This is Bullshit (5/?)
Title:This is bullshit (5/?)
Authors: howido_fics & youbrat
Pairing:Brendon/Ryan
Rating:R
Summary:Spencer recognizes Ryan, what does Brendon think of him now?
Disclaimer:*sigh*
Author’s Note: OK, so it’s not a standalone. It’s a co-write. howido_fics is Brendon, youbrat is Ryan. A lot of talking, a lot less action, although perhaps with the promise of some to come.



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Wait?

What?

That.

Is.

Ryan?

You.

Have.

Got.

To.

Be.

Kidding.

Me.

Somebody...

Over here *waves*...

I need assistance...

Lifting my jaw off of the floor...


I jumped a little when I heard my name and looked up, seeing that Spencer and Brendon had stopped, and they were both looking at me. I smiled a little at Spencer and forced myself to shake out of how I was feeling. Brendon may not want anything to do with a 'goth freak', but that didn't mean I had to let him know he hurt me.

"Hey Spencer...never thought I'd see you at a goth club." I cringed inwardly. That wasn't very smooth or anything, but I hope it didn't sound like I was crushed like I was inside. I hated when people judged me on appearance. Yeah, I may be skinny, but I'm not anorexic. I may appear on a normal day to be preppy or nerdy, but I'm not just that. And right now, I may appear to be a goth kid, but I'm not a goth freak. And if someone wants to judge me on the appearance of one night, and one show, then my hopes were up for something that wasn't worth it. I wasn't going to let a high school kid get to me like that, and I certainly wasn't going to let a high school kid know how crushed I was that he looked at me with disgust.

“Yeah, man, you either, seriously...I hardly recognized you until I saw you standing there, like you always did...” Spencer pulled off away from me completely walking towards him, “So, how have you been?”

Um, hello?

What about me? Over here?

I bit my lip and shrugged, not really even looking at Brendon anymore, focusing on Spencer.

"Okay really. Got school and shit going on. Nothing too exciting...yet. But there's some big changes happening for me, so things'll change soon, and who knows where it'll take me then. How about you? How've you been?"

Why does he keep mentioning that?

Is he looking for more attention than he is getting right now?

Wait...I’m the one in a hot pink shirt on a dark street near a goth show...

“Really? Like what?”

Yep, leave it to Spencer to get all nosey and in someone’s business.

I grinned at Spencer and then looked down, looking up at him through my hair. Yeah, it was a slightly odd way to look at someone, but hey, I've already discussed with myself what these clothes make me think, they make me act weird too. Is looking through your hair sexual? Maybe, who knows?

"My dreams coming true...if everything works. I might even get out of this town and into bigger and better things, touring the world and all. It all depends on the end of this semester and how things go down. I don't really wanna jinx it though. I have far too much stocked into it. But...it'll be big if it goes right."

What will be big? His fucking ego?

“Dude, what are you majoring in, cause I wanna do that,” Spencer laughed, “Are you still playing guitar or something?”

Did he mention playing guitar with me? Was he in a goth band or something?

I am so confused.

I mean, I thought I knew him, kind of...but hell, you can’t judge a book by its cover...and you sure the hell can’t judge a person by their picture.

Oh my, someone mark that down...I actually listened/learned something...

I laughed softly and shrugged, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair back behind my ear as I shivered a little from the cold through my fishnet shirt. I felt suddenly self conscious and wrapped my arms around me a little, offering my nipples some small protection from the cold and eyes.

"Yeah, I'm still playing guitar. AS far as what I'm majoring in...do you even really have to guess?" I laughed softly and grinned.

"If you want big opportunities it seems they're coming from the music business, right? So get into business as well as music and go from there. Doors can open if you're in the right spot at the right time. And I may have a door opening to LA."

I had to make my presence known...but Spence, if you mention music or a career in it...he goes crazy mad.

Like...

“Dude, that is awesome! I wish I didn’t have to go to high school, but really, I wish that my bandmates wouldn’t treat our band like an extracurricular activity. I mean, we could be good if they cared as much about their instruments as I did about my drums.”

I laughed and nodded. "Bandmates don't always take the band seriously. Everyone in a band is going to have a slightly different view on the band and how things work and how things should work. If you want to make it you need to all work really hard for it. If all they want is to be a garage band for fun, that's a different story."

