This Is Bullshit (38/?)
Title: This is Bullshit (38/?)
Authors: howido_fics & youbrat
Pairing: Ryden
Rating: R/E
Summary: Night at the fireworks and a little bit of emo drama.
Disclaimer: *sigh*
Author’s Note: This is a co-write. howido_fics is Brendon, youbrat is Ryan. Ryan's pov is blue and Bren's is black.





Since Ryan and Alex didn't drive, I offered to let them take my car to the airport so I could hang out with Spencer and see what was up. They would be back any minute. Which I was excited about, but it wasn't a good thing, in the respect that I hadn't really gotten to talk to Spencer because the guys were around making a myspace page on my computer.

It was weird to have them all in my room, since the last time I was really in there, me and Ryan had sex. And James and Steve were sitting right on that spot, with no washing of the sheets. I couldn't help but grin at the thought, if they knew...not that they are against it at any means, just that they are that naive, oh wait, like me too! Spencer broke my thoughts, "Dude, what's with the shit grin?" he asked me as he moved the monitor for everyone to see, "So, how's it look?" We all got up and looked at it.



We all agreed that it looked good and decided to go our separate ways for the night. Finally, Spencer and I were alone. He stayed in my computer chair, spinning around as I found a spot on the floor. I used my foot to stop him, "Spence, what the hell was up with you and Pete this afternoon?"

I watched him gulp as he shrugged his shoulders, "I dunno, I just knew we played like shit, and I wasn't in the mood to hear it..."

"But, you always accept common criticism, especially when you agree..."

Alex was driving Brendon's car, and we'd dropped Pete off at the airport. He made us promise that we'd see him in LA when we got back so that we didn't lose all track of each other. I was sure it was partly because of the song but also because of Brendon and Spence's band. I got the idea that he wanted to be kept up to date on their progress, he'd probably be asking for updated demos as they did them too.

We had the music playing and weren't really talking to each other. So it surprised me when he suddenly reached for my hand and squeezed it, not letting go. I looked over at him to see that he was looking back at me. I smiled softly before he lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it softly. "It's good to have you back Ry."

I looked down, but squeezed his hand as I did. I still couldn't believe that I had pushed him away when in reality, I needed him more than on other days. He was part of my stability. "I'm sorry about that Lex...I guess...I guess I was pretty fucked in the head..." I shook my head a little and dropped it back against the headrest, looking out the windshield as I did. "I'm sorry."

Feeling him squeeze my hand again, I turned to look back at him. "Its okay, I'm just...glad that you're back." I smiled at him and nodded a little, threading my fingers in with his as he placed them on the steering wheel. It was the whole tactile comfort. He hadn't gotten much time with me since I let him back in, at least not much time alone. After everything he and I had gone through in the past week, since Brendon and Spencer had been in LA, I could feel out out of balance we both felt. We just needed to get back to us, without the uncertainty he had the previous weekend, without the stress and hurt of the fight with Brendon.

"I know," he sighed, "It's just, I didn't want to hear it, that is all!" he started spinning in the chair again.

And again I stopped him, "Is there something you aren't telling me? Something that's bothering you?" I asked, giving him a weird look, "Wow, I sound like Dr. Phil or something," he laughed, "Really though, Spence, I mean, if Ryan or Alex would have said the same thing to our session, would you have went off the same way?"

This time he didn't even try spinning his chair, he just looked outside, "I don't know Bren, I was just upset, I guess. I knew I played bad, and I knew we all played bad, and it was almost like we blew it, like nothing good would ever come out of it because we had one sucky performance."

I nodded, "So, it had nothing to do with the fact that Pete was hanging out with Alex most of the time and getting all of his attention? Or the fact that Pete offered Alex to live with him at breakfast?" I knew I shouldn't pry, but I had to know, he had to get it out and not keep everything inside him, like I usually did.

There he was with the spinning again. I shook my head, this time waiting for him to stop on his own, "I just don't like being lead on. And I don't like being confused. So, I am not going to push the whole Alex thing anymore. If he wants it, he has to do something, and if he doesn't, then I will be over him."

"Easier said than done Spence..."

"Were you really serious about moving back to Vegas for school when you mentioned that to me the other day?" I bit my lip and squeezed his fingers between mine. "Cuz..if you were...I just want you to know that I'd love to have you back in the city. I missed you last year. I know you've got your own school, and maybe you won't want to come and be at my school, but, if you find a school around mine...you could come and get a place with me. We could be roommates again...unless...you know...you're really thinking of staying in LA with Pete..."

Trailing off, I looked down at my lap a little. Alex was so beyond important to me, and having him around again had brought back exactly how important he was. I wasn't sure I'd be able to go from living with him to having him in another state again. He had every right to go back to the school he'd made his, the school he'd spent the last year at. I didn't really have the right to ask him to transfer back to Vegas. He'd had the taste of LA life, and I knew he'd thrive there and he'd probably get a lot more experience being so close to Pete, but I didn't want to lose him to LA, and I didn't want to lose him to Pete. I wanted him to be home, even if he went to a different college and even if we didn't live together. I still wanted him in Vegas.

He'd been silent for a few moments before answering. "I don't know for sure Ry. Pete's offer is really tempting. I mean, just think about all the good that could come out of living with him and going to school in LA." He looked away from the road and over at me when we came to a stop. "But...at the same time, you wouldn't be there. The guys wouldn't be there. Even the guys from the internship wouldn't be there. And half the time, neither would Pete."

I nodded as he looked back at the road and started up again at the green light.

"I know, I know. But, yea, ok, it did hurt to see that, but it is my own fault. We suck, you know this, both of us are so jealous of things..."

"Yea, tell me about it," I laughed, "I guess it's because our family and friends pamper us so much and we haven't really been in any relationships. That makes a huge difference I think, cause when we were kids and we became friends, it was so easy, I mean, you would get extra green beans, and I would get extra pears and we would switch everyday, and that's how we built trust, just by something so simple, and now, this whole intimacy and stuff, it's hard. And, it's even harder when the person is hundreds of miles away..."

