This Is Bullshit (34/?)
Title: This is Bullshit (34/?)
Authors: howido_fics & youbrat
Pairing: Ryden
Rating: R
Summary: Lets go camping!
Disclaimer: *sigh*
Author’s Note: This is a co-write. howido_fics is Brendon, youbrat is Ryan. Ryan's pov is blue and Bren's is black.




Finally Spencer and I were finished. It was a little after 8pm, which was still early for a Saturday in the summer, I just hoped we could find something interesting to do. Spencer was excited to get to spend time with Alex and Ryan, well more so Alex, plus, he hadn't been out on a 'date' in about six months. And, of course this was the first 'date' he had gone on with a male.

Luckily the air was kind of cool, so we didn't sweat much as we set up the chairs and tents. Then, reset up the chairs and tents. Then over and over again until my mom was happy. But, once we were done, I had Spencer call Alex and see what he wanted to do. I figured that was the best thing to do, plus, if Ryan was still sleeping, we wouldn't wake him.

We were dressed and ready to go as Spencer sat in the passenger seat and talked to Alex. It was actually cute how he sat cross legged and played with the hem of his shorts as he talked. I remember being there with Ryan...having to keep my hands occupied as I talked on the phone with him. I really wasn't sure what would come out of the two of them.

Spencer hung up the phone with a smile on his face, "Hey, is it possible to go to that place in the desert with the stars and stuff?" he asked. I hadn't listened too his conversation cause I was too busy thinking, "Cause I kind of recommended it. I just want, you know, a low-key night, and I figured that would be fun..."

I shrugged, "Yea, sure...but we need to get some stuff for it, don't we?"

"Yea, I told Alex we would stop by my house and get things, since it is on the way to Ryan's."

I woke up curled up against Alex with his arms around me and a blanket over me, especially over my chest because I'd never put a t-shirt on after being outside earlier in the day. Blinking and squinting because of the little light that was in the bedroom, I looked up at my best friend. Alex had his eyes closed, but I could tell that he wasn't asleep. It was just something that he and I knew about each other, we could pretty much just sense when the other was awake or asleep.

I watched him for a few moments before he opened his eyes and looked down at me with a grin. "Hey. How'd you sleep?"

I smiled softly and shrugged a little, stretching some and yawning as if on cue to his question. I gave him a sheepish smile and snuggled in closer to him. "I slept well. I pretty much always do when I'm like this. You know that."

He chuckled and pulled me into a tight hug before turning us and laying me on my back so I was looking up at him laying over me. He rested his elbows beside my head and looked down at me. "So...do you think you're up for a night in the desert? Bren and Spence just called. They're on their way over to Spence's and I told them that we had air mattresses we could use, but we're thinking of going into the desert for the night, making a fire, curling up by it, talking, joking, making s'mores, getting some sleep, which I expect you to do and not fuck Brendon all night. No offense babe, but me and Spence and I are not going to want to hear the two of you go at it."

I chuckled softly and nodded, sliding my arms up and around his neck, tugging him until he was laying down again, pretty much pressing me into the bed. I hugged him tightly. "Okay, a night in the desert sounds good. And don't worry, Bren and I will be good...I don't think he'd want to sleep with me tonight even if we were alone."

We managed to get all the stuff that we suspected we would need. We got items for s'mores. We got extra clothes. Four sleeping bags, a battery charged CD player, with extra batteries and a few mix CDs, more blankets, a few pillows. Some water. Some juice boxes and a few other snacks. We were about to leave the kitchen when we remembered the fire. Going back in, I got some matches and found some old newspapers as Spencer went out back to get a few logs from their fireplace stash. His parents weren't home, so we figured they wouldn't care or even notice.

Getting back in the car, I loaded it up as Spencer left a note saying he was spending the night with me, while I called my mom and said the same. Technically, we were spending the night with each other, just not at the other's houses, so I hoped there wouldn't be any confusion tomorrow. If so, I was sure we could talk our ways out of it.

I could tell Spencer was nervous as we took the small trip over to Ryan's, hell, he didn't even object to me listening to T.I. on the radio. I smiled to him, "It's going to be fun, Spence..."

"I, I know," he gave me a weak smile, "I just, I dunno..."

I pulled into Ryan's driveway and killed the car. Turning, I placed my hand on Spencer's shoulder, "Look, Alex is a good guy, he won't do anything you don't want, ok?"

Spencer just nodded as we stepped out of the car and walked to the front door.

Alex frowned as he looked down at me and shook his head. "I'm not sure why you think that Ry. You two look like you made up from all the shit that went down this week. Okay, maybe not back to 100%, but it looks like you guys are going to make it through okay, and I doubt, if you guys were alone and all, that he would want anything else but to have sex with you. I mean seriously, I doubt there's a gay man alive who wouldn't if they were given time alone with you if you wanted it."

He winked at me, and I sighed softly before hiding my face into the curve of his neck. "Thanks Lex. Seriously, I don't know what this world would have been like for me if you hadn't been in it. I can guarantee that my entire life would be different right now. My sex life would definitely be one of those things that was very different, but I think the biggest and most important thing would be that my emotional and mental stability would be completely off kilter and I'd be a mess."

Alex slid one of his arms under my waist and just held onto me. He didn't say anything for a few moments before he placed a kiss onto the side of my head. One thing I loved about my relationship with Alex was the safety, the comfort and the feeling of someone bigger than me holding me. Of course, there were a lot of things that I loved about my relationship with him, I just picked them up and pointed them out to myself as I encountered reasons and things. But seriously, there was something to be said for having someone bigger and stronger than you holding you. Of course, he wasn't that much bigger than me.

"Well, Ry, you're pretty much stuck with me in your life. You might as well tattoo my name on your ass so any guy you're ever with knows there's a part of you that belongs to me. Although, in retrospect, your ass may not be the right spot to put it or they'd think your ass belongs to me. Not that I'd mind your ass belonging to me, but that would cause some problems for you with your boyfriend. So that means we need to find another spot to tattoo my name onto you...hmmm...where should we put it?"

He chuckled softly and then murmured. "How about curving around your hipbone? Or around your nipple? Or on your arm? I'm sure we can find a sexy spot to put my name."