I smiled softly. Spencer and I had talked a few times in high school, but not like this. "Just keep trying to work on them and don't drop out. If they don't have the drive to do it, you've always got people in college when you get there. Its amazing the things that can happen in college."

So maybe I'd lied to myself and Brendon, I had met some good people at the college, I had met the guys one might call my band, but for some reason I never included them in my friends. Maybe that was because we really had only just started, and I was still the 'new one' of the group.

“Yeah,” Spencer looked down, kicking a rock.

I coughed.

Both eyes were on me.

Did I do that on purpose?

I think so...

“Oh, Ryan, this is Brendon, but I think you know that already,” Spencer grabbed my arm and pulled me into their conversation.

I still couldn’t look him in the eye. It’s not that I am shy, I’m just, well, shocked, to say the VERY least.

I looked over at Brendon and nodded a little before looking back at Spencer. I didn't know what to do, Brendon wouldn't even look at me, and the memory of his facial expression when he saw me in the club still had me shaken. I had no clue what I was supposed to say. It seemed like everything changed in that time between being on the phone, and him walking into the club tonight. All of it was a mistake, and it hurt, more than I wanted to admit to anyone.

I smiled at Spencer and put my hand on his arm. "You'll make it one day Spencer, I'm sure you will. And when you do, look me up, I think I'll be in LA at that point."

“I defin...”

I held up my hand, “No, Spence,” turning to Ryan, who peered at me through his hair...which was kind of growing on me, “Ryan, are we just gonna ignore the fact that I am standing here? I mean, yeah, I’ll be man enough to admit that I lost, I didn’t find you, but I tried, and quite honestly, you surprised the hell out of me, not necessarily in a bad way, but I am shocked. Ok, so you won, is that what you wanted? To get me to look like a fucking idiot in front of your goth friends and band? Cause it worked, ok. You put me in my place. I just thought that we clicked on the phone, but I guess I was wrong, cause all you wanted to do was make a fool out of me, and if Spencer hadn’t of noticed you, you would have just let me walk away and laughed about the poor innocent sheltered high schooler who had a crush,” I looked back to Spencer, “Come on, it’s getting late, let’s go.”

With that, we turned and walked away.

I laughed. I straight out laughed.

"You like to pretend you're all that, and that you've got it all, and you know it all, don't you Brendon?" I stopped laughing and shook my head. "You don't know shit. But if that's how you want it to be, if that's what you want to believe, then go back home, go back to high school, grow up and do something with your life and go ahead and forget about me. Spencer, good luck. I hope I see you in LA. There is obviously nothing here worth sticking around for."

My gaze shifted to Brendon. My hurt was turning into snapping anger. He had the nerve to be disgusted by me looking like I did, and then turn around to be all self righteous and assume he knew what I was thinking. Well, he didn't, and if that was how he wanted it, I wasn't going to give him the chance to hurt me more.

What?

Oh no he didn’t!

I whipped back around on my heels.

Ok, I’m a lover not a fighter.

And you know desperate times come to desperate measures.

So I did what any sane person would do in this situation.

I raised my fist, clenched it around the back of his head, gripped his hair, and crashed our lips together.

My eyebrows shot up when he kissed me. Why was he kissing me? He was yelling at me. I was yelling at him. He wanted nothing to do with me. I was pissed off at him and hurt by him. So why was he kissing me? And to top things off, why was I kissing him back? Wait again, he found me disgusting; I saw it in his expression when he looked at me, so why was he even touching me?

So many questions, and questions that needed answers, but he wouldn't let go of my head, and he wouldn't let me pull away. My eyes stared at Spencer for a moment before I found them closing, and I cursed myself for being a gay man that is addicted to being kissed and touched and wanted, to where my body would betray me to someone who I didn't want to be kissing. But then again, my body seemed to know something my brain wouldn't admit to.

I did want to be kissing him.

I wanted to smirk so badly.

I had him.

He was kissing back.

So, did I win?

I mean, to me, a kiss is ten times better than a phone number.

But, I tricked him didn’t I?

So...was this wrong?

Shit, I could care less, cause this kiss was more than fireworks and leg-pops...

I finally pushed him away and opened my eyes, breathing heavily and looking at him, well, I'm sure it was a little bit of a mixture of looking and glaring at him. You don't make me feel like shit and then kiss me and expect everything to be sunshine on the beach in the Caribbean.