Spencer got out of the chair and sat next to me, "How are things with Ryan, you guys seemed a little not so touchy-feely this weekend."

"Spence," I looked at him, "This distance thing sucks! And I know, you can do the whole 'I told you so' cause you did tell me so. It just makes for simple things and misunderstanding and the missing of each other intensify even more. And it sucks."

He smiled at me and sighed, "I'm sorry Bren, but the summer will be over sooner than we think, and Ryan will be back in Vegas, and you two will be inseparable again, and all cute and what not. But really, tonight is the last night you might see him in awhile, so let's get ready so we can do something, how's that sound?"

"Perfect," I smiled, allowing him to help me up.

We pulled into Brendon's driveway and he looked over at me, still holding my hand in his. "I'm not sure how much good it would do for me to be here either. We'd have school, of course, but then, when we weren't doing the whole classes thing, you'll be off with Brendon. So even if we were roommates, that doesn't mean I'll see you much at all. So, I don't know if I should transfer back here either."

I nodded a little, he did have a point after all. When I came home from LA, me and Brendon probably would be doing a lot of stuff together to the point where I probably wouldn't have a tone of time to spend with Alex. That didn't mean that I wouldn't make time to do things with him though. I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed over to his lap. I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled in closer to him.

"I know. You have a very good point Lex. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't make time for you and time to be with you if you were here. Lex, I love you, and having you home here would be amazing. I don't know if I can go back to not having you around after having you with me this summer. I'm so used to having my best friend back. I'm not ready to lose you again."

"You're not going to lose me Ry. You're never going to lose me. Friends forever. Remember?" I nodded a little as he hugged me close. "C'mon, lets go inside. I think your boyfriend wants to spend some time with you before we have to jump on the plane bright and early tomorrow morning." I nodded again and sighed a little. He and I could talk about it more later, obviously, he was right, I needed to go in and spend time with Brendon. "Hey.." I looked up at him. "When we go back to LA, would you go with me and get a tattoo?"

I thought about it for a moment before smiling and nodding, leaning in to kiss him softly. "Sure."

Spencer put on the Letter Kills album, something he and I always listen to when we want to get hyper and have fun. They were a drug, their music, they made you want to dance and thrash around. It was perfect for us getting ready, we moved around nodding our heads to the beat as we got dressed and helped each other with our guyliner. It was fun really, doing this with Spence again, really the only time we hung out anymore was at band practice and shows since we both work different hours.

"Cause I could save you...cu-cu-cu-cu-cu gotta get it right! Cause I could save you!" I jumped up on the bed and did an air guitar as I stuttered through the words just like Matt the lead singer did. Spencer just sang along and laughed, joining in every once in a while, doing the air drums.

Being completely dressed and ready to go, since we were still wearing wet clothes from the pool earlier, we both jammed jumping on the floor like Vengeance and Synyster Gates would have done with our backs to each other and guitars out. We were dorks, we knew it, but we liked to have fun, and there was nothing wrong with that!

Once the song was over, we both fell back on my bed, lying there, giggling, slightly out of breath.

We opened the door to the car and both climbed out, me first since I was on his lap. I helped him out and he pulled me in against him as he closed the door. "I was thinking that you'd look damn sexy with a few stars tattooed on your perfectly tiny and pretty little hips."

I chuckled softly and nudged him a little as we approached Brendon's front door. It was something I'd been thinking about, although I had never really thought I'd actually do it. "Maybe, who knows. I'm not sure what I'd want to get..."

I glanced up at him in the light from the front porch. He looked so good with his eyes lined and his hair perfectly straight. We had taken the time to get ready before we took Pete to the airport. All three of us had showered and gotten dressed, and all three of us had walked out of the house with perfectly lined eyes. I wondered who Pete put the eyeliner on for, but then again, he was a celebrity, he did have to look good when going out in public.

"Your hips aren't so bad or big either, you know. They're actually pretty sexy." I winked at him and he chuckled and shrugged.

The slow song of the cd came on as both of us regained composure. I sat up first, feeling like I had done a hundred sit-ups from the laughing, and looked at the clock, "Shit, Ryan and Alex should be here by now, I hope everything is ok..." I had a short panic attack thinking about them. It shouldn't have taken this long form them to get back, especially if Pete's flight left on time.

"Bren," Spencer placed his hands on my shoulder, "Chill, they prolly got stuck in traffic since the fireworks are tonight, it's ok," he shook his head at me, "Here, let's go sit on the porch and wait for them, and when we get down there, you can call them once we get there, deal?"

I nodded as I moved out of his hands to turn off the cd player and grab an old blanket from the closet, then I walked down the hall to the bathroom and got a travel size bottle of bug spray from the linen closet and shoved it into my pocket. I hoped Ryan and Alex didn't mind, but every year since Spence and I were six, we would go to the fireworks just up the street, and this year, I didn't want it to be any different.

We made our way downstairs as I shouted to my parents that we were heading out. Spencer opened the door to come face to face with Ryan and Alex, "Well, hello there," I winked at Spencer, "Lucky us, we have two sexy bitches just sitting on our doorstep waiting to hang out with us," Spencer laughed, "Oh, I'll take that one," I pointed to Ryan, "He looks like a great kisser," I leaned into Spencer, but talked loud enough from Ryan and Alex to hear, "And a loud one in bed..." Spencer just laughed and shoved me through the doorway.

Hearing the doors open and the guys talking, I turned my attention from Alex over to Spence and Brendon. "Shush, Bren, not everyone needs to know how I sound in bed!" I pouted a little, but Alex still hadn't let go of me.

"Oh, I already knew, and I think Spence did too from the night he spent on the couch. I'm told the two of you got into it and got a little loud that night." He grinned down at me and leaned down to peck my nose. "You've always been a vocal one. I remember you being vocal as a kid, granted, not in the sex way, more like in every way possible but that." He chuckled and nudged me toward Brendon, unwrapping his arms from around me as he did so.