We were about to knock when Spencer grabbed my hand.

"What do you think Alex thinks this is?" he asked quietly, like someone was standing on the other side of the door.

I gave him a weird look, "Well, what did you tell him it was?" I asked, not really sure where he was going with this.

"Well, I mean, we are just hanging out. I mean, that was the initial plan. To hang out together. But then there is the, well, tonight. And just two air mattresses, and I know it will be you and Ryan and me and Alex..."

"Yea, and?"

"What if, you know..."

"No, Spence, I don't know. I have no clue what you are saying. Look. I told you, Alex is cool. He probably thinks this is nothing more than the two of you hanging out. And yes, it is an air mattress so you most likely will be pressed against each other in the middle of the night, but there is nothing wrong with that. Unless you are uncomfortable with it," I looked at him, "Does the thought of Alex sleeping snugly next to you scare you?"

Spencer paused for a minute and just stared at his feet, "No," he barely whispered, "I kind of like the sounds of it..."

With that, I knocked on the door, not even giving him a chance to protest.

I chuckled softly and shrugged a little. "I dunno. I think your name tattooed on my body anywhere would be really intimidating to any guy I'm with. I'm pretty sure Brendon wouldn't go for it. Then again, I doubt whomever your next boyfriend is going to be would be thrilled if my name were tattooed on your body somewhere." I smiled but didn't let him go. I wasn't ready to get up and move. As much as I had pushed Alex away from me in the previous days, that was how much I pulled him back to me and held him there. It was as if I needed to make up for the time I pushed him away. I just seriously couldn't pry my own arms from around his neck, which I was sure was some psychological thing about reforming a bond or making amends for being an asshole the past few days. If I saw a shrink I was sure they would say something about guilt and trying to make it go away because honestly, I felt guilty for pushing him away.

"Hmm, you're probably right about that, except for the fact that it's highly unlikely I'm going to have a new boyfriend anytime soon. Most view me as 'a good fuck, but that's it' type person and leave it at that. Which, normally works for me, so why try to change their opinions of me?" He shrugged a little and sighed. "Besides, who needs a boyfriend when I have the most awesome best friend on the planet?"

I couldn't help but smile. He did that when he was talking about me and him. It was what I felt too sometimes, but, I had a boyfriend and Ii wasn't going to just give him up, so I didn't exactly feel that way. "Yeah, but there are some things this best friend can't do for you, Lex. For example, now that I have a boyfriend, I can't have sex with you. So that means you'd give up having sex because I'm your best friend. That doesn't exactly make sense Lex."

I let myself fall down onto the bed and looked up at him, but I still wasn't letting go of him when I heard my parents moving around downstairs. I was sure they wouldn't have a problem with the fact that I was going out to the desert with Alex, Bren and Spence. They were really cool with things like that. Dad would even grab the air mattresses for us. It was just a matter of Spence and Bren getting there. But I pretty much planned to get makeup snuggles with Alex till they did because it was very important to me to be made up with him before the end of the night. I wanted everything to be good with me and everyone.

Ryan's mom let us in and reacquainted herself with Spencer as I told his father what our plans were for the night. With that, his father told me to follow him and he would get some stuff out of the garage for us. So I did, telling Spencer I would be right back. As I followed him, I heard Spencer say he was going to go upstairs and see if Alex and Ryan were ready.

Helping his father reach things and make sure that it was clean and usable, he opened the garage door as we started to load stuff into the car. We were able to get it all in two trips before I closed the trunk, and we did the whole dusting off our hands on the pants gesture. We laughed lightly and I thanked him as I saw Spencer come running out of the house, walking straight to the car, hopping in and slamming the door.

Giving Ryan's father a weird look, I smiled as he stated he was going inside, but not before turning to take a look at Spencer.

I walked to the front of the car and motioned for him to roll down the window, "Dude, what the fuck?" I asked.

He looked like a deer in headlights as he sat there, staring ahead, "Ry and Alex...they were..."

I shook my head, raising a brow at him, "Were what, Spencer?"

Alex pressed a kiss to my forehead before pulling back. "Now, if we're going to spend a night off in the desert, we need to get you, well, first we need to get you a shirt. You certainly can't go out into the desert shirtless. Then, we need to pack you something to wear to bed, because I'm thinking you're not going to want to sleep naked. It'll be too big of a temptation, and we already established no sex tonight while me and Spence are there. Then, we need to find you clothes for tomorrow, or at the very least extra layers for tonight so you have something to wear back tomorrow." He grinned down at me.

I chuckled and shook my head a little. "I love you Lex. You know that, right? No matter what else happens in this world, I love you beyond life itself. Okay?" I pulled him down and gave him the biggest hug before kissing his lips briefly. "You and me, best friends forever, right? For ever and ever? No matter what, it'll always be us until we're wrinkly and old and we can't move because our arthritis makes our joints hurt too much?"

He looked down at me and reached up to caress his thumb over my cheek. "Forever and ever and ever and a day beyond forever, Ry. We may have other boyfriends. We may find someone who is the one and who we'll spend the rest of our life with, but no matter what, behind all of that, there'll be us. You and me. Best friends. For ever and ever." He kissed my lips gently, it was the type of kiss we very rarely shared and for many people could be viewed as sensual and romantic, but there was a difference. The kiss that we shared was loving, yes, but it was only one we shared at intensely emotional points. It was always closed lipped, nothing really more than any other kiss we shared on an day by day basis, but it was the emotion behind it. It wasn't playful or joking, it was deep-rooted in our friendship, and it was one that was very chaste, but lingered slightly longer than normal and was done almost tenderly. Honestly, it's a difficult kiss to describe because to some people it looks different than all of our other kisses, to us it felt different because it was the emotion that spurred it that made us kiss like that. I guess you could say it was a little more than a peck but not anywhere close being the type of kiss I had with Brendon.

Either way, I am getting caught up on describing the kiss when that isn't really the important part. The important thing was where it left us, it left us back to who we were and left us feeling better about our friendship. We pulled away and smiled at each other before he pulled me up and we went about packing stuff that we'd want for the night.

"...Making out?"

I laughed, "Was that a question or the answer?" I reached to open the door and grab his hand, "Look, you already know how the two of them are. I am sure they weren't making out. I trust Ryan, ok. They do get close at times, but that, they haven't been hanging out much since Ry and I have fought, so I guess they are making up for lost time or something."