"What the hell...?" I didn't know what to say, at all.

“I...I...I...”

I had no flipping clue.

He hated me, and I just kissed him.

I mean, I know I yelled at him, but why did he hate me?

I only yelled at him cause HE was being a dick...so it’s his fault.

He glared at me, looking for an answer.

So I said the first thing that came to my mind, “I just wanted to know it if would be as good as I imagined...”

Yep...wrong thing to say...

I closed my eyes and shook my head, looking down and trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I didn't get him. I didn't get him at all. He said he was up to the challenge. He was excited about it. Yes, I made it damn near impossible, but he looked right at me and didn't recognize me. But if he hadn't looked at me in disgust things would have gone differently. But then he kissed me. God it made no sense.

I looked at Spencer, hoping for some sort of help, looking between the two best friends, just not getting it at all.

"Oh...well I guess you got what you wanted then." My voice was quiet, fairly void of emotion because I didn't know what to feel, and I think there was something in my voice that conveyed that, but I wasn't sure.

“Well so did you. You proved the point that I am not inferior, and I do fail, I just don’t know why you are so pissed off at me, cause you are the one who made it damn near impossible to find you. But I wanted to,” oh great, that’s it, you big baby, cry for him, give him more of what he wants...let him fuck you over, screw you up the ass without even a wrap around. “But, I wanted to kiss you before you finished this for good. I’m sorry I called you, I am sorry I led you on, I’m sorry I wasted your time, so I’ll just make it easy on you and walk out of your life for good.”

"I wasn't out to prove any point Brendon." I frowned, looking at him. I had no clue what the hell was going on because I had no clue what he was talking about. "What did I get that I wanted? This? This is what I wanted? How would you know? What I wanted was to see if you'd show up, and you did. But you looked at me with such disgust it made it clear that you wanted nothing to do with me like this. Sure, the voice on the other end of the phone you wanted something to do with. The person you saw in the high school picture you wanted something to do with. But the goth look you saw me in first disgusted you. Whatever you think, know the truth Brendon. I came here to see if you'd show up. I came here and waited. I could have made it even worse, I could have gone into the crowd, but I didn't. I stood there when you saw me, and I was about to go talk to you, because you found me, but that look of pure disgust in your face and in your eyes hurt. I wasn't looking at this as a game to win. It was a challenge, a challenge you said you wanted. There was no intent to make you look like an idiot in front of anyone, or any intent to put you in your place or anything, and there was no intent on me laughing at you if you walked away. And yeah, if Spencer hadn't noticed it was me, maybe I would have let you walk away. But it wouldn't be to go laugh at you with anyone. it would have been to go in and make what I could of the show before going back to my dorm, curling up in my bed and never answering my fucking phone again so I wouldn't get hurt like I have today! So before you throw it all under my feet, get shit straight and get the truth!"

Look of disgust?

What?

When?

I furrowed my brows and thought back.

Oh yeah, he was staring at me...

In the club.

I made a face?

Looking up at him, I saw the hurt and anger in his eyes.

His pretty brown eyes.

“Ryan,” I started, “I didn’t mean too...I mean, I don’t remember,” I looked over at Spencer like Ryan had done, for support, he just shrugged, yeah, good friend he is... I gulped, staring into Ryan’s eyes again, “I just. I was tired. And upset. I didn’t think you would be here, I mean, I went to ten places and spent over $50 before this one, and I had already given up. I already thought I would never find you, but Spence talked me into going there,” I pointed to the venue, “And when we got in, it was even worse, I was so out of place. And I was frustrated and disappointed in myself. There were all kinds of people staring at me, and my pink shirt...and there you were, what I thought was smirking or laughing at me. And that drew the line. And, I didn’t know it was you. I know that doesn’t help anything, but honestly I didn’t. I’m sorry...”

"You didn't know it was me because I was just a goth freak at a goth rock show. That's why you didn't see me, not really. Yeah, I have the clothes, but I'm still me. You just saw a goth freak standing there looking at you."

I sighed and closed my eyes. "First I was too thin for you. Then I'm a goth freak to you. What will it be next time Brendon? What will be wrong with me that won't meet your approval?" I opened my eyes and looked up at him. "It was a challenge. You knew I wasn't going to make it easy. But you were here, you showed up. Had I not seen disgust in your face, in your eyes, I would have stopped you before you pulled Spencer out of the club. In the moment you saw me dressed like this you judged who and what I was, and it wasn't good enough for you. What if this was who I was every day? What if this was me? What if I were a goth freak every day of the week? What then?"

