Youbrat's Writing Archive (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} mmm___pete) wrote,@ 2007-05-13 21:48:00 |
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This is Bullshit (40/?)
HEY LOOK, WE CAME BACK!
Title: This is Bullshit (40/?)
Authors:howido_fics & youbrat
Pairing: Ryden
Rating: R/E
Summary: At the hospital in LA and back at the apartment, with a twist.
Disclaimer: *sigh*
Author’s Note: This is a co-write.howido_fics is Brendon and Spencer, youbrat is Ryan and Alex. Ryan's pov is blue, Alex's is red, Spencer's is green and Bren's is black.
Quick Catch-up:
Ryan and Alex returned to LA after Brendon's graduation party on July 4th weekend. The following weekend Brendon received a phone call from Alex letting him know that there had been a car accident and Ryan was in the hospital, unconscious. Brendon, with Spencer, took off from the Battle of the Bands they were at and drove to LA to see them. They arrived at the hospital and found Ryan still unconscious and Alex falling apart. Ryan's parents still hadn't arrived yet and the group of them were a wreck. Brendon and Spencer went to sleep in Spencer's car for the night while Alex spent the night in Ryan's hospital room.
I stretched and yawned in the front seat of Spencer's car. Gasping once I woke up since it was sunny out. Panicking, I reached for my phone and it was about 9:30 in the morning. How the hell did we sleep so long? I reached back and poked Spencer, "Spence! Wake up! It's late! We have to go see Ryan!"
Spencer groaned then sat up, "Is he awake?" he questioned adjusting his shirt. I looked at my phone again, seeing no missed calls and shook my head, "Ok, well, it should at least be visiting hours, don't you think?" Again I nodded, this time with more energy, "Well, come on then," he slid to the door and jumped out.
Following suit, we were on our way into the hospital. I had the slightest clue how to get to the room, luckily Spencer knew where he was going. I just followed him, tapping my feet though, when he stopped to get three orange juices and a couple bagels, "Come on...he could be awake!"
He just smiled at me, "And then you will be so excited you too will pass out from not eating anything for over 14 hours. Plus, I'm sure Alex would be hungry too."
"Ok, Ok..." I let out as he paid for the food, then walked us to Ryan's room. I smiled once we walked in, just happy to see Ryan, awake or not...
I had woken up around three in the morning to find Ryan's parents in the room. They kept their voices down, but I still woke up. They asked me questions and I did my best to answer them before letting me go back to sleep and heading off to a local hotel. They told me that I needed to go home and take care of myself before returning. I didn't want to leave the hospital, but I didn't say anything about that to them, I just curled back up and went to sleep when they left around four.
Later in the morning, around eight, I'd woken up again. That time, I'd gotten out of the bed and dragged the most comfortable chair in the room over to Ryan's bed. I curled up in the chair, holding onto Ryan's hand, and closed my eyes again. I didn't intend to fall asleep, but I must have a little bit because the next thing that I knew, Brendon and Spence were walking into the room.
I rubbed my eyes a little and gave them a small smile. "Hey..." I sat up and ran my free hand through my hair and moved to the edge of my seat. "He...he's still asleep...the doctors checked in on him early this morning and said things are going okay, nothing to be too worried about, or at least thats what they said. His parents were here around three, they went to a hotel around four but should be back sometime this morning I think." I shrugged a little and looked down at my hand, fingers laced with Ryan's. I still just wanted him to wake up.
I just nodded as I walked over to Ryan giving him a 'good morning' kiss then ran my fingers along his jaw, "His color seems to be better, or maybe that's just the sunlight, but he is looking better...don't you think he is looking better?"
Spencer simply nodded to me as he passed out the food and drinks that he bought, "Here Alex, I got this for you, just something small to put in your stomach. And his parents made it, good, I didn't think they would have been that far behind us, but I guess we did get here kind of quickly, didn't we Bren?"
I ignored his question and looked at Alex, while sighing. I wanted to know what happened, but I wasn't sure if I could take it. I knew I had to hear eventually. Maybe I could just wait until he told Ryan too, but then, I didn't know. And I hated that. So, I gave in, "Alex," I cleared my throat, "How, how did it happen? I mean, the accident," I pointed to Ryan, "This...what happened?" I bit my lip again, realizing that was something I picked up from Ryan. I noticed a lot of things that I started to do, that reminded me of Ryan. And it made me smile.
I thanked Spencer softly and put the food on the little table next to Ryan's bed, still holding onto his hand. I really didn't want to answer Brendon's questions, but, I answered them for Ryan's parents the night before, and Brendon did deserve to hear what happened, I mean, why wouldn't he?
I reached up and rubbed at my forehead a little before looking over at Brendon. "I...I'm not sure...I mean, I am...but...I'm not. Its hard to explain." I shook my head a little and looked over at Spencer for a moment before back to Brendon and then down, closing my eyes. I took a breath before continuing.
"We were heading to the show...Ryan insisted that he drive because he just loved the car that we rented. The show was just outside of the city, it wasn't too far away, it wasn't too long of a drive...I let him drive, it made him happy. We had music on as we were driving, he was just singing along...god, his voice sounded good..." I trailed off for a moment and sighed before continuing. "We were crossing an intersection when it happened. Our light was green, I know it was green. Ry's a good driver, he wouldn't go when it wasn't green..."
Reaching over, I grabbed the orange juice and took a sip, licking my lips after. "I didn't see it coming until it was too late. Ry didn't see it coming either, he couldn't have. It came out of nowhere...and the next thing I knew, I was waking up with a headache and hearing ambulance and police and fire sirens and I was trying to figure out how I fell asleep. I opened my eyes to find the car a mangled wreck and Ryan...Ry looked lifeless...he was just laying there...legs pinned beneath the steering wheel...head listing to the side...blood...god...there was blood...I thought I lost him right then and there..."
I started shaking as he explained what happened. I couldn't look at him as he talked, nor could I look at Ryan, or even Spencer, so I just held my head down and let the tears fall into my lap. I sobbed loudly, trying to keep myself quiet. For some reason it was the first time, not even after seeing him, but Alex telling what happened, it was the first time it really sunk in. His story made true and real.
"Oh god," I heard Spencer say as he rubbed my back, breaking the uncomfortable silence, "Here we were worried about Ryan, fuck Alex, how are you? Are you ok?"
Shit. I really did feel like an ass. Last night I told him to be strong for Ryan, and he was hurt too. I looked up this time, trying to show through my expression that I too was concerned about him. But I knew if I were to open my mouth I would either vomit or sob uncontrollably again, and right then I didn't know which was worse.
"He is a good driver...and he does have a beautiful voice..." I let out, "This one time, I remember this one time when he sang this song...I miss his voice," I sighed at Alex, "I just want to hear it again..." I knew I was just talking to myself, more than anything or anyone. I just didn't want to talk about the wreck.
I looked at Spence and nodded a little, curling more against myself while in the chair. "I'm okay. They thought I could have had a concussion for a little while, but I think they ruled that out now...I hit my head on something...but not like him." I looked at Ryan and squeezed his hand softly. "I wish it were me instead of him that was in that bed..."
Tilting my head down, I pressed a kiss onto his hand before sighing softly and resting my head there. Ryan was pretty much my family, especially since my real family would take off and not see me for months at a time, and probably not care about seeing me either. Sure, me and Ryan had almost a full year of no contact while we were going through our first year of college on two different sides of the country, but it never changed the fact that he was who I would turn to for anything and everything. I couldn't lose him, not to a car accident, not to anyone or anything. I swore if anyone ever tried to separate us, I'd kill them. but then there was the accident. I couldn't do anything about that.
I looked back up at the two of them. "He's got the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. He just never uses it. Not really. He should though." I looked up at Ryan and whispered. "Wake up babe...wake up and sing for us?"
"Don't say that Alex, don't. It was an accident. Alex..." Spencer walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it like he had done to me countless times since we entered the hospital. I watched the two of them for a little bit, then stared at Ryan.
I sighed as I reached up and touched his lips. I just wanted to touch him and feel him. I ran my index finger over his top lip, and down his bottom, subconsciously licking mine as I went. Biting my lip, I looked up to see Spencer staring at me. I gave him a weak smile and took a deep breath before looking back at Ryan, "I was thinking while I was trying to sleep, that um, when he wakes up, that maybe we shouldn't all be here, cause that might freak him out or something, like on the ER shows or whatever. So, um, I think I am gonna go take a walk or something..."
Standing up, I almost fell back in my seat. I hated how weak I felt, but I knew I had to be strong. I also knew that I needed to get out and clear my head. I reached over and placed my hand on Alex's as I leaned in and kissed Ryan on those precious lips, "Please call me as soon as he wakes up and the doctors allow visitors, yes?"
I looked up at Brendon and shook my head a little. "Bren..." I held onto his hand as I looked up at him. "You don't have to go. And I'm not sure that you should...at least..." My eyes slid to Spencer before back to Brendon. "Not alone. If anything, I should leave you alone with him...I...I've been here all night..."
Standing up, I made my way over to him and looked into his eyes, reaching up and resting my hand on the back of his neck, my fingers a little in his hair. I pressed my forehead against his for a moment and spoke softly. "Stay with him. Please. His parents will be by soon I think. I...I think I need to find a way to get back to the apartment and get clothes that don't have blood on them, maybe take a shower and get some stuff for him that he'll want when he wakes up, like his iPod."
I turned and looked at Spence. "Would you give me a ride home so I can do that and then, Bren," I looked back at him with a small smile. "You can call if he wakes before we get back? Just to let us know? And we'll be back in like...an hour maybe? Then...then you can be alone with him...without me standing here?"
Chills ran down my body as Alex got close to me and touched me. I missed that intimacy and needed it from someone. I was hoping from Ryan, but for some reason, that suited me just fine. It felt nice. Ryan and I weren't exactly on speaking terms when we left, because I was freaking out over little things. Well, they seemed little to me, but I didn't know. All I really knew wast when I heard about Ryan being in an accident, every negative feeling I held about our relationship vanished.
"Are, are you sure?" I couldn't help it, I placed my hand on Alex's waist, "I, I mean, cause, he, he's your best friend, and, and he was with you last, and I don't want him to be even more confused...but..." I just stood there staring at him, not moving my hand from him as Spencer spoke.
"Yea, Alex, I can take you, I think that would be a good idea, for you to get out and get some fresh air, and then maybe we can come back and he will be awake." I knew he was my best friend and I knew he was trying, but I didn't want to hear it right now. I loved him to death, but I just wanted to be alone. And being alone with Ryan was the closest I could get.
I pulled my head away from Brendon's and glanced at Spence. "Thanks. I'll meet you out in the hall, okay?" I turned back to Brendon and wrapped my arms around him. Pressing in against him, I just held onto him for a few moments before pulling back and looking down at him again.
"I'm sure. You deserve some time alone with him too, even if you weren't on okay terms before. You deserve some time with him too. Not just me. God knows what he will think when he wakes up...he...he may not even know about the accident, I don't know, but you deserve time with him too." I sighed softly and leaned forward, pressing my lips against his forehead before pulling back again.
"Just please, call me if anything changes? I need to get away for a little bit. I won't be gone long, okay?" I touched his cheek softly. "Maybe he'll wake up with you here...he didn't seem to want to wake up with me here."
I nodded as I looked at him. I could feel the tears coming again. I licked my lips as I sniffed my nose, rolling my eyes as I tried to stop the tears from falling, "I will Alex, I will call, as much as it would be amazing, I hope he doesn't while you are gone, but I will call." I gave him a weak smile as I wiped my face.
Pulling back from him, I swallowed and let out a deep breath. As he moved away, I grabbed his wrist, "And thank you Alex, for, for letting me do this. I know how much he means to you and how much you mean to him and what not and..." I shook my head, "I'm just gonna be quiet," I laughed lightly, "But, thank you. And don't take too long, ok?" I smiled again to him before tugging him back to me and hugging him again, "I'm scared Alex..."
This time the tears were coming down a little harder, "I hate it because I am almost afraid to be alone in the same room as him, and I don't know why..." I let out as I hiccuped, "But, but, go, cause Spence is waiting, I'll be ok, just be back soon, ok?"
I pulled back and cupped Brendon's face with one of my hands, looking into his eyes. "I'm scared too Bren. I'm scared because I've never been without him in my life and the idea that there is even the slightest possibility that he won't wake up, or won't wake up my Ryan...it terrifies me. And I swear this feels like my fault!"