With this, of course he just stared at me.

"What? They are best friends, that's how they do..."

"No," he shook his head, "We are best friends, we don't do that," he pointed to the upper level of Ryan's house, "They were practically laying on top of each other with their hands all over each other..."

"Were their hands moving or stationary? Were they talking or moaning?"

He sighed, "Stationary and talking..."

I reached in a pulled him out for sure this time, "See, nothing to worry about! Now, come on, let's head inside, get them packed and go sleep under the stars!"

We made it to the front door again when he stopped us, "How do you handle it Bren, I mean, them being so close like that?"

Looking him straight in the eye, I said without any hesitation, "I think I am falling in love with him..."

We finished packing a bag for the two of us with everything that we'd need when Alex pulled me against him and wrapped his arms tightly around me. "You scared me these past couple days Ry. You really scared me." Alex never, ever, got like that. You knew it was bad when he grabbed you, hugged you, and told you he was scared. Alex. Did. Not. Get. Scared.

My arms managed to get around him again and I held onto him, slipping my hands up into his hair. "I'm sorry Lex. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." My fingers played in his hair as I held onto him and waited for him to say or do something. Eventually, he picked me up, causing me to wrap my legs around him. He sat down onto the edge of the bed and clung to me. Obviously it was worse than I thought it was.

His body was shaking a little and I got the distinct impression that he was crying. I glanced at the door to see if Bren had showed up yet before doing what I could to soothe him. There was no way he'd want Brendon and Spencer to see him like that. He rarely ever even let me see him like that and usually it was only on those very rare occasions where something majorly serious happened in his life, like someone dying or getting very very ill. It hadn't happened over our friendship before.

I rocked him a little with my body as I shushed him and played with his hair. I could feel him starting to relax. I pressed my cheek to his hair and continued holding onto him, keeping my eyes on the door to see when the guys got there. I knew Alex wouldn't want them to see him like that, so I had to be sure to give him warning or ask them to give us a few minutes or something. I knew they should have been there anytime.

He just stared at me. Like that wasn't enough explanation for him. Hell, if it worked for me, why couldn't it work for him? Yea, ok, so maybe I was jealous of it. And maybe I would spend nights wondering if they were in bed together. Or maybe I worried that their 'friendship' kisses would turn into something more than Ryan said they were, but he told me he loved me, and I knew he meant it. And that right there was good enough for me. So maybe Ryan was the type of person that needed lots of people around him.

"Look," I knew I had to explain, "Ryan loves me. He told me last week, and I believe him Spence, I really do. He isn't the type to just say something like that and not mean it. I mean, yea, he may kiss other people but I know he still loves me."

"What? Other people? And have you said 'I love you' to him?"

Shit. I was going to ignore the first part of that question like the plague, and just move on to the next one. I hoped he would drop it, or I would have to resort to do drastic measures to drop it, because I knew that Spencer would not be happy. Hell, that was one of the reasons he was single and he swore off girls, because his last girlfriend cheated on him.

"No, I haven't said it. I mean, I know I am falling in love with him, I just haven't been able to tell him. But really," I grabbed his arm and pulled him in the house and up the stairs, waving to Ryan's parents as we went, "Let's get going!" I nodded to him as we neared Ryan's room.

Alex whispered into my neck. "It scared me that you were pushing me away. It scared me that you were drinking like you were. It scared me that I had to bring you home and put you to bed and you didn't even realize that it was me...it all scared me. Please, please don't do that again if possible?"

I nodded and turned to look down at him as he looked up at me. It was beyond rare to see tear tracks on his cheeks, but there they were. It broke my heart. I'd never caused him to cry before, but I had now. "Oh...Lex..." I frowned and moved my hands to his cheeks, using my thumbs to gently brush away the tears and their tracks. "Lex...I'll try my hardest to never scare you like that again. I promise I'll try my hardest, Lex."

Dropping my head, I let my forehead rest against his as I kept my hands on his cheeks, my thumbs gently tracing the path of his tears. "I promise Lex. For you, I'll promise." I tilted my head down again and pressed a soft kiss to his lips before returning to having my forehead pressed against his. He closed his eyes and I smiled to myself. I could feel him relaxing. I wrapped my arms around him again and rocked slowly and slightly back and forth.

I started humming softly to him, it was one of the songs that Fall Out Boy had been working on in the studio that week. I used my body the best I could to give him the best almost full body hug that I could possibly give him before opening my mouth and starting to sing softly to him. I knew I wasn't as good as Patrick's vocals, but he wasn't complaining.

We made it to Ryan's room. I was about to step in and say something off the wall when I saw the two on the bed. Holding back my hand back to keep from Spencer from going in there, I looked at him and put my finger over my mouth, signaling him to be quiet as I walked us backwards to the bathroom and shut the door.

Once we were inside, I spoke, "What exactly was Alex's reasonings for you guys to do something tonight, well, besides to hang out and all?" I asked, hoping he wouldn't think I was implying that Alex really didn't want to do anything with him.

Spencer shrugged, "He said that Ryan wanted to be alone, so I figured there was some family thing or something, why?"

I sighed, "Well, the cliff notes version is that Wednesday night Ryan and I got in a huge fight. And instead of going to Alex like he normally does, he didn't. He just pushed him away, and, so now, I think they are kind of rekindling the time they were apart. I mean, it would be like if you and I got in a fight, and we didn't talk to each other for a while, then there would be that time were we finally talked and then everything would be ok again. Does that make sense?"

After nodding, he tilted his head to the side, "Did you and Ryan fix the problem too, I mean, are you guys ok?"

"We will be," I smiled.

I continued singing softly to him, just letting my voice wash over him until I was sure he'd calmed down and stopped being so upset. I just wanted he and I to be okay again after everything, just like I wanted Bren and I to be okay. It was weird though, until Alex grabbed me like he did, I didn't even know that we needed to work through anything to beget okay again. I smiled softly to myself, closing my eyes, and continuing to sing to him.