Now it was my turn to laugh.

“Damn-it, Ryan, why does it have to be a huge fight? Can’t you just accept that I made a mistake? What if the roles were reversed? Or what if I came in, and I was like 300 pounds...what then? See, all these what if’s...isn’t that what makes the world go around? You just gotta put all your worries and shit aside and just try. But what the hell do I know; I’m just a stupid, inexperienced high schooler.”

I shook my head, for the first time this week wishing I had never called the hotline in the first place.

I murmured softly. "This is me Brendon. Every so often, this is me." I looked up at him through the hair covering my eyes. "I go to Bella Morte shows every so often, and when I do. This is me." He dropped my arms from around my chest, exposing my fishnet clad top, and looking down at my leather clad legs. "Will you look at me the way you did tonight on those occasions?" I looked back up at him through my hair again.

"Or is this something you can be okay with. Because I like dressing up like this every so often. It’s freeing. You should try it.

Oh, he is doing that hair/eye thing.

I reached up and tucked it behind his ear, well, what could make it there.

My hand lingered and brushed his cheek.

I couldn’t help but smile.

“I am willing to accept that,” my smile grew, “I am willing to,” I looked down at his pants, “Possibly try those on for size too. It’s something I’ve never done before, but I am up for the challenge...”

"Maybe we shouldn't talk about challenges..." I trailed off and sighed softly. His touch was soft, and it had been a while since anyone had even wanted to touch me, it almost was unnerving.

"How long until you have to go back home?" I looked over at Spencer and then back to Brendon. I wasn't about to go back into the show now, I could hear that Bella Morte was done with their set and the next band was on, and I was only going to stay to see Andy and the guys with their set. I was going to go back to the dorm.

“Yeah, no challenges...um,” I pulled out my phone, three missed calls, all from my mom. Shit! It’s after eleven!

My phone rang as I was deleting my missed calls.

Great.

Mom.

Lifting up my finger to signal I was taking the call, I answered, “Um, hi Mom.”

Pulling back the phone because she was screaming into the line, ‘Don’t you ‘Hi mom’ me Brendon Boyd Urie! Do you have any clue what time it is and on a school night?!?!?!? I called Spencer's and he was out to! I suggest you get your hiney back home pronto or we are looking for another TWO weeks of grounding!’

With that she hung up, leaving the dial-tone spilling through the air.

I frowned as I watched Brendon take the call and shook my head, looking over at Spencer. I reached into my back pocket and tugged out my 'wallet,' looking through the lack of stuff I had inside, but I knew there was a piece of paper in there with my number on it. While Brendon was on the phone I handed it to Spencer.

"Take him home. And I'm sorry if this got you in trouble too." I glanced over at Brendon and back. "I don't think there's anything I can do to prevent it, but if there is. Let me know."

I looked up when Brendon hung up the phone, not telling him I had given Spencer my number. "Go. Get home. Don't get grounded again."

“Yeah, I guess you are right,” I bit my lip.

Well, I guess this is it.

I sighed, motioning towards the car.

“I guess, I’ll, um, see you around or something, that is if I don’t get grounded. Again, I’m sorry. For any anger I caused,” I smiled one last time before walking towards the car.

Yep.

That was it.

I lost.

No number.

No nothing.

I watched Brendon and Spencer walk to the car. I knew Spencer would give Brendon the number, so I didn't worry too much. I bit my lip and murmured softly into the breeze.

"Call me..."

I then took a breath and started back for the campus, feeling the need to get back to my room, get into bed and get some sleep. Maybe I would figure out where we stood next time.

We drove home in silence.

I was disappointed, I mean, yeah, I could just call the line again, but I think we made some sort of progress. But I guess we are gonna let fate control again.

Pulling into Spencer’s driveway he got out, mumbling his ‘sorry’s and walked towards the house.

Once the car was in reverse, I checked the rear view, noticing Spencer running back to me. I rolled down the window, “Oh, I almost forgot,” he smirked, “Ryan told me to give this to you...”

Raising a brow, I took the paper from his hand.

It was his number.

I got his number!

I smiled the whole way home.