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again and wiping away Brendon's tears. "Don't cry...please..." I pulled him in closer against me, holding onto him firmly. I pressed another kiss to his forehead before looking down and into his eyes. I smiled slightly at him. "We'll get through this, we will, somehow we will..."
I pulled Brendon's head up a little and pressed my lips against his, kissing him quickly before pulling back and whispering. "I'll be back soon. I promise. I'll be back soon." Pulling away, I turned and headed for the door to go and find Spence and go home. I needed to get out of that hospital for a little while, but not long, I refused to be gone long.
I stood there and shuddered as I still felt Alex's lips on mine. I knew it was just a friendly comforting kiss, just like he and Ryan shared. I didn't think it was a big deal at all, really, but still, it felt nice to be kissed, even if it was from a friend. I knew Spencer would have never done that for me, but once I had kissed someone so sweet and delicate like Ryan, I wanted to kiss anything and everything to feel that again. And Alex was the one person I had.
Licking my lips again, I wiped my tears before reaching over to Ryan, "Please, Ry, you have to pull through, you do. I couldn't imagine my life without you Ryan. I know we fight and I know it sucks being away from you. But I care way too much about you Ryan, I care too much, you are my everything right now, and that's why I get so upset and I say the things I do. And I fuck up when I do. And I hold things back from you, cause I am afraid of doing the wrong thing and losing you for good...I care too much about you, I do...so, please, please wake up Ry...
"I miss you. I miss your voice and your eyes and your lips and your smile and your laugh...I need you Ryan, I need you to wake up..." I moved to the other side and to the chair Alex was sitting in. I moved it as close as I could to Ryan, and brought his hand to my cheek, "I'm just gonna lay my head here, and when I wake up, we can wake up together, ok? Promise me that?" I kissed his hand before laying my head on it and drifting off to the beep of his monitors.
Spence and I left the hospital and he led me to his car. I was a bit out of it, still trying to hold myself together, I honestly didn't want to lose it until I was in the shower and then it wouldn't matter because it would be the water mingling with my tears and the shower would hide the sound of me crying.
I managed to direct Spencer on how to get to the apartment from the hospital, it wasn't as far as I had originally thought. He parked the car where I told him. The two of us made our way up to the apartment, and I let us in. It was hard to walk into the apartment, Ryan's things were strewn all around the place, and I closed my eyes to steady myself against the wall a few moments to compose myself.
"Thanks for bringing me home Spence...I..." I looked around and just made my way across the apartment to my bedroom. I sat down on my bed to take my shoes off and ended up with my head in my hands after seeing Ryan's iPod and sweatshirt on my bed where he'd left them the previous morning when we'd gotten up.
My eyes got wide as I looked at Alex. I didn't know what to do, so I chose to bite my nails. Looking around the room I noticed a lot of stuff that didn't particularly belong to Alex. I knew that could be bad. But still, I really didn't know what to do. I didn't want to confront him and be pushed away, nor did I want to be pushy. I really couldn't read him at the moment, especially with his face in his hands.
I opted to sit on his bed next to him. Placing my hand on his back, I rubbed lightly, "You are welcome Alex, and if there is anything else I can do...like get you a drink, start the shower for you...pack to save time, you say it, I will do it. Ok? Whatever makes you comfortable here, I will do it..."
Continuing to rub his back, I sighed as I waited for his next move. I knew we needed to get moving to get back in case something happened, but I didn't want to rush Alex at all. And even more so, I didn't quite know how to handle the situation.
Taking a deep breath, I calmed myself down again before lifting my head out of my hands and looking over at Spence. I bit my lip softly and nodded a little, reaching up and running my hands through my hair before taking another deep breath. They always said deep breaths were good for keeping you calm, and calm was something I definitely wanted to be. I didn't want Spence to see me fall apart.
"Thanks...if you could...just...I dunno...find Ry some stuff...like...um, boxers and pajama pants maybe? A couple t-shirts? Oh...and his um...favorite sweatshirt...its black..." I looked around my room. "I don't know where it is right now...its around here somewhere...I think...he was wearing it when you guys were here. And, um...his iPod...which is right here.." I picked it up off of the bed and held it out to Spence before I got up and grabbed a some clean clothes off the pile.
"I...um...I think...I'm just gonna go shower..." I almost ran out of the bedroom to the bathroom because the tears were on their way.
Again. I found myself just standing there. This was an Alex I had never seen before. A weak, scared, tore-up Alex, and I didn't know what to do. I completely understood why he was the way he was, but I wasn't sure what my next move was. I could either do what he said and wait until he came back, or I could go in after him and make sure he was ok. But what if I crossed boundaries?
I seriously wanted to rip my own hair out because I couldn't find the answers in my head. I was so torn.
Fuck it. He needed someone. He needed a friend. His best friend was just in a car accident that he was blaming himself for. What if he was breaking down? What if he was blaming himself even more? What if he was going to do something?
I ran out of the room and over to the bathroom, banging on the door lightly, "Alex, are you ok? Do you...do you need...me..." I said quietly.
I had already rid myself of my shirt and had the water running when I heard Spencer at the door. I wiped at my eyes and looked into the mirror. My face was a little splotchy, but I couldn't help it, I was crying. I took a step toward the door, not sure quite what to say to Spencer. Yes, I needed him, but at the same time, I didn't want him to see.
Closing my eyes, I rested my head against the wall beside the door. "I'm okay...I...yeah...I'm okay...just...I'm just gonna shower Spence..." I bit my lip, wanting nothing more than to curl up in a a ball and cry for hours, but I knew hours would be too long.
Resting my hand against the door, part of me wanted to open it and just curl up against Spencer and let him hold me while I cried, but another part of me was far too scared to show that aspect of myself to him. After all, only my very close friends were the ones who ever saw me like that. I never let anyone but friends like Ryan get that close to me. "I...I'll be out in a bit..."
I nodded to the door and stepped back. I knew better than to go in there if I wasn't invited. So I decided to do the things he asked, and give him space that was until I knew for sure he needed me. Sighing slightly in defeat, I turned and walked to Ryan's room.
It seemed strange, just a few weeks earlier I was there with Alex and Ryan and Bren and Matt. Everything seemed happy and fun. And now... Now our lives were turned upside down from an accident. I knew Ryan would pull through. I had seen worse accidents with better results. But, I didn't want to say it. I knew Alex and Bren had to accept it on their own time.
Once I made it Ryan's room, I began collecting the things that Alex had asked me too. Finding a bag, possibly still half packed from last weekend, I began filling it with more stuff for Ryan. I sifted through his drawers to get the boxers and sleep pants while grabbing some socks. Then I walked over to his computer and picked up a magazine, and the newspaper with our article about the band. I figured he would need something to read. Making sure I had everything, I zipped up the bag and carried it over to the door. Now, all I had to do was wait for Alex in the shower...
I finished undressing and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water fall down on me, looking down and seeing the water turn a rusty color from the blood that was still stuck in my hair and on my body. As soon as I saw the change in water color, I lost it. I braced myself against the wall and just let it go, let my emotions go and just cried. I cried for Ryan, stuck in the hospital bed, unconscious, and with a broken leg. I cried for myself, because I felt it should have been me. I cried for Brendon who may have just lost his first ever boyfriend. I cried for his parents who may have just lost their son.
When I couldn't hold myself up anymore, I collapsed down onto the floor of the tub and curled up, hugging my legs against my body, and cried into my knees. I'd never ever admit to anyone that I spent my shower crying, surrounded by rust colored water, when I should have been showering and getting back to my best friend in case he woke up while I was gone. I should have been there, I should have already been finishing in the shower and out the door making my way back to him. I just couldn't handle it. Not yet.
I heard a noise from the bathroom that could have been him falling, he didn't shout he was ok, so I was thinking it wasn't an accident. What if he was in there bleeding? What if he hurt his head more than it was before? What if he opened a fresh wound and was bleeding to death? What if he fell and...
I didn't even finish the last sentence before I was in the bathroom and pulling back the shower curtain. "Alex are you..." I got out before looking at the stained water and him shivering in the corner. I grabbed the first towel I could reach after I turned off the water, letting it drain and wash away, and never be seen again.
Climbing into the tub, I could care less that my shoes were soaked and my socks were getting wet, I kneeled down next to Alex, throwing a towel around him, somewhat drying him off as I kissed his wet head and whispered 'It's ok's and 'Let it out's to him repeatedly. That was the best I could do until he let me do more.
I leaned into Spence's embrace and just continued to cry. It felt good to be held for once, but still, I was letting him see me cry. I fought with myself, trying to get myself to stop crying, but I just couldn't. Something was stopping me from being able to. That something had to be the thought of Ryan in the hospital. The thought of losing him.
I clung onto Spencer, just letting myself cry until I couldn't cry anymore, until I was was a heaving wreck on the tub floor, shivering and pressing closer to him, trying to get his warmth and comfort. Trying to pull myself together but failing. My hands gripped more onto him as I burrowed my face into the curve of his neck while I tried to get my breath back.
I really didn't care that I was naked, wet, and shivering. I didn't care that Spencer came into the bathroom and saw me like that. I didn't care except for the fact that he saw me crying. Reaching up, I wiped at my face as the tears finally stopped flowing down my cheeks. I took another shaky breath and refused to look up at him while at the same time, refused to pull away from him too. "Thanks..."
All I could do was hold him. Hold him tightly and show him that I cared. Because honestly I did. I had no clue what he was feeling or going through. But I knew if I was him and Ryan was Brendon; I would probably be doing the same thing. And that thought made me break down a little too. But I knew that wasn't important right now.
"Anytime, Alex, anytime," I mumbled as I practically pet the back of his neck. His hair was cold and wet and still hadn't been clean, usually something like that would bother me, but for him, it was ok. He had yet to look at me. I was fine with that, I didn't need him to look at me to know what he felt or that he was not ok. I could tell by his stature. I continued to rub the back of his neck as I too tried to avoid eye contact. I knew we had to get going, and I knew that he wasn't clean. But I was afraid if he stood up that he would fall again.
I cleared my throat, "Um, I'm not going to leave if you don't want me too, but if you want to be alone, I will. Or if you want me to help you bathe, I will do that too, you just tell me, ok?" I stuttered as I tried to warm him with the towel.
I didn't want him to leave. Sure, I didn't want to let him in in the first place, but since he was there, I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want to be left alone. I wasn't ready to go back to the hospital. I needed to see Ryan, true, but I wasn't ready to go back. I couldn't go back with his blood still in my hair. I couldn't go back with his blood on my body. I couldn't go back knowing I hadn't cleaned the accident from me, at least physically. there would be no way to do it mentally and emotionally, at least not in the amount of time I had.
I pressed closer to him, not thinking about the fact that he was fully clothed and I was naked, in a wet tub. I just stayed near him, drinking in the feeling of his body against mine, and just kinda letting it overcome my senses.
"Spence..." I trailed off after his name, tilting my head up and managing to find his lips with mine, just kissing him blindly and thoughtlessly. Just needing the comfort and the closeness.
I kissed back. I grabbed his cold body as I sat down on the wet tub. Fully clothed, I pulled him into me. I wasn't sure what I was doing, but he seemed to have needed the kiss. And I thought a huge part of me needed it too. I continued to kiss back as the towel and my clothes separated us. We were both wet in each other's arms and our mouths connected.
Then it hit me, and I pulled back with a short gasp.
I had gotten so caught up in the moment that I didn't even think about the moment. I wasn't sure what scared me more, the fact that he did that for comfort with me since his best friend wasn't there to comfort him, or the fact that he needed comfort because of his best friend's situation. Either way, I knew that the intentions were not the best right then. But then I had to worry about hurting him more. I didn't want him to think I was rejecting him, because, that was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. I just had to be honest...
"Alex..." I gulped as I looked at him, "I know we all deal with things in a different way. And if the circumstances weren't what they were right now, I wouldn't have pulled away..." I tried to show him with my eyes, "But, I, I don't, I don't want to make this harder than it is..."
I nodded a little and just pressed closer against him, letting my head fall back into the curve of his neck. I didn't want to pull away from him or have him pull away from me, but I did need to finish getting clean. I couldn't let Ryan see me with his blood still in my hair or on my body, I needed to be clean for him.