I had never really been in favor of my voice. I hadn't had a ton of work on it, and I wasn't really a fan of it myself, but I'd been told by a few other people that I had a good voice. Alex happened to be one of them. He loved it when I sang, although, I'd never sung to him the way I was singing to him right at that moment.

He pulled back to look up at me, a small smile on his lips, before he leaned in and pressed a kiss to my jaw. "Thank you Ry. I love when you sing...and I love how good you are to me." He smiled and pulled me in closer against him and hugged me tight. I chuckled and hugged him back, letting the chorus trail off before looking down at him.

"You're welcome Lex, but...can you let me breathe!?" I chuckled and kissed his forehead. "Feeling better?" He nodded and smiled before whispering.

"No one makes me feel better like you."

I laughed and shrugged. "Well, that's what happens when you pretty much grow up together and live together and everything."

I yawned as I looked at Spencer, "Fuck, I'm tired already..."

He shoved me, "No, you just want to get in the middle of the desert and fuck your boyfriend!"

"No. I am tired," I smirked, "But, he could fuck me to sleep, I wouldn't mind."

"I thought you fucked him."

"Oh, the technicalities..." I winked as I opened the door, "But, don't worry, we will be good tonight, I guarantee it."

Spencer smiled and shoved me down the hall. We laughed as we made it to Ryan's door. They seemed to not be as close as they were before, so hopefully we weren't interrupting anything, "All right!" I shouted, "Break it up! Break! It! Up!" Spencer and I giggled, "No, seriously, 'All our bags are packed, we're ready to go...'" I started singing 'Leaving on a Jet plane'.

"We're standing here inside your room..." Spencer joined in and looked at me before scrunching his face to come up with the next line.

"We hate to break this up!" we both laughed as we sang the next part together, "To say goodbye!"

By now Spence and my arms were around one another as we looked at each other, "What's the next line?" I whispered as he shrugged, "Oh well," I smiled at Alex and Ryan, "Either way, we are all packed and ready! So, let's head out before it gets so dark that we can't see." That was one good thing about Nevada in the summer, it stayed light later. So it being 9 by now, we still had about an hour of sunlight left. But, the bad thing was that, the desert got cold as hell once the sun went down.

I looked up from Alex's lap and over to Brendon and Spencer. I couldn't help but laugh; it was adorable, really and truly adorable. Alex wasn't letting me go, so there was nothing that I could do but sit there and look over at Brendon and Spence. "You know, I don't think I've been serenaded in my own bedroom before. That was rather lovely."

I rested my head against Alex's and rested my hand on his arm, just letting my fingers slip under the edge of his sleeve to run my fingertips gently along his skin. I just wanted him to be soothed and okay enough to let me go and let us go on our fun little outing. "Besides, if it does get dark, that's what car headlights are for. By the way, are we camping under the stars or in tents?"

Quirking my eyebrow at the two boys in front of us, I felt Alex's arms tighten around my waist. He knew I was trying to pull away, and he was being a little clingy. He was never clingy, so I knew I couldn't just pull away and go make out with Brendon or anything. He'd need to be weaned off, as strange as that sounded, but it was kinda the truth.

Alex sighed and looked over at the guys, causing me to move my head to let him turn his. "Sorry...um...yeah...we're coming...just..." I looked down at him, wondering where my over confident best friend had disappeared to. Looking over at Brendon, I shrugged a little.

"We're coming. Just let us get our shoes on." I looked down at Alex to gage his response before trying to slip off his lap, not sure how it looked to Brendon and Spence to have me straddling Alex's lap and sitting on the edge of the bed with Alex essentially clinging to me.

I raised my brow at Spencer and motioned for us to go. I guess we had interrupted something. And poor Alex. I would have to make sure that he was ok later, by asking Ryan later, but right now, I think they still needed space.

"Ok, well, we'll be out in the car waiting, take your time. And the weather said clear skies, so I was thinking we could just sleep under the stars and not have to worry too much about the tents, cause they are a bitch too put in and get to stay in the sand," I smiled, "So, um, yea, we'll be in the car..." I blew a kiss to Ryan as I pulled Spencer down the stairs with me.

Waving to Ryan's parents again, they told us to be careful and have fun while we made our way out the door. Spencer broke the silence once we were leaning and waiting by the car, "Do you think this is a good idea? Alex didn't look or sound so excited about it as he was before. Should we just cancel it and go or something?"

"No, it'll be ok. And well," I looked at him and shrugged, "Honestly, I don't know. From the short amount of time I have known him, I have never seen him not be able to make eye contact. But, if we get out there, or even on the drive and something doesn't seem right, we will come back. Is that cool?"

Spencer nodded as he kicked his shoe, "Yea, ok..."

I looked down at Alex and caressed his cheek. "Are you okay Lex? Really? Do you want to stay here and the three of us will go? Tell me what you want."

He shook his head and sighed. "I'm sorry Ry. I just..."

"No, Lex. I understand. I promise I understand." I leaned in and kissed him softly. "If you wanna stay here, that's okay. I'll just go out and tell them that you're staying here and we'll go, just the three of us. And you can stay here and take care of yourself, get some sleep." I caressed his cheek again and brushed the hair from his eyes.

Again he shook his head and hugged me. "No, it's okay. I want to go, I really do. I'm sorry I'm being weird. Just...I suddenly...I dunno...I forced myself to be so strong while you seemed to be losing it. I didn't want you to look at me and see me lose it and it cause you to lose it more. And letting it go, letting you know how scared I was and everything...I guess...I guess it just...has taken a lot out of me."

I nodded again and slipped out of his grasp and up onto my feet. I went over and shoved my feet into a pair of shoes before bringing his over to him. "I can understand that Lex. I just, I want you to be okay. I want us to be okay. And I don't want you to feel like you're obviously feeling right now. So, if you're okay to go out and hang out with us tonight, I'd like for you to be there and relax with us." I brushed my fingers through his hair while he put his shoes on.

"Besides, it would probably be good for you to get out into the desert, beneath the stars. They always help me and soothe me. Maybe they can do the same thing for you..." Alex finished putting his shoes on and looked up at me. He nodded and smiled, it was almost his normal self-confident smile, almost. I offered my hand and he took it. Holding hands, we grabbed our bags and I led him down and out to the car.