I stepped to Brendon and leaned in to kiss him softly before looking over at Spence. "So, I see you've taken to wearing eyeliner. Good. You look very sexy with it on. If it weren't for dating Brendon, I might of jumped you looking like that." I winked at him before turning backing to Brendon and snuggling in closer to him. "Sorry that took us so long."

Alex chuckled and looked over at Spence. "You're lucky he's got a boyfriend. Getting jumped by Ry involves long legs and long arms and getting all twisted up and usually ending up falling on your ass, not sure how to get up because you've got this long, skinny, lithe person basically wrapped around you." He gave me a wink before shrugging toward Spence. "He's right though, you look good in eyeliner."

I smiled at Spencer as I wrapped my arms around Ryan, pulling him into me, and kissing him on the temple as I was still in the house, and a little taller. "Yea," Spencer smirked, "I've grown to like it a little, it makes my eyes look smaller sometimes, and that's cool, so, you know, thanks..." he stepped around us and moved to near the steps, "You guys cool with going to the fireworks?"

I raised my eyes at Ryan as I stepped down and closed the door. I knew it wouldn't be long before Dad asked who was letting all the cold air out. I stretched up to kiss him on the cheek and laughed, "Now, long legs and arms as long as they are attached to Ryan are a very good thing," I nodded, grinning at Ryan, "And yea, Spence and I have this thing where we go to the fireworks. There is a cool hill a couple blocks away where you can see them perfectly and not many people are there, I mean, if that's cool with you..."

Walking us further away from the door, I smiled over to Spencer as we waited for Ryan and Alex to agree or disagree. That way we could make it an early night, since they had a flight in the morning. I really didn't want to be the reason that they were out so late, plus lots of places were closed because it was the 4th, so there really wasn't very many options at this point.

I shrugged a little and nodded. "I'm fine with that. But can we bring snacks and things out there with us? I haven't eaten anything since our brunch with Pete, and I could definitely use to put some food into my tummy."

Alex laughed and nodded. "Fireworks rock. But yeah, you wanna be careful with that boy, he eats more than his body weight in a day."

"Hey!" I laughed, reaching out and slapping Alex a little. "He's right on the count of the fireworks though, they rock, so I'm cool with that. But, I am hungry, even if I don't eat more than my body weight in a day, I still want to put some food into my stomach. We could stop and grab some fast food and bring that up with us. Or a pizza...or, maybe I'm the only one hungry?"

Frowning, I looked between the other guys, nestling as close to Brendon as I could, as if for reassurance. Alex was laughing, his hand over his mouth and his eyes crinkling adorable. I blushed a little and sighed. "Am I the only one who is hungry?"

Squeezing Ryan tighter, I snuggled into his cheek and bit it. He tasted good! I laughed to myself as I shook my face a little like a dog with his skin still lightly between my teeth. It was funny, he was like a cat, and I was like a dog. He was smooth and witty and smart, and I was loud and awkward and crazy. But, somehow, this mix-match worked well together.

"No, I'm quite hungry myself, we didn't eat anything, we spent the time you guys were gone swimming and then we made a myspace page for the band, so we could prolly stand to eat to, huh Spence?" I asked as I lifted up my shirt to wipe the spit off of Ryan's cheek, glad I didn't make any marks, but that it was only a little red.

"Yea, I could eat, there's a Subway on the way to the hill, if that works for you guys," he offered and smiled.

I clapped my hands, "Oh! Subway! I could really go for a foot long veggie sub, oh! With guacamole and banana peppers," I grinned, "Mmmm, can we go there?" I gave my biggest smile to Ryan as I still kept my hands around his waist.

Chuckling softly, I nodded and nuzzled in closer against him. "Sure. I think I could get a Chicken Bacon Ranch sub or wrap myself." I smiled and looked over at Alex, raising my eyebrows. "What about you?"

He shrugged and nodded. "Only if I get to have a cookie. I want a nice, big, cookie. I haven't had one in a long time. So, as long as I get a cookie, I'm happy wherever we go." He nodded and headed for the car. "Oh, Bren, here are your keys." He turned back and tossed them toward me and Bren as he went to climb in the back of the car.

I smiled as Bren caught the keys and turned to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and leaned in to kiss him softly and gently, murmuring against his lips. "Mmm...love you." I nipped his lower lip and tugged at it gently before pulling back and looking at him again, licking my lips. I smiled and pulled away, winking at him a little before turning and heading for the car too. I stopped at the side, letting Spence decide if he wanted front or back.

I grumbled a little when Ryan pulled away, I would be perfectly fine if that was all we did for the rest of the night, you know, just be all over each other. I was sure Spencer and Alex wouldn't mind. Right. Shoving the keys into my pocket in case my parents weren't home by the time we got back, I looked over to Spencer and Ryan, since Alex was already in the car, "It is seriously like a fifteen minute walk, you guys want to walk instead of drive?" I looked down and mumbled, "It's kinda how we always do it..."

I knew that new times called for new traditions, but really, I liked walking around at night, I knew it was warm out, but we all had already dressed for the weather anyway, so walking could do us some good, I just hoped they were game with it.

Spencer agreed immediately, "I'm cool with walking, and we can get the Subway to go and eat it on the hill like we usually do, that way we can be outside longer, I hate the insides of Subways anyway, there is way too much yellow..."

Laughing at Spencer, I shook my head and turned to Ryan, taking his hand and kissing it before asking, "Is that ok, I mean, are you strong enough and everything to walk right now? I could give you a piggy back ride, or if you need something so you don't pass out on the walk, we can get some crackers from inside," I still wasn't sure if he was completely strong again from last week, and as much as a tradition this may have been for us, I didn't want to risk his health.

"You don't have to treat me like an invalid Brendon. I'm okay. If its a short enough walk then yeah, I think I can do that. And no, I don't think I need to go inside and get crackers before we go. So, I didn't eat for like...half a week, it wasn't like I went through chemotherapy or have been sick for a month. Really, I've eaten yesterday and today. I'll be fine." I glanced over to the car and motioned for Alex to get out.