I slowly pulled away from Spence just a little bit but kept my eyes closed. I took another breath before pulling back a little more. I refused to look up and into his eyes though. "I...I need...I need to get clean...I...I can't let him see me like this...I just....I can't."
I bit into my lower lip and felt myself start to shiver again. "I'm cold Spence...its...its freezing in here."
"I know Babe..." Babe? Where the hell did 'Babe' come from? I was about to slap myself in the head for that one, but then I remembered Alex sitting right there. And it came back to me the last time that Brendon told me that Alex rarely wasn't able to give someone eye contact. And then I remembered the events that night...
That was the night we kissed in the desert. it was just last week, but it seemed like forever ago. And not in a good way. Since that kiss, I wanted to see Alex, and I wanted to be closer to him. And I wanted to kiss him again. If I did that right now, would I be taking advantage of him? I really couldn't see how it would hurt that much if something were to go sour. I would blame it on the situation and the hurt and his guilt, and wouldn't really see him much except for shows and such, and then I could be occupied with music.
"I know it's cold...here..." I reached over and turned the water on, making sure it was on as hot as I could handle without scolding us. At that point, again, I didn't care that I was getting wet, I simply helped him stand up, stepped out of the shower, removed my shoes and my socks, then my shirt, "Let me help you get clean..."
I let Spencer guide me because I really didn't know what to do with myself. I knew I needed to get warm. I knew I needed to get clean. But for some reason, the thought and the plan of actually doing so eluded me. I felt like I was slowly breaking down. Sure, I'd had the emotional breakdown a short time before, leaving me sobbing in the shower, but I felt like it was more, I felt like I was mentally going through it, and physically too. I didn't know how to guide my own body.
It still didn't occur to me to be embarrassed by my nudity in front of Spencer. I never was one to really be embarrassed about being naked. I loved being naked. I'd been naked in front of Ryan countless times, and not just when we were sleeping together. But it should have been different in front of Spencer, at least, that was what my mind was saying, even though it didn't know why.
I looked up, my mind registering the fact that Spence had removed everything but his pants, before moving a little toward the shower, standing under the hot water and sighing, letting my eyes slide closed again. I felt myself waiver a little and reached out to support myself, grabbing onto whatever it was that was around me, ending up grabbing onto Spencer, the feeling of his skin under mine caused my fingers to open and me to look at him.
Finally, we made eye contact. I gave him a sincere smile then I sighed, "Here," I took his hands that were on my arms for support and moved them to my waist so that I could move my arms. Stepping closer to him, we walked under the shower head a little more as I told him to tilt his head back, "That's it," I smiled as he looked back up at me. With his hands still at my side, I reached around him to grab some shampoo.
Getting a good amount in my hand, I closed the bottle, almost regretting it as a smell of Ryan filled the steamy air. Maybe I should have asked him which was his... Shrugging it off, I looked at the task at hand and I began to lather the shampoo in Alex's hair.
I was doing a good job, just keeping my eyes on my own hands and not in line with his eyes...or down further. Then a large mass of suds slipped past to his nose, landing somewhat in his eyelashes too. I apologized quickly as I removed a hand, rinsed it as thoroughly as I could, then ran my thumb along his eye and nose lightly, this time making eye contact. And not being able to look away.
I looked back at Spence as he worked on me, letting my hands slip a little along his waist, moving slightly toward him. I waited a little longer before letting my eyes slide closed again, just feeling his hands in my hair. It felt wonderful, it felt so good, and it soothed me. I felt like I could fall asleep as long as he was taking care of me. Unfortunately though, I had other more important things than myself and sleep. I had a best friend who needed me, or maybe it was that I needed to be there with him.
I pressed in closer against him, seeking the warmth, even though the water was warm on my body. I waited until he was done lathering my hair before tilting my head back. There was a slight sense of urgency that I needed to finish the shower, that I'd wasted too much time in the shower already. I whimpered softly, refusing to let myself cry again, but finding that I was already failing. My hands gripped harder onto his waist to hold myself up while I let the suds wash out.
One thing left and we could get out of the shower, but then came everything else. Getting ready, leaving, going back to the hospital...all of it. First things first though. Getting the blood off of my skin. Cleaning all of my skin, because I felt so dirty just knowing Ryan's blood was on me.
While he had his head back, I quickly grabbed a washcloth, soaking it, and then filling it with body wash. I washed up his arms down his chest, and stomach. Next I bent down and did his legs, again, focusing on my hands, and not the other things. I bit my lips as I stood up. He needed to rinse himself again and then wash the rest of the front side that I wasn't about to touch at this point.
"Alex, here," I handed him the washcloth, "Turn around and finish up, and we can get out of here, ok," I said with a smile as I looked at him, running my hand up and down his arm for reassurance and strength.
Once he turned around, I used my hands to wash down his back lightly, since it had been cleaned basically by the water before. I allowed him to finish as I stepped almost flush with him as he was shivering. I wasn't sure if it was from the cold or from crying, either way, I figured it was the best gesture I could do. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I allowed him to lean into me, "Alex, it's ok to let it out..." I gulped, "I'm here for you to listen, or just to hold..."
Closing my eyes, I dropped the washcloth and just pressed back against Spencer before turning around and wrapping my arms around his neck and holding onto him. I started crying again, but I was fighting it. I couldn't cry. I couldn't. It wasted time, valuable time. I couldn't cry when I was supposed to be getting back to the hospital.
I pulled away and wiped at my face before reaching behind me and turning off the water. I had to get out of that shower. I had to get out of the water. I needed to get warm. I needed to get back to the hospital. But if Ryan or Brendon saw me like I was, I'd do them absolutely no good. I had to be strong and not broken in front of them. That meant I had to get it all out before I got back to the hospital. But I promised Brendon we wouldn't be gone long.
I started shaking my head. It was too much. The responsibility to Ryan. The responsibility to Brendon. My personal needs. My emotional wreck. My mental wreck. I couldn't be strong for Ryan. I couldn't be strong for Brendon. I couldn't be strong for Ryan's parents. I couldn't be strong for myself. All I wanted to do was curl up and be held.
I held him for as long as I could, but then the air had kicked on in the apartment and I was freezing. Still holding him, I opened the curtain and was able to grab two towels while not letting go. Once I got a grip on them, I opened it up and threw the first one around Alex, then the other around my shoulder. Trying to dry him off, I created a little bit of friction on his back to warm him and dry him.
Kissing the side of his head, I tucked the towel between us, and grabbed the other one, drying off his hair, "Let it out Alex," I mumbled as I felt he was as dry as I could get him in the embrace and ran my arms around him to hold him more, "Please, don't hold anything back, please don't, just let it out. I'm not here to judge or tell you what to feel or tell you what to do Alex, I am here to listen because I care, so please..."
Rubbing him even more, I sighed, "We are all packed and ready to go. But, we aren't leaving until you think you are ready too..."
Nodding a little against Spencer, I clung onto him a little more, but I felt like I was going to collapse again. I needed to sit down, or better, lay down. I wanted to curl up in my bed. "Can we...can we get out? I...I'm cold...I...I need to lay down."
Spence helped me out of the shower, wrapping the towel around me more, and together we made our way out of the bathroom, still dripping wet, and into my room. Without much help, I crawled into my bed, throwing the towel off once I was in the bed and pulled the covers over me. Even given the fact that I hadn't slept in my bed and the air was on in the apartment, my bed still felt warm.
I looked up at Spence, biting my lip just slightly before murmuring. "Would you....I mean...would you please..." I couldn't finish what I wanted to say because I wasn't quite sure what it was that I was trying to say. I didn't know the right words. I mean, I didn't feel right asking him to get into bed with me, but that was what I wanted.
I stood there biting my lip as I looked down at him. He was curled up in his bed, and I wasn't sure what to do. I knew I couldn't leave him alone, but I also knew I was freezing with hardly any clothes and those being soaking wet. I walked out of his view and pulled my clothes down, grabbing one of the towels and wrapping it around my waist.
Walking over, somewhat shyly too him, like I hadn't just washed him or anything, I sat on his bed, moving closer to him, but leaning against the wall, "Come 'ere,' I motioned towards my lap, which he followed. As soon as he was there, I ran my fingers through his hair. I played this his strands as I looked up at the ceiling. I hoped I didn't come across as not interested, because, I just wanted to give him space and not make it feel like I was breathing down his neck.
My fingers tangled themselves in his hair as I fought for the right words to say. I wasn't even sure if words needed to be said right then, I just knew that I was clueless.
I curled up against Spencer, trying to press as close against him as I could. I loved how his fingers felt in my hair. I let myself relax as my eyes slid closed again. I moved to slide my arm around his waist a little. I could feel the small bumps on his skin where my fingers rested above the towel.
"Spence...you're cold too..." Opening my eyes, I looked up at him a little. "C'mon...get under the covers until you get warm. You can borrow clothes. I think we have something that'll fit." I moved back again, making room for him under the covers and on the bed. I didn't intend to spend a lot of time just laying there in bed. I didn't want to abandon Ryan or Brendon. But I needed to pull myself together and get myself okay, and I couldn't do that at the hospital.
"Please? Just...just for a little...get warm...then...then we'll go back?"
I nodded as I slid down the bed, getting under the covers. I made sure to keep my towel around my waist as I neared him and basically formed against his body. He was cold to the chest, so I wrapped my arms around him more. It felt weird to have my arms around a guy like this. The night we were alone together, we were clothed, and we didn't cuddle face to face, but more so we spooned...with my arm draped around him. It was really no big deal then, but now, it seemed like more.
I knew he was upset that night too, but nothing like this. This was the extreme. And the fact that he confided in me, that helped at a lot. I told myself that it was because there was no one else around, but this time I was going to let that thought float to the back of my head and forget about it.
Reaching up, I ran my fingers through the back of his hair, resting my wrist on his neck. He managed to pull the blankets up and around us more so that we our chins were basically under them. My eyes shifted up to him. I let out a short gasp as he was looking back at me. Blushing, I swallowed, but held eye contact, "I," I knew I had to say something, so, I started this, not knowing where it would lead, "I remember when I was a kid, and when I was hurt or upset or in pain," I twisted his hair between my index finger and thumb as I pulled his lower half close to me and continued, "And my mom used to kiss the pain away. It's weird how it helped. I don't know if it was psychological or not..but..."
I moved more into Spencer, nodding slightly as I pressed into him. Psychological or not, having him there was definitely helping. My eyes slipped closed and I slid my hand onto his side, letting it slowly slide up his side to rest against his ribcage. It had been a long time since someone had been so close to me like that.
Tilting my head up slightly, my lips came in contact with his. Maybe ti wasn't the best thing to do, but I couldn't help it. I wanted it. I needed to kiss him. I needed to be kissed. I just needed him at that moment. My hand slid around against his back, pressing my palm against his skin and pulling myself closer against him and trying to kiss him a little harder.
I whimpered a little against his lips, trying to kiss him deeper and harder, more passionately. I started putting everything of myself and how I was feeling into kissing him. I let it take over me and before I knew it, I was pressed firmly against him and kissing him with hunger and passion.
I moaned lightly as I kissed back. I never had a kiss like this before. Never. Not even with my girlfriend I was with for over a year, who I lost my virginity too. There was so much behind this kiss. And at this point, I wasn't sure what the motive was of the force, but, sadly and truly, I really didn't care. I just kissed him with everything I had in me...and equaled his enthusiasm,
Keeping my hand in his hair, I fisted it tilting his head for a better advantage as I took his piercing in my mouth. I sucked on it while running my other hand along the small of his back. His skin felt so soft and so smooth, which was a complete contradictory to what I thought another man's skin would feel like. I always thought that only a girl has smooth, touchable skin, but I obviously thought wrong.
Not being able to breath, I finally pulled back for air, taking a huge breath and looking at him. He too was panting as we laid there. I licked my lips and swallowed, looking from his lips to his eyes repeatedly. I didn't know if what I did was wrong, kissing back that was. And I wasn't sure if it helped the situation, or if it made him any better. But I was afraid to ask, not only for the answer, but the consequences of it.
"Spence..." I kept my voice soft, which was good considering how broken and graveled it felt and sounded to me. Licking my lips, I moved a little closer to him and shifting my body up slightly. There were things I wanted to say. Things about his lips and kissing him, but nothing would come out. I wasn't the good one with words, not really. That was always Ryan's job. He was the one who was eloquent and the one who made words dance for him.