I nudged Spence and we both smiled as Ryan and Alex made there way outside to join us. Once they were close enough, I took the bag from Ryan and popped the trunk with the key thing and tossed it inside with the rest of the stuff. Walking back around I nodded to the guys, "Ok, let's get going! Who's sitting where?" I asked as I slid in the driver's seat.

I saw Spencer shrug, asking if it was ok if he sat next to me. I guessed it was, cause the next thing I knew Spencer slid in next to me and Alex and Ryan hopped in behind me through the same door. Once the doors were shut and seat-belts were on, I started the car, backed out of the driveway and headed to the desert.

Tapping my fingers and humming along to the mix CD I had made last Tuesday, I smirked as Mest came on. Singing along, Spencer and I tapped our feet as I peered in the rear view mirror and smiled at the two in the back, "Is the music too loud? Cause I can turn it down. And do you guys need anything from any store before I get on the expressway?" I asked. Sure, it would slow us down, but once we were on the interstate it was only fifteen minutes, so it wouldn't matter that much.

Alex had snuggled up against me for the car ride to the desert. My fingers played with the edge of his hair, and I looked up at Brendon. "Um, we have drinks and snacks and everything, right? I think that would be the only thing that we'd want to be sure we had, food and drinks and everything. Otherwise I think we're all set. So unless you guys didn't bring enough, I don't think we need to stop."

I shrugged just slightly and looked down at Alex. I hoped he realized he would have to pull away from me because as much as I loved him, I intended to try and further fix things with Brendon by sleeping next to him instead of with Alex that night. Of course, that meant Alex would have to sleep beside Spencer. I thought that maybe I'd be able to grab a minute with him and let him know that Alex was a little fragile and not to be surprised if Alex snuggled up to him overnight.

"Do we have any big plans for what we're going to do tonight? I mean, besides a fire and s'mores and sleeping. Or are we going to just chill out and relax all night?" My fingers twirled a lock of Alex's hair around my finger when my cell phone went off. "Oh, oops, I thought I turned that off, hold on."

Tugging my phone out of my pocket, I checked the caller ID before answering it. "Hey, everything okay?"

"Yea," Spencer answered, "We have all kinds of snacks and drinks and what not, we raided my fridge, so we are good to go. And we don't have much planned..." he finished as we headed onto the interstate.

The song turned to FOB's 'XO', and Spencer and I started dancing in our seats. Once Ryan's phone rang, I turned it down slightly as we both continued to sing, but wanted to give Ry some respect. I looked again in the rear view and smiled at Alex, "Have you got to see any family or friends since you have been back today?" I asked, trying to get him in the conversation.

With that, Spencer turned around in his seat and smiled brightly at Alex, just waiting for him to answer. I knew he was still worried about him, hell I was too. I was kind of scared too; I just hoped that getting him out here would bring the old Alex back. I kind of missed him. Even though I had already seen him earlier today. But either way, we had to plan something fun to bring out his personality again.

I listened to the person on the other end of the phone as I held onto Alex, still playing with his hair. I nodded a little as I listened, a smile on my lips as I turned and looked out the window. I chewed on my lip before responding quietly. "Okay. That should work. I don't think that'll be a problem...." I continued chewing on my lower lip as I listened and nodded again to myself. "Okay. Well, I'll see you then." I grinned and laughed softly. "Yeah, we're gonna go crash in the desert for the night."

Alex looked up at me before over at the guys. "Um...no. I haven't. My parents are gone pretty much for the summer. That's why I'm at Ry's for the weekend. I could go home, but I'd be alone in the house. Not really what I want right now. So...I'm just staying with my second family, hell, half the time Ry's family is my first family." With that, I felt him snuggle in a little closer to me.

I nodded a little and then chuckled. "Yeah, well, we'll keep warm, don't worry...okay, well, have a good night...yep, bye." I hung up the phone and looked down at Alex with a grin. "Don't worry, you're pretty much family. Mom treats you like another son of hers, so you can call us your family, and you don't even have to marry into it." I looked over at Spencer. "So, did you get yelled at for the clothes and eyeliner you came home with?"

Smiling as our exit was coming up, I slowed and merged off the interstate, turning onto the road. Spencer just laughed at Alex. Not that he found it funny; it was just a nervous thing he did when he didn't know what to say. So instead he answered Ryan's question, "No, my parents were cool with it. I only spent some of my graduation money, so they couldn't complain that much. My mom said something about me being all grown up when I wore it to the show the other night, other than that, they didn't mind."

"Yea, but they didn't see you in the eyeliner either," I added, laughing as I turned into the small drive that led to the spot.

Spencer turned back in his seat, "And they won't ever, either..."

I shook my head as I pulled up to the familiar spot and shut off the car, leaving the head lights on. I was wondering who called Ryan. I knew it wasn't really my business, but I figured if it was that important that he would have said so; either way, I just assumed it was someone with the internship.

Hopping out of the car, I popped the trunk and started to carry things to the front where the lights were. After a few trips, we had everything out, and then I asked Spence to come with me to get some rocks to put around the fire.

I helped Alex out of the car and led him over to where they were setting everything up. It felt a little strange, taking care of Alex the way I was. Normally he was the one taking care of me through everything, but there he was, being more off than I usually was and needy of me to helping him through it. It kinda scared me the longer he stayed off. He needed to turn back to the normal Alex and he needed to do it change back quickly.

"Hey, what do you say we start setting up the fire? They're getting rocks, but we could get it burning. You in, Lex?" I looked up at him as I knelt down where they'd put the wood. "We used to be really good at making fires. I wonder if we've still got those skills."

Alex knelt down beside me and nodded as he reached out to start shaping the wood for the fire. He always was the one who was more talented at it than I was, but that didn't mean I couldn't help. We started working on the fire and I pulled out the matches and the kindling that they'd brought along too. We started it up and got the fire going. "Damn, Lex, I guess you do still have skills!"

He grinned and looked over at me with a nod. I could see the spark of life that was the Alex I knew and loved in his eyes. It was beautiful and it was strong. I smiled back and reached over to squeeze his hand softly. He leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to me before he whispered, "Thanks Ry...for everything."

I shrugged a little and murmured a soft 'you're welcome' to him before standing up as Brendon and Spence came back to put the rocks around the fire.