He climbed out of the car and held his hands up slightly. "Hey, what's going on, I thought we were going?"

I nodded a little and motioned to Spence and Brendon. "We are, they'd just rather walk instead of drive."

Alex bit his lip and walked over to us. "Oh, okay...well, thats fine. You'll be okay Ry, right?"

Sighing, I nodded and shooed them to start walking. "I'll be fine. I'm not a china doll and I'm not fragile. I'm fine!"

Alex looked between Brendon and Spence before back to me. "You know I always worry about you Ry. And seriously, I'll carry you if you get tired."

I sighed and nodded. "Yeah, you and Bren both."

Spencer furrowed his brows at me as we walked ahead of Ryan and Alex, "What was that all about?" he asked in a hushed tone, looking straight ahead.

We had always been good at that. Sitting in class as kids, or hanging out around our parents, we would talk to each other so that other people around would have no clue that we were talking, and they wouldn't listen in on our conversations. I guessed we found inventive ways of being sneaking around prying parents and sisters.

"Nothing really, Ryan was just a little under the weather last week, and didn't eat much, so Alex and I are a little over protective right now, to make sure that he is strong enough. I seriously couldn't imagine if anything were to happen to him, especially on our count of walking when we could easily drive..."

I could see Spencer nod slightly out of the corner of my eye, "Ah, got ya," he whispered as he turned around, "You too slow pokes ok back there?" he asked trying to lighten the situation. I just turned around and smiled at the two of them, giving Ryan his space, if that's what he wanted.

Alex and I walked together, I kept my pace fairly slow because I didn't think I could handle walking too fast. At the same time, I didn't want to go so slow that I held everyone else up. Alex slid his arm around my shoulders and looked down at me. "I can carry you Ry. Give you a piggy back or something, so you don't have to walk. I'd more than happily bear your light weight."

I shook my head and pulled away. "I'm not fragile Alex. I'm not going to fall over from walking! I'm fine, okay?!" Shaking my head, I picked up my pace, leaving Alex behind me and passing Brendon and Spencer. I was sick of being treated like a fragile porcelain doll. I knew it was my own fault for not eating for a few days and making myself weak, but I'd had a few days of eating again and I felt fine. I didn't need to be treated like something so fragile that I couldn't just live my life.

Wrapping my arms around myself, I just kept walking. I had an idea where we were going because there was only one Subway that was close enough to walk to, so I just made my way toward that, hoping that was what they intended. I just felt so frustrated. I didn't need them to be acting the way they were, I just wanted everything to be normal, just as normal as always.

Sighing to myself, I ran my hand through my hair. I hated things like this. I was now mad at my best friend who I had just told I wanted him to be home for the year.

My eyes grew big as Ryan ran past us. I didn't know what to do. I knew he was upset, I could tell by the way he was running his hands through his hair. And maybe I was selfish in the fact that I wanted everything to be ok with us at the moment, cause we did have only a few hours left together until the morning, so I was torn between confronting him and possibly digging myself deeper, or staying back and letting him breath.

I looked back at Alex who was watching Ryan. I slowed down a little so he could catch up when I turned to see Spencer running after Ryan. They weren't that far away when I heard Spencer shout, "Dude, I was just kidding, you aren't a slow poke, I was just joking, really I was..."

Biting my lip, I looked over at Alex, "Is it wrong that we care about him? Or are we just going overboard on it? I mean, I didn't think it would upset him that much, I just cared is all, and I am sure you are doing just the same," I looked back up at Spencer and Ryan, Spencer was jogging lightly to keep up, but he kept talking, as we too picked up the pace. I heard him say something about needing to exercise more.

I turned back to Alex and shrugged as we kept our pace, waiting for him to answer.

I looked over at Spencer and shook my head. "Its not your fault Spence. Really, its not. I'm just so fucking tired of being treated like a china doll. So fucking what if I didn't eat for a few days because Brendon and I got into a fight that fucked with my head? So fucking what if I didn't eat and ended up light headed and weak? So fucking what? Its been a few days now. I've been eating. They don't need to treat me like I'm going to fall apart if I walk a little ways or if I do something active."

I shook my head and again ran my hand through my hair. "Everyone has their own way of dealing with shit. So I stopped eating for the most part. So I replaced food with alcohol. That doesn't mean I'm suddenly fragile!" I knew I should have tried to keep my voice down, but I really didn't care. I was just upset.

Alex frowned at hearing my voice and he looked down. "No, its not wrong that we care about him Bren. But there comes a point when we put too much into it I guess. I guess we should have just...I dunno, cared silently instead of offering to carry him and asking him if he was okay and everything." He scratched the back of his neck. "He'll calm down. Just...if we don't bring it up I guess..."

"Yea, sure, that's it," I shook my head, letting out a breath, "We will just push it under the rug, you know, since it has worked so well for me in the past," I spoke loud enough for only Alex to hear as we were able to speed up and maintain enough speed to be only about three paces behind them.

Luckily when Spencer was walking his voice got louder, "Yea, it sucks when people care about you sometimes," he shrugged turning around to look at me, "But, really, I guess that is how they are. Most people would kill for friends like that, but I know how it can get over powering at times. And I know how annoying it is when people want to help you, but you don't want their help. Oh well, it makes the world go around I guess..."

We all walked/jogged silently for a while as neither of us said anything. I wasn't sure what to say, Alex looked like he was about to throw up or something, I wasn't sure, and Spencer looked like he was humming the fucking theme song to the Brady Bunch or something, so we kept silent. I wanted to reach out and touch Ryan, but I wasn't sure if that would draw the line, but luckily I could see the Subway, so at least we would have something else to distract us for the time being.

When we got to the Subway, I stopped and looked at it, I wasn't hungry anymore. I really wasn't. I thought that if I even tried to put food into my body that I'd throw up. I didn't want to even smell it. I also knew that if I told them I wasn't hungry anymore or if I didn't buy something, they'd say something to me again. I really wasn't sure what to do.