I gave up on trying to find the words, instead, I slid my hand up over his chest and to his cheek, cupping his face and pulling his lips to mine again. I pressed in against him, feeling his skin against mine and it drove me crazy in the most delicious way possible. I slid my tongue along his lips, kissing him a little deeper, seeking to really kiss him in every way I knew before suddenly changing my mind and pulling my lips from his, trailing them along his jaw toward his ear before back down, stopping to nibble on his lower lip. Touching and kissing him took over completely and I let myself get lost in it.
Gently, I pressed him onto his back and slid one of my legs between his, resting the rest of my weight on my elbow beside him. I started kissing him with more heat and desire as I pressed myself down against him.
I knew my heart was pounding out of my chest as Alex pushed me back onto the bed. I, sadly enough, dreamt about this situation. And, again, sadly enough, since the first time I saw Alex. Which was after the first time I saw an episode of Queer as Folk when I was a sophomore in high school at my cousin's house. They had cable, and I was sleeping in the TV room...
Either way, I went to high school with Ryan and Alex, and they were a grade ahead of me. I never thought much of guys until after I saw that show. And then, I was in the restroom at school, and I saw Alex kissing some guy, sort of like he was with me, only against a wall. I remembered going home and jerking off to the thought of him that night. Sure, I got over it and forgot about it as I dated a girl, but even so there were nights where I would lay in bed thinking about him. With me.
Wow, that was something I had never really told anyone before, but I was glad I got it off my chest. And now that it was....
I wrapped both of my arms around him and pulled him into me even more. I was definitely glad that the towel was still there, because I didn't know how far I wanted to take this, or he intended on taking it. Right now, all I wanted to worry about was sitting back and enjoying the closeness, and his body and hands and lips on me.
Moaning softly against Spencer's lips, I shifted a little, moving myself more on top of him. I loved the feeling of being pressed against someone's body, pressing down onto them or even them pressing down onto me. The thought of someone pressing down onto me gave me the image of Spencer being on top of me, the mental image alone drove me wild, causing me to kiss him more hungrily and passionately.
My fingers slid down into his hair and I pulled his lips harder up against mine. I was letting myself get carried away and caught up in Spence. Me and Spence. Anything else in the world was gone, to me, in that room, in that bed, it was just me and Spence. Other thoughts didn't enter my mind, not even thoughts of if Spence was okay with what we were doing. I didn't question it, I just went with what I felt and what I wanted.
What I wanted was Spence.
His skin pressed against mine and I wanted more, I wanted to feel more than just hot skin pressed against hot skin. I moved my hand down along his neck, pressing my hips down into Spencer's before slowly moving my hand down over and along his chest, just moving the rest of my body slightly against his, feeling the slight friction from the movement of our bodies against each other.
I groaned a little too loud at the movements. This was the hottest thing I had ever encountered. It could be because it was a guy. It could be because I haven't been touched like this in over three months. It could be because it was someone I had a crush on for over three years. It could be because of the piercings, but really, I knew it was because it was Alex. Alexander Hamel to be exact.
Running my fingers up his back and along his spin, I pulled the blanket up around us again. I wasn't worried about someone walking in on us. Nor was I trying to warm us up, actually I was getting pretty hot at the moment, I just felt like it would close us up even more and make this even more special. If that made any sense at all, which I was sure it didn't.
This time I moaned as I flattened my hands on his back, basically pressing him further into me. To get myself more comfortable, I thrust my hips up lightly. Which...sweet mother of jellybeans...cause the wildest friction I had ever imaged with the towel between us. And, it also forced the most animalistic growl from the bottom of my throat. Blushing slightly, I leaned up and nipped at Alex's neck, just wanting to taste him and bit him. Basically, I wanted my mouth on any of his body parts that would allow me to hid my face at the moment.
Groaning, I pressed back down against him, my hand moving back into his hair and holding his head up and against me. "Mm...Spence..." I furrowed my eyebrows a little and pressed more against him, feeling my jaw go slack slightly as I tried to meet his movements as well as encourage more of them. For someone who had never been with a guy, he was already so good and feeling so good beneath me.
Pulling back, I kept my hips pressed down against his but pushed myself up so that I could look down at him. I was panting, and whatever good the shower had done with getting me clean, I was making myself dirty again by being with Spencer like I was. I was sweating, but it felt so good.
Licking my lips, I looked down at him and shifted myself to put all my weight on one arm, letting my other hand slip down onto his chest, just letting my fingers trail over his skin a little. Sucking one of my liprings into my mouth, I slid my hand down lower on his skin, rubbing his stomach lightly, letting my fingertip slip into his naval before out again. I traced my fingers over his hip bone before down, on the outside of his towel, over his thigh.
Closing my eyes, I let my head fall back into the pillow, exposing my neck and lifting my chest of the bed. I arched into him and his hands and his body. I never knew that it could feel so amazing. Sure, I had seen the porn and watched the shows, but they never actually told me. I thought it was all about lighting and props and sweat. But this, this was amazing.
Looking up at him, I reached for his neck, "Ki...kiss me Lex..." I mumbled not even giving him a chance to answer as I pulled his lips down to mine and nibbled on his ring. Once I got bored of that, I licked his lips asking for permission which he granted. Our tongues touched briefly as I began to run mine over his teeth and every spot I could manage. And then something sooth yet warm rolled across mine. His piercing...
I wasn't sure where it was coming from, but I took it in my mouth, sucking on it like there was no tomorrow. All the while, I ran my foot up and down the back of his leg, just dwelling in the warmth of my only body part that was still cold. Pulling back with more than a slurp, I looked up at him, "Fuck that's hot..." I smirked as I pulled him down to me by his lipring. I wasn't quite sure what had gotten into me, but I had to admit, I was liking it.
I moaned against his mouth and pressed in closer against him, kissing him with as much passion as I had in me. I slid my hand all the way down until it touched skin again, past the edge of the towel. Without asking permission, I started to slide my hand slowly up his thigh, touching his skin and turning my hand so that my fingers slipped under his thigh. I continued moving my hand up until my fingertips came into contact with the curve of his ass, that was where I stopped, not wanting to push too hard and too far too fast.
Pulling back again, I looked down at him and slowly started thrusting my hips down against his. I didn't want him to be scared of being with me. I didn't want him to be scared of what we were doing. I also wanted to see his face and see how much he enjoyed being with me. I wanted to see his reactions to the new experiences and the new feelings.
I pulled his leg up just a little, still keeping my hand in the same spot on his thigh. I rolled my hips into his slowly a few times before dipping my head down and dragging my tongue piercing up and along his neck. I pressed the ball of the piercing into his pulse point before dragging it a little further up, settling in to sucking on the skin just beneath his ear.
My eyes crossed in my head as I let a long low 'ugh' sound. It was all too much and too amazing. I didn't want it to end. I brought one of my hands down around his ribcage, following the bumps until I got almost to his armpit. Keeping my fingers on his back, I moved my thumb across his chest and rubbed against his nipple as I arched myself into him.
I wasn't sure about his hand on my thigh, but I didn't want to scare him and make him push away, so basically, I tried to ignore it. I was doing a great job too as I brought my other hand down to mirror my movements on his left nipple, just toying with them. I turned my head to catch his lips in mine. I enjoyed the feeling of his lips on my body, but I liked it even more when we were mouth to mouth. Kissing him feverishly, I couldn't help but smile to myself. Here was Alex, king of one night stands and he was making out with me.
Wait...
I stopped my movements as those words spilled through my head. 'King of one night stands'. And the conversations and comments he made about being a good fuck...and the breakfast with Pete. What if that was all I was to him? What if he just needed to make out with, or even worse have somewhat of a pity fuck cause his best friend was in a hospital? I couldn't do that to him. Or me. Or us.
I pouted a little when Spence just stopped, and let my body slide down, just resting against him and breathing heavily. I nestled my face into the curve of his neck, keeping my body as close and tight to his as I could get. I moved my hand from his thigh and up to his chest, just resting it against him and sighing softly, trying to get my body to calm down.
After a few moments, I pulled away and looked up at him. "We should go back to the hospital..." I bit my lip slightly before pulling back and climbing out of the bed. I didn't care that I was naked in front of Spencer as I walked across the room and into my closet. "I'm sure I've got something around here that you can wear."
I went through my clothes, pulling on a pair of clean jeans without anything under them. I then pulled on a t-shirt and grabbed a hoodie. I thought for a few moments before grabbing another pair of pants, a clean shirt, and another hoodie for Spence. I wasn't sure what he wanted, but I figured those would be very him. "Here...if you don't like them, or they don't fit, feel free to take anything else, I don't mind." I smiled at him before going and looking in the mirror and running a hand through my hair. It looked horrible, but I wasn't going to spend all the time to make it perfect when we had already taken too long getting back to the hospital.
I just sat there in disbelief for a few moments. So. That was it. Nodding to him as he handed me the clothes, I stood up, readjusting myself beneath the towel and walked out of the room. I had no clue what to think of what just went on in there. Yes, I was the one who stopped, but I didn't think it would turn into us just ignoring the fact that it happened. I leaned against the nearest wall and hit my head on it lightly. Again, perfect timing for Spencer Smith.
Quickly getting dressing in the hallway, I walked back into Alex's room. If he was going to ignore it, then I guessed I would too...I would either wait until we knew for sure that Ryan was ok, or until I had a chance to talk to Brendon alone about it. Either way, I knew it would be eating at my insides.
"Yea, we should head back," I looked down at my outfit, "And these fit ok, thanks," I gave him a weak smile then pointed towards the door, "Yea, so the things that you asked me to pack are over there, so I guess if you are ready and you think you have everything then we should get going back...." I walked over to the living room, picking up my phone. Luckily I had taken it out of my pocket before I went into the bathroom, that would have sucked. Checking it, luckily Brendon hadn't called and we missed it, but just to make sure I asked if Alex had a missed call also.
I followed Spencer and pulled my phone out too, looking down at it and then shaking my head. "Nope, we're all set. We should just get going though. I want to be back there though...I...I just have this feeling..." I bit my lip and shoved my phone back into my pocket before reaching over and grabbing Spencer, pulling him in against me and wrapping my arms around him.
"Thanks, Spence. For...for everything..." I pulled back again and smiled down at him before grabbing the bag from him. "C'mon...hopefully he'll be awake by tonight so that we can come back and sleep here tonight. I don't want you guys to sleep in the car again tonight. I just...god...I want him to wake up, Spence."
I frowned a little and ran my hand through my hair again before tucking it behind my ear. I made it to the door and opened it for him, licking my lips a little and smiling at him as he walked through before me. I locked up the door behind us and then started down the hall with him. I waited a few moments before reaching over and taking his hand, giving it a small squeeze. "Do...do you think hell wake up tonight?"
I squeezed his hand back, "I know he will Alex, he has to..." I gave him a weak smile, "And you are welcome," I nodded as we headed out to the vehicle. Taking the bag from him, I popped the trunk and put it in there before walking around and getting into the driver seat and going. We didn't talk much on the way there. I turned on the cd player, which was our demo, and simply listened to that as I drove.
Luckily once we got to the hospital someone was pulling out as we pulled in, so I parked the car and grabbed the bag out of the back, walking then, around to meet Alex. I placed my hand on his back reassuringly as we walked towards the doors. There was an ambulance out front rushing a pregnant lady in. We stepped out of their way before making it inside and towards the elevator.
Walking by a soda machine, I asked Alex to wait so I could get a drink for Brendon, knowing he probably didn't even chance it leaving the room even if he was thirsty. Once I got a Coke, I nodded towards the hall, and we continued to walk there. The hospital was a lot busier during the day, and it was weird, not one person stopped us and asked us where we were going or who we were here to see. It made me think of what the care here was like.
I stopped outside Ryan's room for a moment and took a breath. I hoped I didn't smell like sweat or anything, because showing up to be there for my unconscious best friend smelling like I just had a serious makeout session with a friend of ours just wasn't a good thing at all. I looked over at Spence and took another deep breath before nodding and walking into the hospital room.
Brendon's head was down on the bed and he looked like he was still asleep. I smiled to myself, glad that he had relaxed enough that he actually fell asleep because I was pretty sure that he hadn't really slept the night before.