My hands were full as were his as we made out way back. My grandpa had a huge pile of rocks for people to use when they came out here, and as long as we picked up our mess, he didn't mind us using them. We used to love coming here as kids, me and Spence that was. My grandpa was in WWII, and he and his buddies hung out and had a reunion of sorts here in the summers, and he would let me and Spencer come with him. Supposedly it was owned by the government and was where they would test bombs and stuff, so Spencer and I would spend the whole time digging for things. I missed those times. It was always fun, even though we never found anything.

"Um, Bren, what is that?" he asked pointing to something moving in front of us.

I screamed at the top of my lungs and threw the rocks, which we were only a few yards away from the fire that they made and ran as fast as I could to my car, climbing up on the top, still screaming.

Once I was there and somewhat calmed down, Spencer just shook his head, "Dude," he yelled, "It's a baby snake, it can't hurt you!"

"I don't give a fuck! A snake's a snake!" I pouted.

Spencer sighed and started setting the rocks around the fire in a circle. I knew I should have been helping him, but my heart was still going way too fast. And what if the snake came back?

I looked up at Brendon on the car and frowned. "If you're that afraid of being down here on the ground, why are we here? I mean...if you can't be on the ground at night to sleep, then maybe we should just head back home and sleep in the back yard or something?"

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked between Spencer and Brendon as I felt Alex stand up beside me. He was staying close, which again was a little odd for him, but he was getting better, I could tell. I felt an arm slip around my waist as he pulled me back against his body. "Well, he could run home and sleep in his bed as long as he leaves the air mattresses and sleeping bags and food and everything. The three of us could stay and snuggle up together and keep warm while he sleeps alone in his bed." He shrugged a little, and I couldn't help but smirk. I knew what he was up to.

He turned and looked at Spence. "You wouldn't object to that, right? I mean, we'd only need one air mattress for the three of us since Ry is the size of a toothpick. That means you and me would get most of the mattress and Ry could just squeeze into any space available. We'd be able to all keep warm snuggled up together. Then Bren could just come back tomorrow morning and pick us up." He kept his arm around my waist and I didn't object, it was already starting to get cold, and he had a nice, warm body.

"Well, that works if you wanna go for that." I nodded toward Brendon. "Then you won't have to worry about the snakes or anything."

Pouting, I looked over them, 'Fuck you all!" I couldn't help but laugh as I slid off the car. Walking back to the trunk, I reached in and fumbled through the tools in the back until I pulled out a tire iron. I made my way over to them, watching my feet as I walked, "Here, this is for if that piece of shit even thinks about making another appearance. My grandpa always said the sand was filled with too many toxins from the gun powder and stuff for snakes to survive in these few acres..."

It was true, that's what he told me, and that was why I liked going out there. In the fifteen years I remember visiting the spot, I had never seen a snake before, so why now? And what if while I was sleeping that one came up and slid in the sleeping bag with me? I shuddered at the thought just as I felt something at my leg. Screaming again, I jumped as I heard a crack of a branch when I landed, "Fuck you Spencer!" I pouted again as I saw him laughing with the other half of the broken stick in his hand, "I am sure there are a hell of a lot more spiders out here at night then snakes!"

He made a weird face and shut up immediately.

Sighing, I walked back over to the stuff we brought and picked up an air mattress, laying it out flat to air it up.

I chuckled to myself and shook my head as I looked up at Alex, letting my head rest against his shoulder. "You know, I think you're warm enough to heat all of us up tonight." I chuckled and kissed his jaw. "C'mon, let's help set everything else up. Are you gonna be okay sleeping next to Spence tonight?"

He looked at me and nodded. "Yeah, I think so. As long as he doesn't care if I get clingy halfway through the night." I chuckled and nodded, pressing another kiss to his jaw.

"If he does, then he doesn't deserve to have you as a friend. I don't think he'll be too freaked out. Just maybe we should warn him in advance that you might be a little clingy while you're asleep."

He nodded and shrugged before slipping his arm from around my waist and going over to help Brendon with the air mattresses. I watched the two of them for a moment before going over to help Spencer to help set up the other stuff, including the food. "So, Spence, you're not gonna, like, freak out at night if Lex suddenly starts cuddling you, are you?"

"Hey, thanks Alex,' I smiled at him as he came over to help, "And sorry for the sudden outburst, I'm just not really a fan of snakes..." I tried, not getting much of a return from him, "So, you ok?" I asked, not wanting to pry, but wanting him to know I was concerned about him, "Cause Spencer can be really squeezed like a teddy bear and he is warm too, so you have the perfect bed mate!" I laughed as I carried the air mattress over to where Ryan and Spencer were standing, catching the tale end of Spencer's conversation.

"...so, yea, I'll be ok. I get pretty hot when I sleep at night, so, I can give him some of my warmth," he looked up at me, "Hell, I am used to it from hanging out with him, we used to camp out and stuff, and be in separate sleeping bags even, but somehow by the morning he was always in mine and hanging on me..."

I shook my head, "And why is it that when I was young I didn't know I was gay?" I laughed, winking at Ryan before walking over to him, "You know what?" I smirked, "I forgot this!" tilting my head up slightly, I ran my hands around his waist and pulled him into me, kissing him on the lips. Pulling back I smiled as a fringe of jealousy ran through my body then fizzled. He smelled like Alex.

That was something that would definitely have to change before the night was up.

I smiled at Brendon and snuggled in against him as I looked over at Spencer. "Well, I'm sure he'll enjoy that...just tell him to be clothed before he climbs into your sleeping bag. Unless you're going to zip two together to make one big bed. But even then, tell him to be clothed." I chuckled and looked over at Brendon. "Well, just because you crawled into bed with your best friend didn't necessarily scream that you were gay, well, at least not to you."

I shrugged a little and glanced over at Alex who was kinda hanging back looking at the three of us. I reached one hand out to him and beckoned him over. He came over and took the hand I'd held out, giving me a hesitant smile. I didn't know what to do to try to get him to come out of whatever shell he seemed to retreat into. It worried me.

Looking over at Spencer, I smiled at him. "So...we have fire. We have the air mattresses set up. What about sleeping bags? Should we put them out now, or later? And are we joining them so it's like two big beds? Or four individual or what?" I looked back over to Alex before between Spencer and Brendon, wondering what it was that they thought. I was trying to figure out what would bring Alex back to himself.