Alex stepped up to me and reached up, putting his hand on my cheek and leaning in so it was just me and him, so only I could hear what he had to say. "I'm sorry, Ry. I know, I'm over protective. I'm over reacting. I'm sorry. You know I worry about you more than I should when you go through things like this. You know how I feel, and you know that I over compensate. You pushed away and I watched you hurt yourself, of course I'm going to treat you more fragile than normal. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be over protective, I shouldn't over compensate. I'm sorry Ry."

I frowned and jerked my head a little away from his hand, looking out into the night. "I'm not fragile. I'm not a china doll."

"I know Ry. You're not a china doll. You're my best friend. You're the person that if anything happened to, my life would crash down around me and I wouldn't know which was was up. You're the one who means life and the world to me. If I lost you, even slightly, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. So no, you're not a fragile china or porcelain doll. But you're more important to me than any of those things could ever be. So if I treat you over cautiously, its just because I don't ever want to lose you."

I looked back up at him, seeing his eyes watering as he looked at me. "I'm fine Alex. I am."

He nodded and whispered. "I know you are. But I can't help but be cautious with you."

I nodded a little and stepped toward him, letting him wrap his arms around me as I gave in.

I couldn't help but watch Ryan and Alex. They stood there comforting each other. I guessed if I was here, I would want to make sure everything was ok with the person I would be living with. Not that Ryan had to make sure that everyone was ok with him, but I knew that if they spent the whole night in each other's arms, that I wasn't going to be a fan of the evening at all. And if being in Alex's arms was what he wanted for the night, and what would help him heal himself, then that was what he would get. I would just go home alone and be by myself. Forgetting that he was my boyfriend, and he only got to see me three times a month, and that he could see Alex whenever he wanted, and all the time he saw me he was with him too.

Yes, I have welcomed you to my pity party have some wine or sparkling grape juice and some cheese.

Sighing, I looked at Spencer, "Hey you wanna go get the food?" I broke his concentration of looking at Rylex as he stared at me, taking in what I had said, and nodded, "Cool," I turned to them and said flatly, "Spence and I are gonna get the food, we'll get what you mentioned before and four waters, I hope that is ok for you guys, um, we'll be back when we are done..."

I gave them a half smile before turning to walk in, almost pushing Spencer through the door, "They're getting closer and closer aren't they?" Spencer asked as he hopped in line. I gave him the look that read 'Don't even start.'

I sighed softly as I watched Brendon and Spencer go inside of Subway. I pulled back a little and looked up at Alex. "You don't have to be so cautious with me Lex. At least, not so vocally...okay?"

Alex nodded and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "I'm sorry, I'll back off a little, okay? Just...do me a favor and don't go and not eat for a while again? Cuz seeing you about to pass out is just bad for my health."

I smiled and nodded, leaning up and giving him a big hug before pulling back. "I think...I think I did something wrong...with Bren...I don't think he's happy with me." I frowned and furrowed my eyebrows a little, looking back down and shaking my head. "I'm not sure how to fix whatever it is, but I'm sure its my fault...somehow."

Alex sighed and reached up to scratch at the back of his neck for a moment before he looked over at me again. "Its probably more the whole you and me thing. I've probably been stepping on his toes because he's there and I'm taking up your time...I'm always taking up your time, at least thats probably what he's thinking.." He bit his lip slightly and gave me a shove toward the door. "Maybe I should go spend the night at your house, leave you two together without me here for once."

Stopping, I looked back at him and frowned, shaking my head a little. "You don't have to leave Lex."

I stood in line, forcing myself to not look out the door, luckily there was a cute little emo kid that I could occupy my time with. It looked like his first day, cause he was messing up left and right, but then I noticed him looking at Spencer and blushing. I couldn't help but smirk at that. Again, leave it to something that had to do with Spencer to make me laugh. I leaned in, "Looks like someone has a crush," I whispered.

He turned around, "Huh?" I titled my head towards the scrawny kid with scene hair. Spencer looked at him, as did I, seeing the boy look up at us and drop what he had in his hands on the floor. We both tried to keep back our laughter, but I knew I was shaking. I wanted to tell the kid that we weren't laughing cause he fucked up, but I could care less, really at this point. Spencer leaned back in to me, "He is kinda cute..."

I nodded, then winked and pinched his ass, which in result turned into a little fight of various words being flung between the two of us, but ending with 'Mama's boy' and that was where we usually drew the line. We stood there laughing as the next person waited for us to tell her what we wanted.

Once we got the order down, we got to go bags and such, as well as four bottles of water, which somehow Spencer got us for free, he had a way with the ladies words sometimes, he had some talent! With our hands full, we walked out and stepped up next to Rylex, "You guys ready?" Spencer asked.

Alex looked at the guys before looking at me. He nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Yeah, about that..." He looked over at the guys again. "You go ahead. I think I'm gonna just go and...just not be in the way tonight." His eyes flicked over to me again before he nodded. "You guys have a good time, and a good night. Ry...I'll see you in the morning, just don't be late for our flight." He gave Spence and Brendon a smile before he turned and started walking down the sidewalk.

I stood, watching him go, chewing on my lip before I turned back to Brendon and Spencer, not sure what to do or say after that. I mean, Spencer was going to feel like he didn't belong, and I hated that Alex was going off and going to spend the night alone. I looked over at Brendon and gave him a small smile. I didn't know if he was mad at me and I didn't know if we were okay.

Glancing up the sidewalk, I saw Alex wasn't walking very fast and I was wondering if he was hoping we'd call him back. I knew I couldn't be the one to call him back, that would probably just make the whole situation with Brendon worse, that'd make him more mad at me I was sure. I looked back over at Brendon and Spence, seeing the food in their hands, I frowned slightly before murmuring. "I'm sorry you got him food..."