My eyes then traveled up the bed to Ryan. It was then that I realized that his hand was in Brendon's hair and his eyes were on me. "RYAN!?"
HEY LOOK, WE CAME BACK!
Title: This is Bullshit (40/?)
Authors:
howido_fics & youbratPairing: Ryden
Rating: R/E
Summary: At the hospital in LA and back at the apartment, with a twist.
Disclaimer: *sigh*
Author’s Note: This is a co-write.
howido_fics is Brendon and Spencer, youbrat is Ryan and Alex. Ryan's pov is blue, Alex's is red, Spencer's is green and Bren's is black. Quick Catch-up:
Ryan and Alex returned to LA after Brendon's graduation party on July 4th weekend. The following weekend Brendon received a phone call from Alex letting him know that there had been a car accident and Ryan was in the hospital, unconscious. Brendon, with Spencer, took off from the Battle of the Bands they were at and drove to LA to see them. They arrived at the hospital and found Ryan still unconscious and Alex falling apart. Ryan's parents still hadn't arrived yet and the group of them were a wreck. Brendon and Spencer went to sleep in Spencer's car for the night while Alex spent the night in Ryan's hospital room.
I stretched and yawned in the front seat of Spencer's car. Gasping once I woke up since it was sunny out. Panicking, I reached for my phone and it was about 9:30 in the morning. How the hell did we sleep so long? I reached back and poked Spencer, "Spence! Wake up! It's late! We have to go see Ryan!"
Spencer groaned then sat up, "Is he awake?" he questioned adjusting his shirt. I looked at my phone again, seeing no missed calls and shook my head, "Ok, well, it should at least be visiting hours, don't you think?" Again I nodded, this time with more energy, "Well, come on then," he slid to the door and jumped out.
Following suit, we were on our way into the hospital. I had the slightest clue how to get to the room, luckily Spencer knew where he was going. I just followed him, tapping my feet though, when he stopped to get three orange juices and a couple bagels, "Come on...he could be awake!"
He just smiled at me, "And then you will be so excited you too will pass out from not eating anything for over 14 hours. Plus, I'm sure Alex would be hungry too."
"Ok, Ok..." I let out as he paid for the food, then walked us to Ryan's room. I smiled once we walked in, just happy to see Ryan, awake or not...
I had woken up around three in the morning to find Ryan's parents in the room. They kept their voices down, but I still woke up. They asked me questions and I did my best to answer them before letting me go back to sleep and heading off to a local hotel. They told me that I needed to go home and take care of myself before returning. I didn't want to leave the hospital, but I didn't say anything about that to them, I just curled back up and went to sleep when they left around four.
Later in the morning, around eight, I'd woken up again. That time, I'd gotten out of the bed and dragged the most comfortable chair in the room over to Ryan's bed. I curled up in the chair, holding onto Ryan's hand, and closed my eyes again. I didn't intend to fall asleep, but I must have a little bit because the next thing that I knew, Brendon and Spence were walking into the room.
I rubbed my eyes a little and gave them a small smile. "Hey..." I sat up and ran my free hand through my hair and moved to the edge of my seat. "He...he's still asleep...the doctors checked in on him early this morning and said things are going okay, nothing to be too worried about, or at least thats what they said. His parents were here around three, they went to a hotel around four but should be back sometime this morning I think." I shrugged a little and looked down at my hand, fingers laced with Ryan's. I still just wanted him to wake up.
I just nodded as I walked over to Ryan giving him a 'good morning' kiss then ran my fingers along his jaw, "His color seems to be better, or maybe that's just the sunlight, but he is looking better...don't you think he is looking better?"
Spencer simply nodded to me as he passed out the food and drinks that he bought, "Here Alex, I got this for you, just something small to put in your stomach. And his parents made it, good, I didn't think they would have been that far behind us, but I guess we did get here kind of quickly, didn't we Bren?"
I ignored his question and looked at Alex, while sighing. I wanted to know what happened, but I wasn't sure if I could take it. I knew I had to hear eventually. Maybe I could just wait until he told Ryan too, but then, I didn't know. And I hated that. So, I gave in, "Alex," I cleared my throat, "How, how did it happen? I mean, the accident," I pointed to Ryan, "This...what happened?" I bit my lip again, realizing that was something I picked up from Ryan. I noticed a lot of things that I started to do, that reminded me of Ryan. And it made me smile.
I thanked Spencer softly and put the food on the little table next to Ryan's bed, still holding onto his hand. I really didn't want to answer Brendon's questions, but, I answered them for Ryan's parents the night before, and Brendon did deserve to hear what happened, I mean, why wouldn't he?
I reached up and rubbed at my forehead a little before looking over at Brendon. "I...I'm not sure...I mean, I am...but...I'm not. Its hard to explain." I shook my head a little and looked over at Spencer for a moment before back to Brendon and then down, closing my eyes. I took a breath before continuing.
"We were heading to the show...Ryan insisted that he drive because he just loved the car that we rented. The show was just outside of the city, it wasn't too far away, it wasn't too long of a drive...I let him drive, it made him happy. We had music on as we were driving, he was just singing along...god, his voice sounded good..." I trailed off for a moment and sighed before continuing. "We were crossing an intersection when it happened. Our light was green, I know it was green. Ry's a good driver, he wouldn't go when it wasn't green..."
Reaching over, I grabbed the orange juice and took a sip, licking my lips after. "I didn't see it coming until it was too late. Ry didn't see it coming either, he couldn't have. It came out of nowhere...and the next thing I knew, I was waking up with a headache and hearing ambulance and police and fire sirens and I was trying to figure out how I fell asleep. I opened my eyes to find the car a mangled wreck and Ryan...Ry looked lifeless...he was just laying there...legs pinned beneath the steering wheel...head listing to the side...blood...god...there was blood...I thought I lost him right then and there..."
I started shaking as he explained what happened. I couldn't look at him as he talked, nor could I look at Ryan, or even Spencer, so I just held my head down and let the tears fall into my lap. I sobbed loudly, trying to keep myself quiet. For some reason it was the first time, not even after seeing him, but Alex telling what happened, it was the first time it really sunk in. His story made true and real.
"Oh god," I heard Spencer say as he rubbed my back, breaking the uncomfortable silence, "Here we were worried about Ryan, fuck Alex, how are you? Are you ok?"
Shit. I really did feel like an ass. Last night I told him to be strong for Ryan, and he was hurt too. I looked up this time, trying to show through my expression that I too was concerned about him. But I knew if I were to open my mouth I would either vomit or sob uncontrollably again, and right then I didn't know which was worse.
"He is a good driver...and he does have a beautiful voice..." I let out, "This one time, I remember this one time when he sang this song...I miss his voice," I sighed at Alex, "I just want to hear it again..." I knew I was just talking to myself, more than anything or anyone. I just didn't want to talk about the wreck.
I looked at Spence and nodded a little, curling more against myself while in the chair. "I'm okay. They thought I could have had a concussion for a little while, but I think they ruled that out now...I hit my head on something...but not like him." I looked at Ryan and squeezed his hand softly. "I wish it were me instead of him that was in that bed..."
Tilting my head down, I pressed a kiss onto his hand before sighing softly and resting my head there. Ryan was pretty much my family, especially since my real family would take off and not see me for months at a time, and probably not care about seeing me either. Sure, me and Ryan had almost a full year of no contact while we were going through our first year of college on two different sides of the country, but it never changed the fact that he was who I would turn to for anything and everything. I couldn't lose him, not to a car accident, not to anyone or anything. I swore if anyone ever tried to separate us, I'd kill them. but then there was the accident. I couldn't do anything about that.
I looked back up at the two of them. "He's got the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. He just never uses it. Not really. He should though." I looked up at Ryan and whispered. "Wake up babe...wake up and sing for us?"
"Don't say that Alex, don't. It was an accident. Alex..." Spencer walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it like he had done to me countless times since we entered the hospital. I watched the two of them for a little bit, then stared at Ryan.
I sighed as I reached up and touched his lips. I just wanted to touch him and feel him. I ran my index finger over his top lip, and down his bottom, subconsciously licking mine as I went. Biting my lip, I looked up to see Spencer staring at me. I gave him a weak smile and took a deep breath before looking back at Ryan, "I was thinking while I was trying to sleep, that um, when he wakes up, that maybe we shouldn't all be here, cause that might freak him out or something, like on the ER shows or whatever. So, um, I think I am gonna go take a walk or something..."
Standing up, I almost fell back in my seat. I hated how weak I felt, but I knew I had to be strong. I also knew that I needed to get out and clear my head. I reached over and placed my hand on Alex's as I leaned in and kissed Ryan on those precious lips, "Please call me as soon as he wakes up and the doctors allow visitors, yes?"
I looked up at Brendon and shook my head a little. "Bren..." I held onto his hand as I looked up at him. "You don't have to go. And I'm not sure that you should...at least..." My eyes slid to Spencer before back to Brendon. "Not alone. If anything, I should leave you alone with him...I...I've been here all night..."
Standing up, I made my way over to him and looked into his eyes, reaching up and resting my hand on the back of his neck, my fingers a little in his hair. I pressed my forehead against his for a moment and spoke softly. "Stay with him. Please. His parents will be by soon I think. I...I think I need to find a way to get back to the apartment and get clothes that don't have blood on them, maybe take a shower and get some stuff for him that he'll want when he wakes up, like his iPod."
I turned and looked at Spence. "Would you give me a ride home so I can do that and then, Bren," I looked back at him with a small smile. "You can call if he wakes before we get back? Just to let us know? And we'll be back in like...an hour maybe? Then...then you can be alone with him...without me standing here?"
Chills ran down my body as Alex got close to me and touched me. I missed that intimacy and needed it from someone. I was hoping from Ryan, but for some reason, that suited me just fine. It felt nice. Ryan and I weren't exactly on speaking terms when we left, because I was freaking out over little things. Well, they seemed little to me, but I didn't know. All I really knew wast when I heard about Ryan being in an accident, every negative feeling I held about our relationship vanished.
"Are, are you sure?" I couldn't help it, I placed my hand on Alex's waist, "I, I mean, cause, he, he's your best friend, and, and he was with you last, and I don't want him to be even more confused...but..." I just stood there staring at him, not moving my hand from him as Spencer spoke.
"Yea, Alex, I can take you, I think that would be a good idea, for you to get out and get some fresh air, and then maybe we can come back and he will be awake." I knew he was my best friend and I knew he was trying, but I didn't want to hear it right now. I loved him to death, but I just wanted to be alone. And being alone with Ryan was the closest I could get.
I pulled my head away from Brendon's and glanced at Spence. "Thanks. I'll meet you out in the hall, okay?" I turned back to Brendon and wrapped my arms around him. Pressing in against him, I just held onto him for a few moments before pulling back and looking down at him again.
"I'm sure. You deserve some time alone with him too, even if you weren't on okay terms before. You deserve some time with him too. Not just me. God knows what he will think when he wakes up...he...he may not even know about the accident, I don't know, but you deserve time with him too." I sighed softly and leaned forward, pressing my lips against his forehead before pulling back again.
"Just please, call me if anything changes? I need to get away for a little bit. I won't be gone long, okay?" I touched his cheek softly. "Maybe he'll wake up with you here...he didn't seem to want to wake up with me here."
I nodded as I looked at him. I could feel the tears coming again. I licked my lips as I sniffed my nose, rolling my eyes as I tried to stop the tears from falling, "I will Alex, I will call, as much as it would be amazing, I hope he doesn't while you are gone, but I will call." I gave him a weak smile as I wiped my face.
Pulling back from him, I swallowed and let out a deep breath. As he moved away, I grabbed his wrist, "And thank you Alex, for, for letting me do this. I know how much he means to you and how much you mean to him and what not and..." I shook my head, "I'm just gonna be quiet," I laughed lightly, "But, thank you. And don't take too long, ok?" I smiled again to him before tugging him back to me and hugging him again, "I'm scared Alex..."
This time the tears were coming down a little harder, "I hate it because I am almost afraid to be alone in the same room as him, and I don't know why..." I let out as I hiccuped, "But, but, go, cause Spence is waiting, I'll be ok, just be back soon, ok?"
I pulled back and cupped Brendon's face with one of my hands, looking into his eyes. "I'm scared too Bren. I'm scared because I've never been without him in my life and the idea that there is even the slightest possibility that he won't wake up, or won't wake up my Ryan...it terrifies me. And I swear this feels like my fault!"