I slipped out of Brendon's arms with a smile and pulled a piece of chocolate out from the food stash and broke it into pieces, walking over and holding it out to Alex. He always liked chocolate, it was a comfort food for him. He took it from me with a smile and I turned back, offering Spence and Brendon the other pieces.

Spencer and I both declined the pieces of chocolate offered. Looking at Spencer, Ii shrugged, "I guess it depends on each person's preference..."

Nodding, Spencer agreed, "I am cool with individual sleeping bags on our bed, I mean if that is ok with you Alex, cause then, we can be completely warm instead of one or the other tugging them off one another or something..."

Spencer was a smart one. But, I wonder if Ry and I could fit in one. I knew Spencer's dad was a tall fellow, and I knew they bought him extra tall sleeping bags, so I wondered if they were extra big too, "Hey Spence, what about your dad's? Is that one bigger?"

"Yea," he walked over and picked up the maroon one, "It is wider and longer why?" he asked as he handed it to me.

Unrolling it, I stretched both of my arms inside and swung it out. It was definitely big enough for me and Ry to fit in it. Maybe not a lot of extra room, but I wanted to hold him and be wrapped around him anyway, so that didn't matter, "Oh, I think this will work then, two people should be able to fit, right?"

Spencer just nodded as I looked at Ryan to see if he agreed also.

Alex shrugged a little and looked over at me. I looked at the bag before looking at the others. "Either way. I mean, there's always the option of unzipping them and then zipping two together. It gives like, one queen sized sleeping bag." I shrugged a little and looked at Alex. "But it's up to you about your and Spence's bed. If you want something separating the two of you from actually touching each other and literally sharing a bed..." I trailed off and turned to look at Spencer after saying that. "Then separate bags work, you just won't get to share any warmth..."

I looked over at Bren and shrugged again. "That's fine, unless you want a bigger one, we could put two together..." I offered Alex one of the other two pieces of chocolate and ate the last one myself. I glanced around us, out into the desert a little and smiled to myself before I looked up at the sky. The stars were starting to come out; I even picked out Orion in a matter of moments. It was relaxing to see. Right then and there I decided that I was going to get a tattoo of a star.

Returning my attention to the guys I blushed softly when I realized they'd kinda been watching me. "Sorry...did I miss something?"

Alex chuckled and shook his head. "I'm gonna go find sticks for the marshmallows..." He trailed off before turning and wandering off.

"Do you need some help?" Spencer asked with a little more excitement then I had expected out of him. I couldn't help but snicker at him as he gave me a look before following Alex to find sticks.

I sighed as I watched them leave, turning to Ryan. It was weird. Here I was, alone with my boyfriend, and I didn't even know what to say. He seemed really distant, too, as he helped Alex go through whatever it was that he needed to go through. That was one code I would never be able to unlock, their friendship. It was deeper than I ever thought could be possible. Almost like Alex had to stay strong until Ryan was then once he was, it was his turn.

Smiling over at Ryan, I yawned, stretching, then realizing that it was getting colder out since the sun had been down for about a half an hour already. The fire was going well, so I decided that my car lights weren't helping them find sticks since they went the other way, and I didn't want the battery to die, cause there wasn't phone service out here, so we would be screwed.

"Are you getting cold?" I asked as I returned from turning off the lights, "Cause I think we brought every hoodie Spencer owned."

I looked off in the direction Alex and Spence had walked off into. I knew Alex wanted me there to help him through his time of weakness, because that would be what he viewed it as, but I was kinda hoping maybe he'd turn to Spence and let him in too. I had kinda hoped that Spence would opt for zipping two sleeping bags together so he and Alex could snuggle; sure it was partially because I knew Alex was going to need someone to kinda curl up with that night, and it couldn't be me. I just hoped he didn't choose being alone over Spencer and the rest of us.

With a soft sigh, I turned to Brendon when he came back and asked me a question. It wasn't until he mentioned being cold that I realized I was running my hands over my arms and shivering slightly. I nodded a little. "Yeah, Lex and I packed some warm clothes too, so I think we have some hoodies too. I just dunno where our bag got put."

Biting my lip, I made my way closer to the fire, figuring if I didn't have warmer clothes at that moment, at least I'd have the warmth of the fire to stand by. I sighed softly and sat down on something that was next to the fire. I rested my chin in my hands and looked over at Brendon. "I'm worried about him Bren. I've never, ever seen him like this. It kinda scares me...he's being clingy...and then suddenly not..." I sighed softly and shook my head. "I hope he lets Spence help..."

I looked in the direction they went again before shaking it off and looking back to Brendon. "Did we figure out what we're doing with the sleeping bags?"

Grabbing their bag, Ii tossed it over to one of the air mattresses and kneeled around him, kissing his temple, "Ry, I know you are worried about him, and you have every right to be; do you think this it's a bad idea to be out here? I mean, should you guys be back at your house working this, well, him, or whatever it is out? I don't want to pry, but I can tell that both of you are off. And this was supposed to be just a fun, lighthearted, casually time. And, well, it doesn't really seem to be turning out into that way..."

I watched the fire in front of us before looking at Ryan, seeing the flames dance in his eyes. It was a beautiful sight. I loved just staring at him. He was so, well, pretty, and all of his features were just perfect. I brushed some hair out of his face as I looked back at the fire, then to the mattresses, and out to make sure Spencer and Alex were still in sight.

"I don't care how the beds are, I mean, I'm fine with sleeping in one together, or doing the two thing, but I am not sure if you can do the two together thing with two different sizes, but yea, whatever you feel comfortable with," I sighed; my eyes found their way back to the fire as I listened to it cackle and settle, glad I wore my glasses to keep the heat from drying out my eyes. And even more glad that the wind was calm and the smoke floated upward.

"I honestly don't know Bren." I furrowed my eyebrows a little as I looked at the fire. "It's because of me that he's like this. I terrified him the last few days. He knew I wasn't eating. He knew I was drinking more than I ever had in my whole life. I pushed him away and all he could do was watch me self -destruct. He said that at night when he took me to bed, I didn't always know who he was. I scared the shit out of him Bren, but he couldn't break while I was losing it. He told me he couldn't let me see him lose it or he was afraid I'd lose it even more."