"Wait? What?" I blurted out looking at Ryan. Shoving the food towards him, I went running after Alex. It didn't take long to catch up with him. Once I did, I grabbed his shoulder lightly, but hard enough to turn him around in the process, "Wh...You...Wha..." I couldn't even get the words out, I was so confused. Maybe I wasn't the person to be coming after him. I wasn't sure what Ryan and him had talked about when we were getting food, but I could tell it wasn't Alex leaving.

I looked back to Spencer and Ryan standing there staring at us when I turned back to Alex, "Alex, you...you can't go. We got you food, we are going to see the fireworks, we are just going to hang out and have a good time, and what would a good time be without you?" I asked, realizing that most likely wasn't the best thing to say, "Look, stay. Join us. Sit with us, at least to eat your cookie...and if you still want to go after that, then I won't try and stop you, but really, I want you here. And Ryan wants you here and Spencer wants you here, and by the pace you were walking, you want you here too..."

I moved to face the same way he was and placed my hand on his back, walking us towards Spencer and Ryan, "Well, come on," I gestured down the street, "We have some fireworks to see!" I looked over to Alex, "I can't make you stay, but I want you too, ok?"

Alex nodded a little as he walked with Brendon back toward us. I kinda fidgeted where I stood, holding the food that Brendon had shoved into my hands. I was glad that he went after Alex, although it made me kinda look at Spence like 'what the fuck?' because I thought he'd go after Alex before Brendon did.

Looking back down at the food in my hands, I still wasn't sure if I actually wanted to put any of that into my body. My stomach still turned a little just looking down at it, but I knew I had to at least make a show of looking like I was eating and maybe actually get a little of it actually into myself. After all, Alex had just told me that I wasn't allowed to skip the whole eating thing, so I had to follow my promise and at least eat something.

Alex looked over at me as he and Brendon reached me, he gave me a small smile and I smiled back at him before starting to walk again. I still didn't know where I was going, but I just walked anyway, figuring Spence and Brendon would tell me if I took a wrong turn or something.

I caught up with Ryan, taking one of the bags from his hands and wrapping my arm around his waist. I didn't want to bring anything up that had happened in the last twenty minutes. Sure, Alex might have said that we should ignore it, which he obviously didn't do, so, for once I was going to take someone's advice. I would talk about when Ryan was ready to. I was not in the mood to push anyone into doing anything at the moment, that was for sure.

"So," I tried, hopefully not sounding like a dumbass, "This is probably our first time alone since last night, have you been enjoying yourself back home? Or do you miss LA?" Sure, that was it, go with small talk, I just had to make sure not to talk about the weather or anything, cause that conversation was road kill. I looked over at him as we walked, we weren't that far from the hill, so I tried to slow down our pace since it wasn't even close to dark yet, and the fireworks don't start until it was past dusk.

"Oh, and did Pete make it back ok? Was he disappointed over coming out here to see us? Or more importantly, were you disappointed in our performance?" I asked. it was weird, it seemed like I hadn't talked to Ryan in years. It seemed we never were really alone anymore, and when we were it was always rushed or bad timing. I hated that. That was the thing with when he was upset, I still didn't know how to handle it, cause I still needed to learn about him and from him. So, that right there pushed us away even further.

I shrugged a little as we walked. I figured he must be a little nervous about something because he asked several questions in a row without giving me the chance to really answer anything before another was asked. I glanced over my shoulder at Alex and Spencer before back to Brendon. "Its been nice to be back home, even if I haven't had a lot of time to actually be home. Its still been fun."

Glancing at Brendon, I smiled softly before dipping my head down, my hair falling down in front of my face. "As for Pete...I haven't heard from him yet, although I'm sure I will at some point tonight. Unless he's got a party to go to as soon as he gets back, which is possible. He's not the most responsible in calling back or whatever. He's more likely to send me a text message or something at like three in the morning being like 'oh, yeah, I'm home, safe, see you soon.' Or something like that."

I nodded a little and shrugged slightly. "He didn't say anything about your performance though. He probably won't say anything more to me than what he said to you guys. Although, then again, he might if we get talking about it. I don't really know though. But...he was right though, you guys were off and there are things that can be worked on and all, but, I think we all knew that already."

I watched him as he talked. While listening, I couldn't help but smile at how amazing he looked. Reaching over with my free hand, I tucked his hair behind his ear, leaving my fingers to linger there and down his cheek, "God, you're beautiful Ryan..." I whispered as I took my eyes off him, blushing slightly, "Oh, hey, we're here," I smiled as I pointed for Ryan to go towards the left, since he was on that side of the sidewalk, "Where do you guys want to sit?" I asked, not that there was much of a choice, it was hill, hill, or, well, hill.

Spencer took initiative and walked down a little ways and plopped down, "Here is good!" he smiled up at us, setting his food down and motioning for us to follow.

Looking over at Ryan, I shrugged, "I guess we'll sit there," I smiled, winking at him as we made our way down the slightly steep hill to Spencer. I sat down with a oomph and crossed my legs immediately as to not fall. I knew I should have worn pants, cause I wasn't a fan of grass on my legs, but I didn't care. I patted the ground next to me and smiled up at Ryan, "I saved you a spot," I grinned, hoping he would sit down next to me as we ate. Now later, hopefully that would be a different story.

I smiled a little at Brendon and slid down onto the grass beside him, looking up as Alex sat down between me and Spencer before looking back over at Brendon. I smiled slightly at him before looking down at the food that I had carried with me. I chewed on my lip as I opened the bag to revel what just so happened to be my sandwich. I took a shaky breath as I looked down at it, seriously not sure if I could actually eat it.

Glancing over at Alex, I smiled softly. "Did you get your giant cookie?"

He laughed and grinned, holding it up for me to see, nodding at me as he did. I chuckled and shook my head a little before reaching down and picking up one of the bottles of water that I'd been holding, handing it over to Brendon so that he'd have his drink too and so I wasn't hoarding it. "You're gonna share your cookie with all of us, right? You can't have a cookie and expect the rest of us not to want some."

Alex gasped and held the cookie against his chest gently so that it wouldn't crumble. "NO! Its mine!"

Laughing at Alex, I took a bite of my sandwich and moved closer to Ryan as I did so. Our hips were basically touching as were our knees. Once I swallowed the food in my mouth, I leaned over and kissed Ryan's shoulder, shaking my head at Alex in the process. Glancing at Spencer, I could tell that he wanted to say something but he had just took a huge bite of his sandwich. Watching him chew quickly, we swallowed, "Yea, that thing could feed a whole army!" Spencer smiled, "I'll trade you some Cheetos for a bite, and we got Ryan some chips, I'm sure we could pull off a sweet lunch room trade. Too bad they didn't sell pudding cups, that was always a big hit."

I shook my head at Spencer and laughed again before taking a bite of my sandwich. It tasted really good. I loved the veggie sandwich on asiago cheese bread with onions, peppers, mustard, tomatoes, banana peppers, guacamole, and salt and pepper. But, good thing they had after dinner mints, cause I always needed like ten of those until I could brush my teeth.

Looking over at Ryan, I noticed he hadn't touched his food. I wasn't going to force him to eat, or even try to cause a scene about it, speaking of which, I wondered if he brought up the cookie deal with Alex to create a diversion of him not eating. I stared at him as I placed my hand on his knee, massaging it lightly as I continued to eat, and stayed quiet.

I glanced at Brendon's hand on my knee and looked at the food in front of me. Spencer was right, there was a bag of chips with my sandwich that I hadn't even noticed. I bit my lip a little harder and opened the bottle of water, feeling safe enough with that for the moment. I mean, water can't really upset your stomach, so I didn't think I'd have any problem with that. It was the other food I was worried about, you know, the actual food.

Trying to not worry so much about the food, I looked out over the view, just looking around because I really had no memory of ever being on that hill. It did have a nice view, it would definitely be someplace I'd seek out on my own next time I was home for more than just a mere handful of days. I could hear the other guys eating, and I could feel Alex and Brendon's eyes on me. They both knew I hadn't eaten a thing.

Sighing softly, hopefully so that no one but me knew that I even let the sigh out, I slowly unwrapped my sandwich, looking down at it. My stomach didn't want it and I didn't want to put it into my stomach, but I knew, if I didn't, there would be hell to pay from my boyfriend and best friend. Only, I didn't know how I was going to get the food into my mouth and down into my stomach before my body even rejected it. It figured that my nerves did such things to me, it always caused problems when I was upset. I unrolled the wrap a little and plucked a piece of chicken out, closing my eyes and taking a breath before putting it into my mouth.

I looked over at Ryan as he almost forced the food down his mouth. I was aware that there were times when I would close my eyes to savor the taste, but this didn't look like savoring. It looked like he was trying to wish it away or act like it was something else. I didn't know what to do. For one thing, I could call the whole firework thing off and have Spencer go back and get my car and we would go home, but I knew Ryan wouldn't allow that. On the other hand, I could tell Ryan that he didn't have to eat, and he could let his body get weaker and weaker. But then, if I sat back and was quiet, he could eat and then regret it or just do it because we want him to, and that too could cause some damage.

My eyes connected with Alex's as I gulped. Biting my lip, we just looked at each other for a few moments. I knew as soon as Ryan opened his eyes that I would be right back to looking at my sandwich or the scenery in front of us, but not until I saw him swallow. I had to make sure it was going down ok, and hopefully would not come back up.

I kept my hand on his knee, trying not to apply anymore pressure to make it look like I was trying to push him into anything. It was weird, I felt like I was sitting on pins and needles with him. And I wasn't sure how to handle it.

Finishing the piece of chicken, I opened my eyes and looked across at the darkening sky. It was beautiful, I just wished I didn't have the worry of food to taint the experience, because it really was beautiful. I looked back down at my sandwich. If people watched me, they'd probably think I was anorexic or something, but I didn't usually have problems eating, it was just the problem when my nerves went over the edge. Thats what it was the previous week after my fight with Brendon, nerves. Things had gotten better, and then they'd gotten worse again. I knew it was all in my head, I also knew I couldn't stop eating, Alex wouldn't let me, and it wasn't healthy.

Ripping a small piece of the wrap off, I made sure there was some lettuce in it, and I ate that too. I knew I'd end up eating, I had to, but it would take a while. Chances were I'd be eating for an hour or something. I didn't mind if that was the case, but the rest of the guys were going to be done in a matter of minutes, and I was picking. Well, at least I was putting food in my body.

Alex leaned over a little and tilted his head toward mine. "Not quite the same view as off our balcony, is it? But at the same time, it does kinda remind me of LA, but yet, not. The difference is this is home. It always will be, right?"

I nodded a little and looked over at him with a small smile. "Always will be."

I smiled as Ryan made more of an attempt to eat. At least he was trying, so we had to give him that. Eating half of the sub, I realized that I was full, plus, I loved the taste of the veggie sub after it had settled for a while in it's wrapper. Closing up the package, I placed it back in the bag, skipping over the chips I had bought, those too could wait, it was getting darker and the fireworks were about to start.

Spencer mentioned that he was full and got up to throw away trash, "Anyone else done? Have garbage? Anything?" he asked looking down at us and hopefully noting that we were all still in the middle. I would guess he did, cause he simply shrugged his shoulders and disposed of his half eaten sandwich.

Dusting my hands off on my shorts, I moved the food a little off to the side and looked over at Ryan, "Hey," I smiled, "You wanna get comfortable for the show?" I asked, now patting the spot between my open legs, "You can sit here and I can hold you," I smiled even bigger, "I've missed holding you..." I gave him a short pout as I straightened out my legs and made more room for the open invite, which I hope he accepted, cause I really wanted him near me and touching my right now. He could still eat, and hopefully this would take his mind off being pressured, and maybe even relax and enjoy the food and the show some more.

Glancing over at Alex and Spencer before looking back at Brendon, I nodded a little. I moved the sandwich and everything out of the way so that I could move over and between Brendon's legs. I wasn't sure if I'd keep eating, being held by Brendon, but I also figured that if I didn't they'd all ask me about it because I was the one who said they were hungry first.

Settling down between Brendon's legs, I leaned back against his body and just let my body relax against his. It felt good to be like that with him again. I missed him holding me too, but I wasn't going to ask him to if he didn't offer. After all, things had gotten tense with us again, I didn't like it, but I wasn't going to be the one to rock things more. I rested my head back against his shoulder, just letting my body slip down slightly so that I could very comfortably rest my head on his shoulder without any strain to my neck.

I reached over Bren's leg to get my water, opening the bottle and taking a drink before capping it again and putting it down beside us. Alex caught my eye and smiled over at me before he returned to eating his sandwich. He was obviously hungry, and I was sure that if I didn't eat mine before we left, he'd finish whatever was left of it.

I wrapped my arms loosely around his waist, while pressing a kiss to his neck, "Now, this is better. Not only do I get to hold you, I get to smell you, and taste you, and feel you," I kissed up his neck again, "And, we both can see the show," I smiled again as I nuzzled my nose into his hair, breathing him in. I definitely missed that.

Getting comfortable, I sighed, again, enjoying his scent as it floated through my nose. I hummed lightly, "This I could could get used to..." I pecked his skin again as there was a loud boom in the distance signifying that the fireworks had started. I looked up to see them, tilting my head slightly to rest down on Ryan's and wrapping my arms around him tighter, running my fingers against his shirt.

I smiled as Spencer did the 'oohs' and the 'aahs' and I could hear patriotic music in the distance. I always loved that part, so I hummed along to it, 'God Bless America' it was one of my favorites. I enjoyed the lights in front of me, but even more so, Ryan in my arms. This was how life was supposed to be.

I took a deep breath, letting my eyes slide closed as I just felt Brendon and felt his arms around me. I didn't really care that much about the fireworks, what I cared about was just getting myself back into balance and being okay again, and that was emotionally and mentally, not physically. My body could handle it, the rest of me I wasn't sure if it could.

Opening my eyes, I glanced over at Alex. He'd finished his food and had pushed it all aside. He had moved a little further away from me and Brendon, my guess was that he was trying to give the two of us a little privacy while being there with us. He'd moved a little closer to Spencer, and that was where he was, lounging beside him, almost laying on his back as he looked up into the sky, watching the fireworks.

I could see the way the colors splashed both their faces, it was beautiful too, though in a different way from the scenery and the view. Hearing the bang of another set of fireworks, I turned my attention back to the sky, moving my arms to pull Brendon's a little more firmly around me. I sighed softly, in content, before turning my head to look up at Brendon, to see the colors paint his face.

Feeling eyes on me, I looked down to see Ryan staring at me. I couldn't help but smile, "Hey Ry," I said awkwardly. It was like a first date feeling or something. I seriously had butterflies in my stomach. It most likely had to do with the heat, the excitement of the fireworks, but more importantly Ryan actually being there with me.

Not being able to contain my nerves and excitement, I leaned down to press my lips to his. It was a weird, sideways kiss, and I used my cheek to tilt his head up to mine. As I deepened the kiss while running my arms tighter around his. I didn't even give him time to resist as I moved my tongue into his mouth, flipping back and forth from kissing him, pecking him, biting his lips, and exploring his mouth.

I forgot about our surroundings. The fireworks, the heat, Spencer and Alex, the food, the kids running around us with sparklers as I placed my palm on his waist, moving the fabric of his shirt to feel his skin. My thumb grazed over the warm flesh in front of it, feeling the bumpy ridges of his ribcage. He was getting thin. Like, a little too thin. I pulled back with a gasp for air and looked into his eyes, they looked like the same Ryan, just not his body.

I looked up at Brendon after he pulled away, still seeing the colors painting his face. Smiling softly, I turned back a little to look at the sky. I didn't turn away from him, not really, I just shifted slightly so I could be snuggled in against him and still see the fireworks. My mind started spiraling though because he pulled back pretty much the moment he touched my body. It made me wonder if he didn't want to touch me anymore, if he was revolted by my body.

Squeezing my eyes closed, I told myself to stop thinking like that. It was one of those mine modes where suddenly you lost yourself in self doubt and self loathing as well as second guessing everything and everyone. I got like that occasionally, but if I could cut it off before it got very far I wouldn't have a lot of problems. I didn't want things to keep having problems with me and Brendon, I knew I had to shut my mind off to prevent screwing things up yet.

I opened my eyes and looked back up at the sky, turning my body a little again so I could lean back against Brendon again. I glanced back over at Alex and Spence, smiling slightly to myself. I couldn't tell what they were really doing. I could see Alex's legs, but I wasn't trying to really be nosy and get up in their business. Hell, as long as they weren't fucking on the grass beside us, it really wasn't my business, not that them fucking really was my business, but still, it'd be seen by pretty much anyone if they were right there.

I sighed, placing my fingers back onto Ryan's skin, simply tracing patterns and again humming with the songs. I laughed lightly, causing Ryan to shake as they were playing Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl". Singing along, I dubbed the words, "Ryan's my, brown eyed boy..." then kissed the top of his head.

"You know, when I was younger, like I think four or five, before I knew Spencer, my mom and Dad and sister and I used to walk down here on the fourth and watch the fireworks. I would ride on my dad's shoulders the whole way here while my mom pulled my sister in the wagon, she was old enough to walk, but too big to be carried. My dad always made sure to get some Sparklers from a relative that had come in town for our annual party, and we would light them and watch them die down. I always used to spell out my name," just as I was doing the same across Ryan's stomach, without even knowing until I mentioned it, "And my mom would make my sister practice her ABC's."

I sighed again, as I pulled Ryan closer to me, "Then one year, I remember, mom and dad were ready to come see them with us, but I wanted to go with Spencer and my sister wanted to go with a friend. I could tell they were so disappointed, I mean, now, but not then. But, they still let us go. And when we got back, my sister and I were both tired, but my dad still had that box of Sparklers with him, waiting on the porch," I laughed, "And he prolly still will tonight too."

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