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again and wiping away Brendon's tears. "Don't cry...please..." I pulled him in closer against me, holding onto him firmly. I pressed another kiss to his forehead before looking down and into his eyes. I smiled slightly at him. "We'll get through this, we will, somehow we will..."
I pulled Brendon's head up a little and pressed my lips against his, kissing him quickly before pulling back and whispering. "I'll be back soon. I promise. I'll be back soon." Pulling away, I turned and headed for the door to go and find Spence and go home. I needed to get out of that hospital for a little while, but not long, I refused to be gone long.
I stood there and shuddered as I still felt Alex's lips on mine. I knew it was just a friendly comforting kiss, just like he and Ryan shared. I didn't think it was a big deal at all, really, but still, it felt nice to be kissed, even if it was from a friend. I knew Spencer would have never done that for me, but once I had kissed someone so sweet and delicate like Ryan, I wanted to kiss anything and everything to feel that again. And Alex was the one person I had.
Licking my lips again, I wiped my tears before reaching over to Ryan, "Please, Ry, you have to pull through, you do. I couldn't imagine my life without you Ryan. I know we fight and I know it sucks being away from you. But I care way too much about you Ryan, I care too much, you are my everything right now, and that's why I get so upset and I say the things I do. And I fuck up when I do. And I hold things back from you, cause I am afraid of doing the wrong thing and losing you for good...I care too much about you, I do...so, please, please wake up Ry...
"I miss you. I miss your voice and your eyes and your lips and your smile and your laugh...I need you Ryan, I need you to wake up..." I moved to the other side and to the chair Alex was sitting in. I moved it as close as I could to Ryan, and brought his hand to my cheek, "I'm just gonna lay my head here, and when I wake up, we can wake up together, ok? Promise me that?" I kissed his hand before laying my head on it and drifting off to the beep of his monitors.
Spence and I left the hospital and he led me to his car. I was a bit out of it, still trying to hold myself together, I honestly didn't want to lose it until I was in the shower and then it wouldn't matter because it would be the water mingling with my tears and the shower would hide the sound of me crying.
I managed to direct Spencer on how to get to the apartment from the hospital, it wasn't as far as I had originally thought. He parked the car where I told him. The two of us made our way up to the apartment, and I let us in. It was hard to walk into the apartment, Ryan's things were strewn all around the place, and I closed my eyes to steady myself against the wall a few moments to compose myself.
"Thanks for bringing me home Spence...I..." I looked around and just made my way across the apartment to my bedroom. I sat down on my bed to take my shoes off and ended up with my head in my hands after seeing Ryan's iPod and sweatshirt on my bed where he'd left them the previous morning when we'd gotten up.
My eyes got wide as I looked at Alex. I didn't know what to do, so I chose to bite my nails. Looking around the room I noticed a lot of stuff that didn't particularly belong to Alex. I knew that could be bad. But still, I really didn't know what to do. I didn't want to confront him and be pushed away, nor did I want to be pushy. I really couldn't read him at the moment, especially with his face in his hands.
I opted to sit on his bed next to him. Placing my hand on his back, I rubbed lightly, "You are welcome Alex, and if there is anything else I can do...like get you a drink, start the shower for you...pack to save time, you say it, I will do it. Ok? Whatever makes you comfortable here, I will do it..."
Continuing to rub his back, I sighed as I waited for his next move. I knew we needed to get moving to get back in case something happened, but I didn't want to rush Alex at all. And even more so, I didn't quite know how to handle the situation.
Taking a deep breath, I calmed myself down again before lifting my head out of my hands and looking over at Spence. I bit my lip softly and nodded a little, reaching up and running my hands through my hair before taking another deep breath. They always said deep breaths were good for keeping you calm, and calm was something I definitely wanted to be. I didn't want Spence to see me fall apart.
"Thanks...if you could...just...I dunno...find Ry some stuff...like...um, boxers and pajama pants maybe? A couple t-shirts? Oh...and his um...favorite sweatshirt...its black..." I looked around my room. "I don't know where it is right now...its around here somewhere...I think...he was wearing it when you guys were here. And, um...his iPod...which is right here.." I picked it up off of the bed and held it out to Spence before I got up and grabbed a some clean clothes off the pile.
"I...um...I think...I'm just gonna go shower..." I almost ran out of the bedroom to the bathroom because the tears were on their way.
Again. I found myself just standing there. This was an Alex I had never seen before. A weak, scared, tore-up Alex, and I didn't know what to do. I completely understood why he was the way he was, but I wasn't sure what my next move was. I could either do what he said and wait until he came back, or I could go in after him and make sure he was ok. But what if I crossed boundaries?
I seriously wanted to rip my own hair out because I couldn't find the answers in my head. I was so torn.
Fuck it. He needed someone. He needed a friend. His best friend was just in a car accident that he was blaming himself for. What if he was breaking down? What if he was blaming himself even more? What if he was going to do something?
I ran out of the room and over to the bathroom, banging on the door lightly, "Alex, are you ok? Do you...do you need...me..." I said quietly.
I had already rid myself of my shirt and had the water running when I heard Spencer at the door. I wiped at my eyes and looked into the mirror. My face was a little splotchy, but I couldn't help it, I was crying. I took a step toward the door, not sure quite what to say to Spencer. Yes, I needed him, but at the same time, I didn't want him to see.
Closing my eyes, I rested my head against the wall beside the door. "I'm okay...I...yeah...I'm okay...just...I'm just gonna shower Spence..." I bit my lip, wanting nothing more than to curl up in a a ball and cry for hours, but I knew hours would be too long.
Resting my hand against the door, part of me wanted to open it and just curl up against Spencer and let him hold me while I cried, but another part of me was far too scared to show that aspect of myself to him. After all, only my very close friends were the ones who ever saw me like that. I never let anyone but friends like Ryan get that close to me. "I...I'll be out in a bit..."
I nodded to the door and stepped back. I knew better than to go in there if I wasn't invited. So I decided to do the things he asked, and give him space that was until I knew for sure he needed me. Sighing slightly in defeat, I turned and walked to Ryan's room.
It seemed strange, just a few weeks earlier I was there with Alex and Ryan and Bren and Matt. Everything seemed happy and fun. And now... Now our lives were turned upside down from an accident. I knew Ryan would pull through. I had seen worse accidents with better results. But, I didn't want to say it. I knew Alex and Bren had to accept it on their own time.
Once I made it Ryan's room, I began collecting the things that Alex had asked me too. Finding a bag, possibly still half packed from last weekend, I began filling it with more stuff for Ryan. I sifted through his drawers to get the boxers and sleep pants while grabbing some socks. Then I walked over to his computer and picked up a magazine, and the newspaper with our article about the band. I figured he would need something to read. Making sure I had everything, I zipped up the bag and carried it over to the door. Now, all I had to do was wait for Alex in the shower...
I finished undressing and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water fall down on me, looking down and seeing the water turn a rusty color from the blood that was still stuck in my hair and on my body. As soon as I saw the change in water color, I lost it. I braced myself against the wall and just let it go, let my emotions go and just cried. I cried for Ryan, stuck in the hospital bed, unconscious, and with a broken leg. I cried for myself, because I felt it should have been me. I cried for Brendon who may have just lost his first ever boyfriend. I cried for his parents who may have just lost their son.
When I couldn't hold myself up anymore, I collapsed down onto the floor of the tub and curled up, hugging my legs against my body, and cried into my knees. I'd never ever admit to anyone that I spent my shower crying, surrounded by rust colored water, when I should have been showering and getting back to my best friend in case he woke up while I was gone. I should have been there, I should have already been finishing in the shower and out the door making my way back to him. I just couldn't handle it. Not yet.
I heard a noise from the bathroom that could have been him falling, he didn't shout he was ok, so I was thinking it wasn't an accident. What if he was in there bleeding? What if he hurt his head more than it was before? What if he opened a fresh wound and was bleeding to death? What if he fell and...
I didn't even finish the last sentence before I was in the bathroom and pulling back the shower curtain. "Alex are you..." I got out before looking at the stained water and him shivering in the corner. I grabbed the first towel I could reach after I turned off the water, letting it drain and wash away, and never be seen again.
Climbing into the tub, I could care less that my shoes were soaked and my socks were getting wet, I kneeled down next to Alex, throwing a towel around him, somewhat drying him off as I kissed his wet head and whispered 'It's ok's and 'Let it out's to him repeatedly. That was the best I could do until he let me do more.
I leaned into Spence's embrace and just continued to cry. It felt good to be held for once, but still, I was letting him see me cry. I fought with myself, trying to get myself to stop crying, but I just couldn't. Something was stopping me from being able to. That something had to be the thought of Ryan in the hospital. The thought of losing him.
I clung onto Spencer, just letting myself cry until I couldn't cry anymore, until I was was a heaving wreck on the tub floor, shivering and pressing closer to him, trying to get his warmth and comfort. Trying to pull myself together but failing. My hands gripped more onto him as I burrowed my face into the curve of his neck while I tried to get my breath back.
I really didn't care that I was naked, wet, and shivering. I didn't care that Spencer came into the bathroom and saw me like that. I didn't care except for the fact that he saw me crying. Reaching up, I wiped at my face as the tears finally stopped flowing down my cheeks. I took another shaky breath and refused to look up at him while at the same time, refused to pull away from him too. "Thanks..."
All I could do was hold him. Hold him tightly and show him that I cared. Because honestly I did. I had no clue what he was feeling or going through. But I knew if I was him and Ryan was Brendon; I would probably be doing the same thing. And that thought made me break down a little too. But I knew that wasn't important right now.
"Anytime, Alex, anytime," I mumbled as I practically pet the back of his neck. His hair was cold and wet and still hadn't been clean, usually something like that would bother me, but for him, it was ok. He had yet to look at me. I was fine with that, I didn't need him to look at me to know what he felt or that he was not ok. I could tell by his stature. I continued to rub the back of his neck as I too tried to avoid eye contact. I knew we had to get going, and I knew that he wasn't clean. But I was afraid if he stood up that he would fall again.
I cleared my throat, "Um, I'm not going to leave if you don't want me too, but if you want to be alone, I will. Or if you want me to help you bathe, I will do that too, you just tell me, ok?" I stuttered as I tried to warm him with the towel.
I didn't want him to leave. Sure, I didn't want to let him in in the first place, but since he was there, I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want to be left alone. I wasn't ready to go back to the hospital. I needed to see Ryan, true, but I wasn't ready to go back. I couldn't go back with his blood still in my hair. I couldn't go back with his blood on my body. I couldn't go back knowing I hadn't cleaned the accident from me, at least physically. there would be no way to do it mentally and emotionally, at least not in the amount of time I had.
I pressed closer to him, not thinking about the fact that he was fully clothed and I was naked, in a wet tub. I just stayed near him, drinking in the feeling of his body against mine, and just kinda letting it overcome my senses.
"Spence..." I trailed off after his name, tilting my head up and managing to find his lips with mine, just kissing him blindly and thoughtlessly. Just needing the comfort and the closeness.
I kissed back. I grabbed his cold body as I sat down on the wet tub. Fully clothed, I pulled him into me. I wasn't sure what I was doing, but he seemed to have needed the kiss. And I thought a huge part of me needed it too. I continued to kiss back as the towel and my clothes separated us. We were both wet in each other's arms and our mouths connected.
Then it hit me, and I pulled back with a short gasp.
I had gotten so caught up in the moment that I didn't even think about the moment. I wasn't sure what scared me more, the fact that he did that for comfort with me since his best friend wasn't there to comfort him, or the fact that he needed comfort because of his best friend's situation. Either way, I knew that the intentions were not the best right then. But then I had to worry about hurting him more. I didn't want him to think I was rejecting him, because, that was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. I just had to be honest...
"Alex..." I gulped as I looked at him, "I know we all deal with things in a different way. And if the circumstances weren't what they were right now, I wouldn't have pulled away..." I tried to show him with my eyes, "But, I, I don't, I don't want to make this harder than it is..."
I nodded a little and just pressed closer against him, letting my head fall back into the curve of his neck. I didn't want to pull away from him or have him pull away from me, but I did need to finish getting clean. I couldn't let Ryan see me with his blood still in my hair or on my body, I needed to be clean for him.
I slowly pulled away from Spence just a little bit but kept my eyes closed. I took another breath before pulling back a little more. I refused to look up and into his eyes though. "I...I need...I need to get clean...I...I can't let him see me like this...I just....I can't."
I bit into my lower lip and felt myself start to shiver again. "I'm cold Spence...its...its freezing in here."
"I know Babe..." Babe? Where the hell did 'Babe' come from? I was about to slap myself in the head for that one, but then I remembered Alex sitting right there. And it came back to me the last time that Brendon told me that Alex rarely wasn't able to give someone eye contact. And then I remembered the events that night...
That was the night we kissed in the desert. it was just last week, but it seemed like forever ago. And not in a good way. Since that kiss, I wanted to see Alex, and I wanted to be closer to him. And I wanted to kiss him again. If I did that right now, would I be taking advantage of him? I really couldn't see how it would hurt that much if something were to go sour. I would blame it on the situation and the hurt and his guilt, and wouldn't really see him much except for shows and such, and then I could be occupied with music.
"I know it's cold...here..." I reached over and turned the water on, making sure it was on as hot as I could handle without scolding us. At that point, again, I didn't care that I was getting wet, I simply helped him stand up, stepped out of the shower, removed my shoes and my socks, then my shirt, "Let me help you get clean..."
I let Spencer guide me because I really didn't know what to do with myself. I knew I needed to get warm. I knew I needed to get clean. But for some reason, the thought and the plan of actually doing so eluded me. I felt like I was slowly breaking down. Sure, I'd had the emotional breakdown a short time before, leaving me sobbing in the shower, but I felt like it was more, I felt like I was mentally going through it, and physically too. I didn't know how to guide my own body.
It still didn't occur to me to be embarrassed by my nudity in front of Spencer. I never was one to really be embarrassed about being naked. I loved being naked. I'd been naked in front of Ryan countless times, and not just when we were sleeping together. But it should have been different in front of Spencer, at least, that was what my mind was saying, even though it didn't know why.
I looked up, my mind registering the fact that Spence had removed everything but his pants, before moving a little toward the shower, standing under the hot water and sighing, letting my eyes slide closed again. I felt myself waiver a little and reached out to support myself, grabbing onto whatever it was that was around me, ending up grabbing onto Spencer, the feeling of his skin under mine caused my fingers to open and me to look at him.
Finally, we made eye contact. I gave him a sincere smile then I sighed, "Here," I took his hands that were on my arms for support and moved them to my waist so that I could move my arms. Stepping closer to him, we walked under the shower head a little more as I told him to tilt his head back, "That's it," I smiled as he looked back up at me. With his hands still at my side, I reached around him to grab some shampoo.
Getting a good amount in my hand, I closed the bottle, almost regretting it as a smell of Ryan filled the steamy air. Maybe I should have asked him which was his... Shrugging it off, I looked at the task at hand and I began to lather the shampoo in Alex's hair.
I was doing a good job, just keeping my eyes on my own hands and not in line with his eyes...or down further. Then a large mass of suds slipped past to his nose, landing somewhat in his eyelashes too. I apologized quickly as I removed a hand, rinsed it as thoroughly as I could, then ran my thumb along his eye and nose lightly, this time making eye contact. And not being able to look away.
I looked back at Spence as he worked on me, letting my hands slip a little along his waist, moving slightly toward him. I waited a little longer before letting my eyes slide closed again, just feeling his hands in my hair. It felt wonderful, it felt so good, and it soothed me. I felt like I could fall asleep as long as he was taking care of me. Unfortunately though, I had other more important things than myself and sleep. I had a best friend who needed me, or maybe it was that I needed to be there with him.
I pressed in closer against him, seeking the warmth, even though the water was warm on my body. I waited until he was done lathering my hair before tilting my head back. There was a slight sense of urgency that I needed to finish the shower, that I'd wasted too much time in the shower already. I whimpered softly, refusing to let myself cry again, but finding that I was already failing. My hands gripped harder onto his waist to hold myself up while I let the suds wash out.
One thing left and we could get out of the shower, but then came everything else. Getting ready, leaving, going back to the hospital...all of it. First things first though. Getting the blood off of my skin. Cleaning all of my skin, because I felt so dirty just knowing Ryan's blood was on me.
While he had his head back, I quickly grabbed a washcloth, soaking it, and then filling it with body wash. I washed up his arms down his chest, and stomach. Next I bent down and did his legs, again, focusing on my hands, and not the other things. I bit my lips as I stood up. He needed to rinse himself again and then wash the rest of the front side that I wasn't about to touch at this point.
"Alex, here," I handed him the washcloth, "Turn around and finish up, and we can get out of here, ok," I said with a smile as I looked at him, running my hand up and down his arm for reassurance and strength.
Once he turned around, I used my hands to wash down his back lightly, since it had been cleaned basically by the water before. I allowed him to finish as I stepped almost flush with him as he was shivering. I wasn't sure if it was from the cold or from crying, either way, I figured it was the best gesture I could do. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I allowed him to lean into me, "Alex, it's ok to let it out..." I gulped, "I'm here for you to listen, or just to hold..."
Closing my eyes, I dropped the washcloth and just pressed back against Spencer before turning around and wrapping my arms around his neck and holding onto him. I started crying again, but I was fighting it. I couldn't cry. I couldn't. It wasted time, valuable time. I couldn't cry when I was supposed to be getting back to the hospital.
I pulled away and wiped at my face before reaching behind me and turning off the water. I had to get out of that shower. I had to get out of the water. I needed to get warm. I needed to get back to the hospital. But if Ryan or Brendon saw me like I was, I'd do them absolutely no good. I had to be strong and not broken in front of them. That meant I had to get it all out before I got back to the hospital. But I promised Brendon we wouldn't be gone long.
I started shaking my head. It was too much. The responsibility to Ryan. The responsibility to Brendon. My personal needs. My emotional wreck. My mental wreck. I couldn't be strong for Ryan. I couldn't be strong for Brendon. I couldn't be strong for Ryan's parents. I couldn't be strong for myself. All I wanted to do was curl up and be held.
I held him for as long as I could, but then the air had kicked on in the apartment and I was freezing. Still holding him, I opened the curtain and was able to grab two towels while not letting go. Once I got a grip on them, I opened it up and threw the first one around Alex, then the other around my shoulder. Trying to dry him off, I created a little bit of friction on his back to warm him and dry him.
Kissing the side of his head, I tucked the towel between us, and grabbed the other one, drying off his hair, "Let it out Alex," I mumbled as I felt he was as dry as I could get him in the embrace and ran my arms around him to hold him more, "Please, don't hold anything back, please don't, just let it out. I'm not here to judge or tell you what to feel or tell you what to do Alex, I am here to listen because I care, so please..."
Rubbing him even more, I sighed, "We are all packed and ready to go. But, we aren't leaving until you think you are ready too..."
Nodding a little against Spencer, I clung onto him a little more, but I felt like I was going to collapse again. I needed to sit down, or better, lay down. I wanted to curl up in my bed. "Can we...can we get out? I...I'm cold...I...I need to lay down."
Spence helped me out of the shower, wrapping the towel around me more, and together we made our way out of the bathroom, still dripping wet, and into my room. Without much help, I crawled into my bed, throwing the towel off once I was in the bed and pulled the covers over me. Even given the fact that I hadn't slept in my bed and the air was on in the apartment, my bed still felt warm.
I looked up at Spence, biting my lip just slightly before murmuring. "Would you....I mean...would you please..." I couldn't finish what I wanted to say because I wasn't quite sure what it was that I was trying to say. I didn't know the right words. I mean, I didn't feel right asking him to get into bed with me, but that was what I wanted.
I stood there biting my lip as I looked down at him. He was curled up in his bed, and I wasn't sure what to do. I knew I couldn't leave him alone, but I also knew I was freezing with hardly any clothes and those being soaking wet. I walked out of his view and pulled my clothes down, grabbing one of the towels and wrapping it around my waist.
Walking over, somewhat shyly too him, like I hadn't just washed him or anything, I sat on his bed, moving closer to him, but leaning against the wall, "Come 'ere,' I motioned towards my lap, which he followed. As soon as he was there, I ran my fingers through his hair. I played this his strands as I looked up at the ceiling. I hoped I didn't come across as not interested, because, I just wanted to give him space and not make it feel like I was breathing down his neck.
My fingers tangled themselves in his hair as I fought for the right words to say. I wasn't even sure if words needed to be said right then, I just knew that I was clueless.
I curled up against Spencer, trying to press as close against him as I could. I loved how his fingers felt in my hair. I let myself relax as my eyes slid closed again. I moved to slide my arm around his waist a little. I could feel the small bumps on his skin where my fingers rested above the towel.
"Spence...you're cold too..." Opening my eyes, I looked up at him a little. "C'mon...get under the covers until you get warm. You can borrow clothes. I think we have something that'll fit." I moved back again, making room for him under the covers and on the bed. I didn't intend to spend a lot of time just laying there in bed. I didn't want to abandon Ryan or Brendon. But I needed to pull myself together and get myself okay, and I couldn't do that at the hospital.
"Please? Just...just for a little...get warm...then...then we'll go back?"
I nodded as I slid down the bed, getting under the covers. I made sure to keep my towel around my waist as I neared him and basically formed against his body. He was cold to the chest, so I wrapped my arms around him more. It felt weird to have my arms around a guy like this. The night we were alone together, we were clothed, and we didn't cuddle face to face, but more so we spooned...with my arm draped around him. It was really no big deal then, but now, it seemed like more.
I knew he was upset that night too, but nothing like this. This was the extreme. And the fact that he confided in me, that helped at a lot. I told myself that it was because there was no one else around, but this time I was going to let that thought float to the back of my head and forget about it.
Reaching up, I ran my fingers through the back of his hair, resting my wrist on his neck. He managed to pull the blankets up and around us more so that we our chins were basically under them. My eyes shifted up to him. I let out a short gasp as he was looking back at me. Blushing, I swallowed, but held eye contact, "I," I knew I had to say something, so, I started this, not knowing where it would lead, "I remember when I was a kid, and when I was hurt or upset or in pain," I twisted his hair between my index finger and thumb as I pulled his lower half close to me and continued, "And my mom used to kiss the pain away. It's weird how it helped. I don't know if it was psychological or not..but..."
I moved more into Spencer, nodding slightly as I pressed into him. Psychological or not, having him there was definitely helping. My eyes slipped closed and I slid my hand onto his side, letting it slowly slide up his side to rest against his ribcage. It had been a long time since someone had been so close to me like that.
Tilting my head up slightly, my lips came in contact with his. Maybe ti wasn't the best thing to do, but I couldn't help it. I wanted it. I needed to kiss him. I needed to be kissed. I just needed him at that moment. My hand slid around against his back, pressing my palm against his skin and pulling myself closer against him and trying to kiss him a little harder.
I whimpered a little against his lips, trying to kiss him deeper and harder, more passionately. I started putting everything of myself and how I was feeling into kissing him. I let it take over me and before I knew it, I was pressed firmly against him and kissing him with hunger and passion.
I moaned lightly as I kissed back. I never had a kiss like this before. Never. Not even with my girlfriend I was with for over a year, who I lost my virginity too. There was so much behind this kiss. And at this point, I wasn't sure what the motive was of the force, but, sadly and truly, I really didn't care. I just kissed him with everything I had in me...and equaled his enthusiasm,
Keeping my hand in his hair, I fisted it tilting his head for a better advantage as I took his piercing in my mouth. I sucked on it while running my other hand along the small of his back. His skin felt so soft and so smooth, which was a complete contradictory to what I thought another man's skin would feel like. I always thought that only a girl has smooth, touchable skin, but I obviously thought wrong.
Not being able to breath, I finally pulled back for air, taking a huge breath and looking at him. He too was panting as we laid there. I licked my lips and swallowed, looking from his lips to his eyes repeatedly. I didn't know if what I did was wrong, kissing back that was. And I wasn't sure if it helped the situation, or if it made him any better. But I was afraid to ask, not only for the answer, but the consequences of it.
"Spence..." I kept my voice soft, which was good considering how broken and graveled it felt and sounded to me. Licking my lips, I moved a little closer to him and shifting my body up slightly. There were things I wanted to say. Things about his lips and kissing him, but nothing would come out. I wasn't the good one with words, not really. That was always Ryan's job. He was the one who was eloquent and the one who made words dance for him.
I gave up on trying to find the words, instead, I slid my hand up over his chest and to his cheek, cupping his face and pulling his lips to mine again. I pressed in against him, feeling his skin against mine and it drove me crazy in the most delicious way possible. I slid my tongue along his lips, kissing him a little deeper, seeking to really kiss him in every way I knew before suddenly changing my mind and pulling my lips from his, trailing them along his jaw toward his ear before back down, stopping to nibble on his lower lip. Touching and kissing him took over completely and I let myself get lost in it.
Gently, I pressed him onto his back and slid one of my legs between his, resting the rest of my weight on my elbow beside him. I started kissing him with more heat and desire as I pressed myself down against him.
I knew my heart was pounding out of my chest as Alex pushed me back onto the bed. I, sadly enough, dreamt about this situation. And, again, sadly enough, since the first time I saw Alex. Which was after the first time I saw an episode of Queer as Folk when I was a sophomore in high school at my cousin's house. They had cable, and I was sleeping in the TV room...
Either way, I went to high school with Ryan and Alex, and they were a grade ahead of me. I never thought much of guys until after I saw that show. And then, I was in the restroom at school, and I saw Alex kissing some guy, sort of like he was with me, only against a wall. I remembered going home and jerking off to the thought of him that night. Sure, I got over it and forgot about it as I dated a girl, but even so there were nights where I would lay in bed thinking about him. With me.
Wow, that was something I had never really told anyone before, but I was glad I got it off my chest. And now that it was....
I wrapped both of my arms around him and pulled him into me even more. I was definitely glad that the towel was still there, because I didn't know how far I wanted to take this, or he intended on taking it. Right now, all I wanted to worry about was sitting back and enjoying the closeness, and his body and hands and lips on me.
Moaning softly against Spencer's lips, I shifted a little, moving myself more on top of him. I loved the feeling of being pressed against someone's body, pressing down onto them or even them pressing down onto me. The thought of someone pressing down onto me gave me the image of Spencer being on top of me, the mental image alone drove me wild, causing me to kiss him more hungrily and passionately.
My fingers slid down into his hair and I pulled his lips harder up against mine. I was letting myself get carried away and caught up in Spence. Me and Spence. Anything else in the world was gone, to me, in that room, in that bed, it was just me and Spence. Other thoughts didn't enter my mind, not even thoughts of if Spence was okay with what we were doing. I didn't question it, I just went with what I felt and what I wanted.
What I wanted was Spence.
His skin pressed against mine and I wanted more, I wanted to feel more than just hot skin pressed against hot skin. I moved my hand down along his neck, pressing my hips down into Spencer's before slowly moving my hand down over and along his chest, just moving the rest of my body slightly against his, feeling the slight friction from the movement of our bodies against each other.
I groaned a little too loud at the movements. This was the hottest thing I had ever encountered. It could be because it was a guy. It could be because I haven't been touched like this in over three months. It could be because it was someone I had a crush on for over three years. It could be because of the piercings, but really, I knew it was because it was Alex. Alexander Hamel to be exact.
Running my fingers up his back and along his spin, I pulled the blanket up around us again. I wasn't worried about someone walking in on us. Nor was I trying to warm us up, actually I was getting pretty hot at the moment, I just felt like it would close us up even more and make this even more special. If that made any sense at all, which I was sure it didn't.
This time I moaned as I flattened my hands on his back, basically pressing him further into me. To get myself more comfortable, I thrust my hips up lightly. Which...sweet mother of jellybeans...cause the wildest friction I had ever imaged with the towel between us. And, it also forced the most animalistic growl from the bottom of my throat. Blushing slightly, I leaned up and nipped at Alex's neck, just wanting to taste him and bit him. Basically, I wanted my mouth on any of his body parts that would allow me to hid my face at the moment.
Groaning, I pressed back down against him, my hand moving back into his hair and holding his head up and against me. "Mm...Spence..." I furrowed my eyebrows a little and pressed more against him, feeling my jaw go slack slightly as I tried to meet his movements as well as encourage more of them. For someone who had never been with a guy, he was already so good and feeling so good beneath me.
Pulling back, I kept my hips pressed down against his but pushed myself up so that I could look down at him. I was panting, and whatever good the shower had done with getting me clean, I was making myself dirty again by being with Spencer like I was. I was sweating, but it felt so good.
Licking my lips, I looked down at him and shifted myself to put all my weight on one arm, letting my other hand slip down onto his chest, just letting my fingers trail over his skin a little. Sucking one of my liprings into my mouth, I slid my hand down lower on his skin, rubbing his stomach lightly, letting my fingertip slip into his naval before out again. I traced my fingers over his hip bone before down, on the outside of his towel, over his thigh.
Closing my eyes, I let my head fall back into the pillow, exposing my neck and lifting my chest of the bed. I arched into him and his hands and his body. I never knew that it could feel so amazing. Sure, I had seen the porn and watched the shows, but they never actually told me. I thought it was all about lighting and props and sweat. But this, this was amazing.
Looking up at him, I reached for his neck, "Ki...kiss me Lex..." I mumbled not even giving him a chance to answer as I pulled his lips down to mine and nibbled on his ring. Once I got bored of that, I licked his lips asking for permission which he granted. Our tongues touched briefly as I began to run mine over his teeth and every spot I could manage. And then something sooth yet warm rolled across mine. His piercing...
I wasn't sure where it was coming from, but I took it in my mouth, sucking on it like there was no tomorrow. All the while, I ran my foot up and down the back of his leg, just dwelling in the warmth of my only body part that was still cold. Pulling back with more than a slurp, I looked up at him, "Fuck that's hot..." I smirked as I pulled him down to me by his lipring. I wasn't quite sure what had gotten into me, but I had to admit, I was liking it.
I moaned against his mouth and pressed in closer against him, kissing him with as much passion as I had in me. I slid my hand all the way down until it touched skin again, past the edge of the towel. Without asking permission, I started to slide my hand slowly up his thigh, touching his skin and turning my hand so that my fingers slipped under his thigh. I continued moving my hand up until my fingertips came into contact with the curve of his ass, that was where I stopped, not wanting to push too hard and too far too fast.
Pulling back again, I looked down at him and slowly started thrusting my hips down against his. I didn't want him to be scared of being with me. I didn't want him to be scared of what we were doing. I also wanted to see his face and see how much he enjoyed being with me. I wanted to see his reactions to the new experiences and the new feelings.
I pulled his leg up just a little, still keeping my hand in the same spot on his thigh. I rolled my hips into his slowly a few times before dipping my head down and dragging my tongue piercing up and along his neck. I pressed the ball of the piercing into his pulse point before dragging it a little further up, settling in to sucking on the skin just beneath his ear.
My eyes crossed in my head as I let a long low 'ugh' sound. It was all too much and too amazing. I didn't want it to end. I brought one of my hands down around his ribcage, following the bumps until I got almost to his armpit. Keeping my fingers on his back, I moved my thumb across his chest and rubbed against his nipple as I arched myself into him.
I wasn't sure about his hand on my thigh, but I didn't want to scare him and make him push away, so basically, I tried to ignore it. I was doing a great job too as I brought my other hand down to mirror my movements on his left nipple, just toying with them. I turned my head to catch his lips in mine. I enjoyed the feeling of his lips on my body, but I liked it even more when we were mouth to mouth. Kissing him feverishly, I couldn't help but smile to myself. Here was Alex, king of one night stands and he was making out with me.
Wait...
I stopped my movements as those words spilled through my head. 'King of one night stands'. And the conversations and comments he made about being a good fuck...and the breakfast with Pete. What if that was all I was to him? What if he just needed to make out with, or even worse have somewhat of a pity fuck cause his best friend was in a hospital? I couldn't do that to him. Or me. Or us.
I pouted a little when Spence just stopped, and let my body slide down, just resting against him and breathing heavily. I nestled my face into the curve of his neck, keeping my body as close and tight to his as I could get. I moved my hand from his thigh and up to his chest, just resting it against him and sighing softly, trying to get my body to calm down.
After a few moments, I pulled away and looked up at him. "We should go back to the hospital..." I bit my lip slightly before pulling back and climbing out of the bed. I didn't care that I was naked in front of Spencer as I walked across the room and into my closet. "I'm sure I've got something around here that you can wear."
I went through my clothes, pulling on a pair of clean jeans without anything under them. I then pulled on a t-shirt and grabbed a hoodie. I thought for a few moments before grabbing another pair of pants, a clean shirt, and another hoodie for Spence. I wasn't sure what he wanted, but I figured those would be very him. "Here...if you don't like them, or they don't fit, feel free to take anything else, I don't mind." I smiled at him before going and looking in the mirror and running a hand through my hair. It looked horrible, but I wasn't going to spend all the time to make it perfect when we had already taken too long getting back to the hospital.
I just sat there in disbelief for a few moments. So. That was it. Nodding to him as he handed me the clothes, I stood up, readjusting myself beneath the towel and walked out of the room. I had no clue what to think of what just went on in there. Yes, I was the one who stopped, but I didn't think it would turn into us just ignoring the fact that it happened. I leaned against the nearest wall and hit my head on it lightly. Again, perfect timing for Spencer Smith.
Quickly getting dressing in the hallway, I walked back into Alex's room. If he was going to ignore it, then I guessed I would too...I would either wait until we knew for sure that Ryan was ok, or until I had a chance to talk to Brendon alone about it. Either way, I knew it would be eating at my insides.
"Yea, we should head back," I looked down at my outfit, "And these fit ok, thanks," I gave him a weak smile then pointed towards the door, "Yea, so the things that you asked me to pack are over there, so I guess if you are ready and you think you have everything then we should get going back...." I walked over to the living room, picking up my phone. Luckily I had taken it out of my pocket before I went into the bathroom, that would have sucked. Checking it, luckily Brendon hadn't called and we missed it, but just to make sure I asked if Alex had a missed call also.
I followed Spencer and pulled my phone out too, looking down at it and then shaking my head. "Nope, we're all set. We should just get going though. I want to be back there though...I...I just have this feeling..." I bit my lip and shoved my phone back into my pocket before reaching over and grabbing Spencer, pulling him in against me and wrapping my arms around him.
"Thanks, Spence. For...for everything..." I pulled back again and smiled down at him before grabbing the bag from him. "C'mon...hopefully he'll be awake by tonight so that we can come back and sleep here tonight. I don't want you guys to sleep in the car again tonight. I just...god...I want him to wake up, Spence."
I frowned a little and ran my hand through my hair again before tucking it behind my ear. I made it to the door and opened it for him, licking my lips a little and smiling at him as he walked through before me. I locked up the door behind us and then started down the hall with him. I waited a few moments before reaching over and taking his hand, giving it a small squeeze. "Do...do you think hell wake up tonight?"
I squeezed his hand back, "I know he will Alex, he has to..." I gave him a weak smile, "And you are welcome," I nodded as we headed out to the vehicle. Taking the bag from him, I popped the trunk and put it in there before walking around and getting into the driver seat and going. We didn't talk much on the way there. I turned on the cd player, which was our demo, and simply listened to that as I drove.
Luckily once we got to the hospital someone was pulling out as we pulled in, so I parked the car and grabbed the bag out of the back, walking then, around to meet Alex. I placed my hand on his back reassuringly as we walked towards the doors. There was an ambulance out front rushing a pregnant lady in. We stepped out of their way before making it inside and towards the elevator.
Walking by a soda machine, I asked Alex to wait so I could get a drink for Brendon, knowing he probably didn't even chance it leaving the room even if he was thirsty. Once I got a Coke, I nodded towards the hall, and we continued to walk there. The hospital was a lot busier during the day, and it was weird, not one person stopped us and asked us where we were going or who we were here to see. It made me think of what the care here was like.
I stopped outside Ryan's room for a moment and took a breath. I hoped I didn't smell like sweat or anything, because showing up to be there for my unconscious best friend smelling like I just had a serious makeout session with a friend of ours just wasn't a good thing at all. I looked over at Spence and took another deep breath before nodding and walking into the hospital room.
Brendon's head was down on the bed and he looked like he was still asleep. I smiled to myself, glad that he had relaxed enough that he actually fell asleep because I was pretty sure that he hadn't really slept the night before.
My eyes then traveled up the bed to Ryan. It was then that I realized that his hand was in Brendon's hair and his eyes were on me. "RYAN!?"