I turned and looked at him, tears in my eyes. "It's my fault. It's my fault he's falling apart right now, and I don't know how to put him back together. I'm not sure if I even can put him back together Bren. I don't know what I can do. It scares me to see him like this..."

Frowning, I looked down at the ground beneath my feet. "I...I was kinda hoping that Spence would offer to have the two sleeping bags in one big bed...giving Alex the open window and the possibility of someone next to him. I know him, Bren. He won't be okay through the night if he's alone. He'll pull far away from Spencer if they're in separate sleeping bags...he'll curl up in a ball on one side of the mattress..." I shook my head and looked back over at Brendon.

"I'm sorry he and I are ruining the fun evening out. If Alex could come back to himself it'd change. I'm just not sure how to get that part of him back..." I bit my lip and wished that things weren't so bad so I could curl up in Brendon's arms and forget everything. I looked up at the sky, finding Orion up there. Focusing on the constellation, I sent up a wish for Alex.

I gulped as those chills I had earlier when Ryan and I were arguing came back, "Ryan," I stopped. I honestly didn't know what to say. I didn't know that he would be ok. And I promised myself that I would not lie to him again. But was this a lie or a fib? Either way, I wasn't sure if Ii could even do it. I didn't know what to do at all. I didn't want to fuck things up even more than they were right now between them, and more importantly, and selfishly, between us.

"Ry, he knows you are ok now, so that has to be something, right? I mean, that has to mean something to him, and that has to help him. And honestly, it scared me too, I have never seen him like that, and it is almost surreal, but I can tell a significant change from when I first saw him in your room earlier, so that has to account for something. Not that we should even try to ignore the situation, but hopefully he does go out there and he and Spence talk some. Spence is good at talking and listening and all of that stuff. And he is also good at reading people, so he knows not to push anything," I ran my hand down his arm, "And, why don't we arrange the sleeping bags before they get back so that they are two in one, and then they will have to sleep like that. Cause, maybe they want too, but neither of them want to admit it and feel like they are forcing the other too..."

Standing up, I offered Ryan a hand to get up too; walking over, I opened up a sleeping bag and laid it out upside down, then the next face down on top as I squatted to zip them together.

I got up and followed Brendon over to help. As he took one side, zipping it up, I took the other. I didn't want to push Spencer into sharing a bed with Alex if he wasn't ready, but at the same time I wanted Alex to have someone there to help take care of him; most especially, I wanted him to have someone who would be willing to snuggle him or be snuggled by him. I just honestly hoped that Spence was willing to be that for him.

I worked in silence to set up the bed for them. I grabbed the bag Alex and I had brought, opening it and pulling out the two pillows we'd managed to pack in there. I left one on the other air mattress for myself and brought the other over for Alex to use. I looked at the bed and wrapped my arms around my waist as I looked at it.

Looking up, I heard a sound coming from the direction that Alex and Spencer went. I bit my lip and looked over at Brendon. "Do...do you think they're okay?"

I looked up at Ryan then towards the noise, wrinkling my nose at the sound. It wasn't a scream, so I knew they weren't hurt. It wasn't a voice, so they weren't yelling for us. It was a noise I had heard before, so I was assuming it wasn't a wild animal. I squinted to see where they were, but I could only see one person, walking past the fire to get a better look, I shielded my eyes when the noise happened again.

I knew that noise. I made that noise when Ryan and I were alone...

"Wha?" I gave Ryan a questionable look, "Was that a moan?" My mouth dropped before he could even answer. Here we were worried about Alex and he was out there moaning with Spencer. At least I think it was his moan, "This I gotta see!" I grinned as I grabbed a flashlight and Ryan's hand, signaling for him to be quiet as we sneaked around where they were.

Once we got close enough, I flipped the flashlight on them, while shouting, "What the fuck is going on here!" at the same time.

Spencer immediately jumped back as Alex still had his mouth out for a kiss, "I was! He was! I never, he never!" I just laughed at him as I walked over, telling him to calm down, "I just, I never kissed anyone with a piercing before and he, he offered for me to let me try..."

I shook my head, "Sure, that's what they all say..."

I chuckled and looked over at Brendon with a small smirk. "Oh, everyone likes to try out Alex's lip rings. Right Bren?" I chuckled and looked over at Alex who was looking a little...well, shy. I walked over to him and slipped my arms around him, leaning up to whisper into his ear. "Did you like kissing Spence? Cuz we heard one or both of you moan over by the fire."

Pulling back, I looked up to see his reaction, and I could only assume that he blushed. Being out the dark it was rather hard to really see if he blushed or not, but I was going to say that he did. I pecked his cheek before turning to look over at Brendon and Spence. "Don't worry Spence, you're just now initiated into our group, that's all."

Alex poked me in the back and I smirked up at him over my shoulder. "What?"

"Ryaaan! Be nice, okay?! We didn't exactly mean for it to happen. We kinda...were talking about things like piercings and tattoos and I just said how I thought lip piercings made everything about relationships better...I mean, you'd never kissed anyone with them before you kissed me, right? So be nice to Spencer about it."

I smiled angelically up at Alex and nodded. "Only for you dear Lex."

Spencer gave me a weird look. A kind of hurt look. I never told him about that night where the three of us kind of made out, and I wasn't exactly planning on it. You'd think I would learn to tell people the truth, but no, I have to keep everything secretive until it comes out and blows up in my face.

"Initiated in the group, huh?" he looked from the other guys to me, "Bren? How were you initiated?"

I returned the same weird looked and failed, "Um, I am Ryan's boyfriend, that is immediate initiation, and don't change the subject, you were the one who started the kiss apparently. So, was it as good as you thought it would be? Kissing someone with a piercing?" I tried to change the subject, and quick.

"I didn't get to really do it..." he blurted out before slapping his head, "I mean, it was too short," making a grunted noise, he sighed, "I mean, yea, it was nice, ok?"

I shrugged and winked at Ryan, "Yea, that's all I needed to hear," walking over to Ryan, I smiled, "Ok, Ryan, your witness..." like they were on trial or something.


CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO