This is Bullshit (52/60)
Title: This is Bullshit (52/60)
Authors: howido_fics & youbrat
Pairing: Ryden
Rating: R/E
Summary: Return to Vegas, Ry and Bren see each other
Disclaimer: *sigh*
Author’s Note: This is a co-write. howido_fics is Brendon and Spencer, youbrat is Ryan and Alex. Ryan's pov is blue, Alex's is red, Spencer's is green and Bren's is black.

We've decided to set an ending to this story. Our plan is to make it to chapter 60 and then end it. There is a slight chance that the last chapter number could change, but at this point we intend to end it at 60. We are not setting an ending to this because we don't like the story or anything of the sort. We still love this story and it is still very much our love child and we hope you enjoy what we have still in store for you.





This week, again, has been complete hell. First of all, last week Ryan was gone. Then we had the fight, and Spence came back all happy and excited telling me just what a great time they had. So not only was I not talking to my boyfriend, but I had to hear about how fucking happy he was and excited to see LA and Alex. What about me? Nothing, that's what.

Basically, I was hearing about my boyfriend through my best friend. If we weren't so fucking stubborn, one of us would have called the other by now. But I decided, if I wanted this to work, I would step up and be a man and do something about it.

Ryan invited Spencer with him to look at apartments. And just for the record, he didn't even call me. Right, because I was his boyfriend, and I realized that Spencer might be staying at the place as much as me, but that didn't mean I didn't want to help out too. Seems that he and Alex hit things off while he was in LA. And honestly, I was completely happy for him. Who wouldn't be happy for their best friend who found someone they liked?

Spencer just texted me to say that they were at the last apartment. The one right up the street from the office I worked at. I decided that I was going to be a part of this apartment hunt. And, actually, it really wasn't about the apartment hunt. It was about making things right with me and Ryan again, right now, that was all that mattered to me. Forget the apartment, I wanted my boyfriend back. I smiled as I heard car doors slamming outside the place. Peeking through the blinds, I tucked my hand behind my back and walked to the door, waiting for it to open.

Spencer walked beside me as I slowly made my way to the front door. I was ready to be done looking at apartments for the day, although truth be told we looked at condos as well as apartments. We were at our final place, it was the sixth of the day, but it was the final. I'd been taking pictures to send off to Alex like I'd promised him last time he was home even though it'd taken me a few extra weeks than I'd said it would. Actually looking at the different places made it seem more real and it got me more excited to think about the fact that in a short time Alex would be moving home and moving in with me. We would be roommates. We would be living together. It was perfect.

My parents had promised to help us get a place, they were pretty well off and could more than afford it. I was thankful to them for being so willing to help us out, and I just wished Alex could have been there with me to look. It was okay though, Spence had been really good company and a really good help. Besides, I did need someone to drive me since I still couldn't drive, let alone want to.

I'd been home from LA for a while but I'd still yet to talk to Brendon. It wasn't that I hated him or never intended to, it was the fact that I didn't know what to say to him or how to do it. I'd pretty much forgotten what our fight was about, well, not forgotten but it was harder to remember than I'd have thought it would have been. I was avoiding it, and avoiding him, but after how wonderful the week had been in LA with Alex, Spencer, Fall Out Boy and all the guys, I didn't want to ruin it by getting into another fight with Brendon. I wanted to remember the good of the previous week, not the bad.

"Okay, last one then food...or a nap...or...something." I smiled and nodded at the woman who was waiting for us. She said hello and opened the door, letting herself and Spence in first and leaving me to walk in last since I was the slowest. "Okay...so this is a two or three..." I trailed off as I saw Brendon. My eyes flicked from him to Spencer and I wasn't sure what to say or how to react. It had been about two weeks since I'd seen my boyfriend, a major fight in the middle of all that, and suddenly there he was.

I kept my eyes on Ryan, even as they moved around, possibly avoiding my eye contact. I cleared my throat as Spencer asked the lady to show him the kitchen; I could tell he was just trying to help out. Spencer had been telling me to talk to Ryan ever since our fight, but I told him he didn't understand. Which, he did, because I told him what happened, and he understood my side very clearly. He said it was petty, and we loved each other, and we needed to get the fuck over it.

And Spencer was right.

Once I heard Spencer raving about the cabinet space, I took the opportunity to open my mouth to say something, and then lick my lips. Pulling my hand from behind my back, I held out a fresh bouquet of lilies and handed them out to Ryan, "I got these for you, as um, well, because I've been an idiot Ryan."

Well, that wasn't exactly what I had planned to say, and I really didn't think I was being an idiot. But this relationship needed some serious sacrifices to be made, and I guessed it was my turn. I swallowed and looked up at him, "This, this," I gestured between him and I, "I can't live without this, and I don't want to Ryan, so I quit my job at the smoothie place." I nodded to him, "I got a work study on campus in the library and that would suffice for income, so I won't be working with Matt anymore," I shrugged, looking to the ground, "So, you won't have to worry about me talking to him about our sex life, I mean," I caught his eyes again, "If we are still even in the terms to have a sex life again..."

Spencer walked in at that moment, coughing awkwardly, "Oh, I did you say this could be three bedroom? Can I see them?" and walked away without even looking at us.

I looked at the lilies and then up at Brendon before back to the flowers. I really wasn't sure how to react. I wasn't expecting Brendon to be there. I knew that Spence had betrayed our daily plans and told him, then again, it wasn't really a surprise since Spence was Bren's best friend. Spence and I got pretty close while we were in LA and since I'd been home I'd talked to him about as much as I'd talked to Alex. So we were close, but he was still Bren's best friend.

"You quit your job?" My eyes moved up to his face that was the first thing that I could think of to say. It was surprising, he liked that job and I wasn't against it. I had problems with him and Matt because it didn't seem appropriate for them to discuss our sex life. At least not to me it didn't seem that way, but I'd never had a problem with the job. I bit my lip and moved so I was inside the apartment and closed the door, the summer heat was getting too much, and I wanted to feel the air conditioning. Luckily there was a couch still in the apartment, and I made my way to it and sat down.

I was beyond exhausted and now emotions were kicking in.

I put my head in my hands and scrubbed my fingers over my face, trying to take this in and not flip out on the fact that Spence had told Brendon what we were doing and where we were going or that Brendon was there. I took a deep breath and looked back up at Brendon. "Is Matt gone? Or are you staying friends?

I moved to sit on the couch next to him as Spencer walked back in with the lady, who looked at her watch, "The bedrooms are right next to each other and the walls are paper thin, so I think that is a negative, cause, well, yea..." he looked over to the lady, not wanting to mention how loud Ryan gets, "She has another showing of a one bedroom, and um, I have to make a phone call, so, yea, when you are done, um, getting rest, I'll be outside, and we can drop the key off at the front desk when we are done," he smiled between us, and followed her out as quickly as he could without tripping.

Looking back at Ryan, I held back a laugh and shrugged, "Yea, I quit my job, but it's ok. My parents were all for it once I found out I got a work study. I'll be working 20 hours a week, and well, the smoothie place is like 45 minutes from campus, so it would be a waste of my time really." I gulped, "Um, and about Matt, he was really upset that I was quitting, We've worked together for two years, so I guess it came as a shock." I was playing with my flip-flops, trying not to look at Ryan.

But, I finally did, "Matt and I are still friends. I didn't tell him about our fight or anything, so I can't just let him drop out of my life like that. He is a good role model to me," I sighed, "I mean, even though we talk about things that you don't think are appropriate, I was able to talk to him about my sexuality long before I told any of my friends I was gay. He is a good guy. I mean, sex isn't all we talk about, really, well, actually," I tapped my finger to my lips, "Our sex life isn't all we talk about."

"So you'll tell him everything else, our sex life and everything, but you won't tell him when we have a fight when it has something to do with him? And you'll talk about our sex life with him when if anyone it should be with Spence." I shook my head a little and sighed, this was going to turn into another fight if this kept up and I wasn't up to it. I still had to look at the apartment, take pictures and then go home and send them to Alex.

"You say he's a good guy, and maybe he is, but what I've seen? I've seen you calling him first when something goes wrong with us. I've seen him rushing to your side from Vegas to LA the moment he thought something was wrong. I've seen you confiding in him over everything instead of your best friend. I've heard you talk about him a lot. And you wonder why I have a problem with him? He's a guy from work. He's your boss. Gay or not, good role model or not, it's not smart or ethical to discuss your personal life with someone who is your boss. it's not smart or ethical to call your boss after you have a bad sexual experience before you call your best friend."

I shook my head and glanced around the apartment. "I can't believe Spence hasn't said something seeing as how he's supposed to be your best friend and you never turn to him when something comes up or happens. If I were him I'd be hurt, upset and offended and I'd have a big problem with it. Me and Alex grew up together and have been best friends forever. We've been in a complicated relationship, we've had sex numerous times...me confiding in him and going to him first makes sense, its right. You going to your boss?" I shook my head and sighed. "I'd never have had a problem if it had been Spencer."

I shook my head as I looked at him. He had got to be kidding me. I wanted nothing more to get up and walk away. That was the most...fuck I didn't even know what it was. It was just. My head was swimming with a million things I wanted to say right now. I came here to fucking patch things up with him, and just because I wasn't going to lose a friend, then, what the fuck? I didn't tell him he had to drop Pete like it was nothing. Wait...Pete...

I tilted my head to him, "So it's ok for you to go to Pete, an almost stranger at the time and tell him about our fight? It's ok for you to go to him? Let him get you drunk and let him kiss you? But I can't confide in someone I have known for over two years and would never in his entire life even think of taking advantage of me when I am having a hard time?" I just stared at him. I was on the verge of tears, and at this point I didn't know if it was anger or disappointment.

Standing up, I looked down at him, "I," I tried to begin, but again was at a loss for words, "Sometimes, as you can see, and as you did yourself, it's easier to talk to someone who only knows one side of you. Someone who is a stranger to many aspects of your life. It's easier to go to someone who is not a mutual friend to talk to about things. Not everyone has a perfect relationship like you and Alex's. Not everyone's best friends are the first person they would tell things to. Sometimes they are the last. Ok, so maybe that is just for me and Spence, but we are obviously not as close as 'Rylex'" I made quotation gestures, "And we will never be." I sighed, shoving my hands in my pockets, "Spencer is my best friend, but not because we have been through a lot together or because we grew up together or because we tell each other everything. Our relationship is different than you and Alex's and will never be remotely similar. So please, don't judge me on that. If you want me to stop going to Matt for things, if that will make this work, then fine, I will. Fuck Ryan, I came here to fix things, but shit, I don't even know if there is anything to fix." Biting my lip, I stared at the ceiling, willing my tears to stay inside.

"Right...okay..." I pushed myself up and turned away, looking around the apartment. I didn't know what to do with myself. Being told by your boyfriend that there's nothing to fix from a fight pretty much says 'we're over' and what do you do with that? Where do you go from that? I didn't have a clue but I knew I couldn't figure out what to do or say. I wanted Spence to come back in and take me home, or even better, I wanted Alex to randomly show up because Brendon being there and me having to deal with him was Spencer's fault.

I reached up and rubbed at my face. I wasn't steady on my feet, I just wasn't steady but what was I supposed to do? It was the couch where Brendon was or standing and walking to somewhere else in the apartment and the uncertainty of there being any furniture there to collapse on. I just couldn't handle being in the same room with Brendon with him telling me it was over. I shook my head. "I didn't go to Pete. He saw me, I was working, or trying to, he knew something was wrong and got me to talk about it. I didn't go to him. And I wasn't drunk when Pete kissed me. And he fucking apologized for that! He knew he was wrong the moment he did it and he's fucking sorry but you won't let that go!"

Shaking my head I took another step away from him, or was it the first step? I wasn't doing well, and I certainly wasn't dealing well with the fact that Brendon was telling me we were over. "But, you know if that's what you really feel Brendon...then maybe you should just...go." I rubbed at my eyes, refusing to cry in front of him over this because I didn't see how that would do any good. We were both stubborn and neither would really back down from what we believed in or felt so strongly about. And this seemed to definitely be one of those things. I squeezed my eyes closed, I didn't really want all of this to end this way but I wasn't sure how to stop it now. My voice was a whisper as I collapsed back down onto the couch. "If you're going to break up with me, just do it now and leave."

I stood there frozen in my spot. I wasn't leaving. As easy as it would have been to just walk away, I wasn't going to do it. "That would be easy, wouldn't it?" my words came out harsher than I intended. "For me to just walk away. To just give up because I have a friend you don't like and you have Pete. Is that what you want Ryan? For me to leave?"

Walking over to the window, I looked at the door, it was about three feet away, but seemed so much further. It was like in the movies when the camera effects make it smaller and smaller. I hated that feeling. It made me sick to my stomach. Turning back to him, I stared at the top of his head, "Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? I have never had trust issues before. I am not giving up my friendship with Matt, and if this is what it comes down to, a friendship..." I ran my hand through my hair, "Ryan, I would never tell you that you couldn't see Pete. I may not like the guy, and I may not trust him, but, you know, I trust you enough that nothing would happen, I would think that you love me enough to not try anything with him. And Matt..." I sighed. "I don't know Ryan, I don't know. It's like we have the same fight over and over again, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to fix this. I just don't know."

Closing my eyes, I moved to an empty wall and slid down it, my face instantly fell to my knees. I was left to decision of whether I could handle this fight again. It was inevitable to come up over and over. And the question was, was my friendship with Matt worth the fights? I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I wasn't sure which way to go. Matt was my fucking friend. Whether I met him at work, at the movies, or through a tutor hotline, he was my friend. I fucking hated this, because really, no matter what I said, Ryan would take it, twist it around and make Matt look like the most horrible person in the world because we talked about our sex life, and make Pete look like a god.

I bit my lip as I listened to him. I didn't have any answers for him either and it sucked. The whole situation sucked and I wasn't sure how to go around it either. I wasn't trying to say Matt couldn't be a friend. I wasn't really, but I guess his view of Pete was my view of Matt, or at least similar. Matt may not want to be with Brendon or try anything with him, but that didn't mean I had to trust him or even like him and that didn't mean I had to like that Brendon turned to him first for everything. I couldn't get past the fact that he turned to Matt first, he turned to his boss first the moment he thought something was off with us. He didn't talk to me, he didn't talk to Spence, and he went to his boss. It made me wonder if we were doing right in this relationship.

Taking a breath I looked over at Brendon. "Maybe...maybe being in this relationship wasn't the best idea for your first real relationship. Maybe...maybe what you needed or wanted was more...fun...fun, sex...minimal attachment or emotion. Maybe this...maybe all this...maybe it was too much too soon..." I squeezed my eyes closed and rubbed at them a little. It wasn't what I wanted but did that really matter all that much? He and I were off, majorly off and maybe it was the truth, maybe he didn't need a serious relationship and maybe it was better to stop it before it went too far. I didn't want it though, not like this.

I sighed softly and looked over at him again. "I love you Brendon, but this...all of this...it's a little much...and it's probably too much for your first real relationship...I can't put a stop to this, our feelings, both of our feelings are just...so strong...so over the top...I don't know what to do Bren. I really have no clue what to do. You can't stand Pete in my life. I have issues with Matt. Pete is going to stay in my life, it would be foolish as far as my career to alienate myself from him, not to mention that I don't want to. As for you and Matt...god, I don't know. You called him first, he wanted you before he knew I was your boyfriend...why didn't you ever date him? It almost seems like it would have been the logical choice. I just...I don't know..."

"GOD!" I yelled loudly, getting up to my feet, "Why can't we get the fuck over ourselves? Why is this is damn difficult? The books and stories and movies about love, they are nothing like this. This, this is," I shook my head, yet again and began to pace the room, "Why is it so fucking easy to just blame the other person? Why can't we fess up to our own mistakes?" I stared at him.

'Ryan," I stopped moving and turned to him, "I can't take that back. I can't take back that at all, and honestly, if I could, I would have erased everything to the Cute concert. But I can't, we can't. Our entire relationship has been one struggle after another. And no, I did not sign up for that, but does that mean I would rather be with someone who I had fun with? No Ryan, I want to be with you, I love you. And no one else. If I wanted to be with someone only for fun, I would have."

I moved over to him, kneeling in front of him, "Why do we have this same conversation over again, but with different names? I would never ever date Matt, just like you would never date Alex. It is that plain and simple. The thing with you is that you had a friend who you could talk to. I didn't talk about my sexually life with Spencer just like he didn't tell me about him and his girlfriend. And when I met Matt, I never would have wanted to date him. He was someone I looked up to. I never wanted to be like him, nor did I ever want to be with him, but he was someone I could talk to, because, despite how outgoing, and well, out he is, he went through the same things I went through once. And Spence, now with Spence liking Alex, now he has me to go to..." I reached out and placed my hands on either of his hips, "Matt is a," I paused, "In some ways, he is a mentor. He just, I didn't have an Alex when I was going through things. I had no one. I had no gay friends, and I needed someone to turn to. And he was there. There is nothing sexual between us. In a way, he is the perverted older brother that I never had."

"Books, stories, movies, they aren't real, they'll never be real. They are the fantasy of an easy life, even the struggle to get to love is a fairly easy struggle and they always get past it. It isn't real life. It isn't the way things really are..." I sighed and rubbed my eyes again.

"I don't like him Bren. I've dealt with him, but I don't like him. I don't like that he's your confidant. I just...it bothers me. Maybe it bothers me more than it should, but it bothers me. it's like...he's so much fun for you and what you want...and yet...you're with me. So you're choosing...drama with me over fun with someone else. It used to be that I was fun too, it used to be that we had fun, and right now...instead of fun we have drama, we have fights, we have this..."

I looked down at him and frowned. "You hate that I go to LA, love LA, want to be in LA. You hate that I have the bands, the experiences, the internship in LA. You hate that Pete is in LA and he wants me there too. You hate all of that for me. And me..." I sighed and shook my head again, closing my eyes. "I hate that you go to Matt for everything. I hate that he's your confidant and who you turn to at the slightest twitch of something wrong. I hate that you hate what I love and want for my life. Where do we find something to fix that or...or bridge that gap of hate?" I rubbed my eyes, refusing to let the tears come down.

"What?"

I stared at him, completely dumbfounded, "Do you seriously think that I hate all that? Really Ryan? Is that what you think? Just because I am happy you are home and I want to be with you and I want to spend time with you. And I love being with you and spending time with you, that in no way means that I hate all that." I stood up, slapping my forehead, "Is that really what I come across as? Someone who hates anything that is not my way? Some selfish, insensitive prick who doesn't want anyone around him to be happy? Jesus Ry, you really think that?"

Pacing the floor once more, I couldn't even think straight. He thought I...

"Ryan, no," I licked my lips, staring into his eyes, "I don't hate that. I don't. Geez, Ry." I watched his tears fall as I finally let mine go too, "I would never hate something that made you so happy. Yes, I will admit, I am jealous. But not of you or the situation. I am not jealous because you are happy or because you are doing a good job or because you get to hang out with bands. Ry," I walked over to him, "I am jealous because I don't get to be with you. I am jealous of the time that everyone else gets to spend with my boyfriend. I am jealous because other people get to see your beautiful face. And hear you laugh and see you smile. I am jealous because all I get are late night phone calls and emails. They can eat with you, talk to you, ride in the car with you," by now I was on my knees in front of him, "Hold you, smell you, feel you. They can, they can..."

"I just simply wish it were me sometimes, that's all. I mean, put yourself in my shoes for once Ryan. I am your boyfriend, forgive me if wanting to be near you and wanting to make you smile and wanting to hold you got in the way. I fucking miss you when you are gone. There is this empty hole where you are that can't be filled, and sometimes," the tears were streaming faster down my face, "Sometimes I feel like you love LA so much, that you don't even miss or need me."

"Being in LA is different from being here, Brendon. I get caught up in the life. I get busy, sometimes it's hard to think of anything beyond what is happening then and there. Sometimes...sometimes you get so caught up in what is happening you...you forget for the moment what is and what isn't there. It doesn't mean that you aren't missed or needed, it means that it gets busy and frantic and a million things happening once..." I wiped at my tears, pushing them off my face as I looked at him.

"You have me all the time, Bren. I'm here now, full time because I can't be in LA. I want to be there, yeah, I want to be in LA. I want the lifestyle I got to start there. I want the interaction in the studio and at the label. I want the mingling with bands and making connections. I want all that I had in LA. That doesn't mean I didn't want you there when I was there and that doesn't mean I don't want to share it with you. But Bren, that is my life, that is what I want to do and that is where, ultimately, I want to be. I want to be in the middle of it all, I want to be where I can rub elbows with the famous, where I can learn the most and be of the most use. I want to follow my dreams and follow them to completion. ThatÕs LA for me. I want to go back next summer and each summer thereafter until I graduate and then I want to move there and get a job. That doesn't mean I don't want you or won't miss you or need you...it doesn't mean I want away from your band and from the guys, but that has been my dream, and Alex's dream, since we were children."

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down a little bit. "I'm going to follow my dreams. You're going to follow yours. It might mean that our dreams don't follow the same path. Maybe they will. But...Pete is a person in my life. I'm not going to turn away from him because he made the mistake of hitting on me and making advances. If you want to call Matt a mentor, then call Pete that too, only instead of something as personal as sexuality and your sex life, he's a mentor to the music business." I leaned back against the couch and rubbed my hands over my face. "You can't be jealous of all of them Bren. And sometimes...sometimes you have to let go a little."

"You don't think I don't know that?" I swallowed, choking back tears, "Ryan, I know we both have different roads and paths and all that stuff, shit, I knew that when I meet you. You kept talking about things that were happening in LA with Spencer and me. But you know what? I still stuck by you. And I am still here. Yes, this is my first relationship as you said earlier, and that doesn't make this any easier or harder. It just makes this, this."

"I am not trying to stop you from doing what you want and what you have planned and what you are dreaming. This fight has nothing to do with that. It is, yes, a good point, but that is not it. Hell, I'm not even sure what the fight is over anymore or if we have even resolved that part of it. Now, I feel like we are in so deep that I don't know which way to go. But the same goes for our relationship. I don't want to give up on this, or you, just because we both don't trust one of the other's friend. It's ridiculous Ry, for us to be fighting over that. I mean, fighting like this, talking about breaking up and all that stuff."

"I would never tell you to not follow your dreams, just like you would never stop me from mine. I don't expect you to make sacrifices for me Ryan. We are both to young for that." I wiped my face, trying to blink the tears away from my contacts, "Tell me if I am wrong, but Pete and Matt, there are just...I don't even know. Neither of us are going to give them up, so why even try? I will give a little if you will give a little Ryan. Shit, with me not working at the smoothie place anymore. And me doing 18 hours at college and 20 hours a week at the library and band practice and, well, you...I won't even see Matt. And just like you with Pete, you will be busy with classes here, and getting situated in the new place and all of that. So why don't we just not, well, we can't really not worry about that right now, but we can just, I don't know. I know you won't ignore it. What can we do? What can we do about that to make it right? And fair and equal for the both of us?"

"I don't know, Bren, I don't know!" I screwed up my eyes and pressed my hands to them. It was too much and it needed to stop because I seriously couldn't not deal with it. Too much drama. Too much pain. And he was right, we were in deep, we'd gone too far. We needed to find a way back, find a way out. I'd never been in a relationship with someone that had so much drama mixed up in it, so many fights, so many misunderstandings. I didn't like it but there wasn't much we could do. The fights, the misunderstandings, the drama, it all seemed drawn to us against our wills.

"Pete will still be there Bren. He will...I think he'll keep in contact. I know he plans to keep in contact with Alex, I wouldn't be surprised if he kept in contact with me. Just like I'm sure you'll keep in contact with Matt. Just because we don't see them doesn't mean they won't be there. It doesn't mean that they won't still influence us. You'll still wonder if I've been talking to Pete. I'll still wonder if you've been talking to Matt. How do we just...ignore it? How do we ignore the thoughts we'll both have, the questions in our hearts and minds? I don't...I don't know how we move forward Brendon. I wish I did, but I honestly don't."

I looked back at him again and murmured. "I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to fight. I'm sick and tired of all of this drama and the fighting. I can't deal with it and be happy. We both have issues with each otherÕs lives, it's inevitable. I just don't know how we can get around it and move on, but we have to. It's either that or we end it." I took a shaky breath and looked into his eyes. "I can't see how it isn't one or the other. We just...we have to either figure out a way...or...not."

"Ok," I looked at him, took in his features, took in his scent that I had missed for two weeks. "Ok," I mumbled again, moving closer to him and pulling him into a hug. I let all my emotions I felt for the past weeks escape into that hug. Even though we were fighting, it still felt amazing to have him in my arms again. I needed to hold him and feel him and smell him. I needed to know that what we had was still real.

I pulled back and stood up, leaving him sitting there with a confused look on his face. Walking over to the window, I peered out to see Spencer still talking on the phone toying with a leaf in his hand. I smiled, reaching down to readjust myself. Ok, now, I know it's been a long time, but you and I both know we need this, so don't fuck up on me. I thought as I squeezed myself and walked over to lock the door.

Turning around, I smiled at Ryan, kicking off my shoes as I reached into my shorts pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper I had kept for a while. It was crumpled yet soft from the hundreds of times I gripped it. Feeling the bottle of lube I picked up at Walmart with the flowers on the way here, I grinned. I made my way over to Ryan, pulling off my shirt, and tossing the note down next to him.



I raised my eyebrows as I watched Brendon. I had no clue what was going on. I looked at the note and picked up. "What're you doing Bren?" I bit my lip as I opened the note and looked down at it before back up at him. My eyes bugged out a little and I looked around the apartment, at the open window, at the door and then back to my boyfriend. I could only take it that he wanted to have sex, on the couch, in an apartment that wasn't mine or ours. He wanted to have sex when someone could walk in, okay, they had to have a key, but still. And it was a couch that was in an apartment up for rent. I couldn't believe it.

"Bren...what..." I bit my lip and looked at him, feeling my heart-rate picking up a little. I'd never thought of him as the type who would wanna be fairly dangerous and public in having sex. Sure, I knew he'd want to have sex pretty much anytime and anywhere, but this still was surprising to me.

My eyes trailed over his body and I had no clue what to do with myself. The hug itself had been unexpected enough, but the fact that here he was, more than just insinuating that we have sex, well, that was far more than I'd ever expected. I didn't know if he thought sex would fix everything and if he did I wasn't sure if he was right. Maybe he was, we hadn't had sex since before the accident and that was like a month ago or something, so maybe it would help. I felt nervous though.

I only smirked at him as I reached out for his shirt, "I like the one in the lower left corner," I grinned, working on my shorts. Once I got them off, I stared at Ryan as he stared at the paper. I knew this probably wasn't the answer to the problem, but I also knew that right here, right now, I had to be inside my boyfriend. To make love to him.

"The door's locked," I whispered as I followed his eyes, "And Spence is on the phone, he can't just walk in you know?" I asked as I tugged at his shirt pulling it over his head. Placing my hand on his bare chest, I pushed him to lay down on the couch, bringing his legs up so he was parallel with the floor. As I climbed on top of him, I straddled his right leg. I dipped down to kiss him as I picked up the paper, "I've had this for a while, but wanted the right moment. It's ok right? I mean, you and me," I motioned between us, "Right here?"

My cock twitched as I looked down his naked chest. The bruises were almost completely faded and the scars were no longer bumps, but now simple red marks along his skin. Leaning down, I licked a path along a rather large one on the his left side. It lead straight to his nipple, which I took in and sucked on, making it erect as I pressed my boxer clad hardon to his leg. "I need this Ryan," I let go of his nipple, running my hands up his sides, "I need to show you how much I love you."

My breath hitched in my chest as I looked up at him after he'd basically taken control and pushed me back onto the couch. My heart was pounding in my chest because there was a part of me that was scared and hesitant, but at the same time it was something that was probably overdue between us. It was probably something we seriously needed, it just made me a tiny bit nervous, and I couldn't quite shake it.

I nodded, giving Brendon permission. We'd fought, but they always said that makeup sex was the best kind, and others said public or dangerous sex was the best kind, so could we really go wrong with combining the two? I just had to get myself to relax enough and go with it. Brendon was my boyfriend, I loved him, even if I hadn't pictured makeup sex in an apartment that I was looking at for me and Alex to be the ideal place for the first time since the accident. Of course, I also didn't figure in the cast when I thought about our first time after the accident either.

Nodding again I gave in, reaching up and pulling his lips down to meet mine. I let it start slow, trying to let the feelings overcome my brain and just let the natural progression of passion go from slow to heated. I knew it was only a matter of moments before my brain shut off and my body took over. I just hoped that when the time came I didn't flail my casted leg around and cause damage to myself or Brendon. I tugged gently on his lower lip with my teeth before parting my own lips to deepen the kiss.

Attacking his lips, I worked my hand along his cast, twisting it around my arm as I moved it up on the side of the couch, somewhat out of the way. Once it seemed stationary, I brought my lower half back down on his body, grinding into him as I yanked at his bottom lip. Needing to breath, I pulled back, gasping, a smile immediately coming to my lips.

I reached down again and ran my tongue along his mouth for entrance as my hand made it's way between us. His stomach was sucked in, granting me easy access to the inside of his pants. I slid my hand along his skin past his boxers until I gripped his cock. I took it in my palm and rubbing it to life, knowing we didn't have much time. As my tongue fought with his, I continued to jerk him off, catching him up with me.

Being satisfied with the results, I sat up, unbuttoning his pants, removing them and his boxers with a struggle to bring the casted leg back down. Eventually I managed to toss them across the couch and smiled as I looked down at him beneath me. I placed his cast on the couch back again, unbuttoning and ridding my own clothes as I did so. I managed to get the lube out of my pocket before lying flesh with him, and letting our mouths meet again as I lubed my fingers above his head.

I groaned as Brendon's body touched against mine. It had been seriously forever since I'd had anyone touching me, well, maybe not forever, but long enough. The feeling of his skin against mine was enough to damn near shock me out of anything and everything that I'd been going through. Maybe it wasn't 'the answer' but it definitely brought Bren and I back to Bren and I.

I wrapped my arms around Brendon's neck and pulled him closer against myself as I kissed him back, just letting myself give in and go with how it felt. I deepened the kiss, kissing him a little harder, more passionately. In the end I loved him and he loved me and even if we fought and we got upset with each other over things it still couldn't change the fact that we loved each other. And we wanted to be with each other. It might be a drama filled and crazy relationship, but it was ours.

The positioning of having my leg on the back of the couch was a little awkward and definitely unusual for me, but that was okay because it was me and Bren, and I was just going with it because he'd obviously already thought about it seriously. I felt his hand slide down and the next thing I knew I could feel his fingers slipping inside me. My hips arched off the couch a little and I felt myself pressing toward his body. I moaned as I felt his fingertip brush that spot inside me, my head fell back and I groaned his name breathily.

I moved against him, rocking my hips into my hand as I stretched him. I could feel his leg slipping off the couch and picked it up, tucking it more on the cushion, which luckily was attached to the back and gave him somewhat of a shelf to rest on. Sitting back, I smiled down at Ryan, simply watching his body for a few moments while twisting my fingers inside him.

I bent down and kissed him hard before pulling back to find the condom and lube. Feeling around behind me, I grasped what I was looking for, curling my fingers to press to Ry's prostate as ripped open the package. There it was. That was the moan I was waiting for. Hopefully Spencer didn't come in to inspect, he might of thought we were beating the shit out of each other or something.

Smirking, I placed the condom on my cock and lubed up quickly. Making sure his leg was firm on the couch, I reached under him, grabbing his bum, then his lower back, pushing him more to lay on his side, but keeping his left leg in place. I knew he was flexible, but still, I didn't want to hurt him. Leaning down, I kissed his shoulder, running my free hand now along his spine, "This ok?" I asked, not waiting for an answer as I pushed in. I knew if he were uncomfortable that he would stop me.

As got in a couple of inches, my head fell to his shoulder with a sigh. I believed he was tighter than the first time we were together, let's just hope it doesn't end as quickly as that time.

Whimpering slightly, I reached up and gripped my hand into Brendon's hair, turning his head and pressing our lips together. I kissed him as deeply and passionately as I could while trying to adjust to having him inside me again. One would think that after the amount of sex I'd had in my life that my body would just be used to it regardless, well, it wasn't the case. After a while of not being used, fucked, had, made love to, etc, my body had to get used to having my boyfriend inside me again. Luckily for me I'd managed to keep most of the whimpers back enough so he didn't think that I was really hurting.

After a few moments I pulled back, pressing back and into the pillow under my head. I gasped his name as my body was at that point where all I wanted was him to move. I shifted myself slightly, trying to encourage him to move and just get everything going. It felt good to have my boyfriend with me, my boyfriend's skin against me, my boyfriend inside me. I gripped harder into his hair and groaned harshly before pulling his lips hard to mine again.

"Mmm...Bren..." I bit down onto his lip for a moment before pulling back and gasping softly. "Fuck..." I furrowed my eyebrows a little and whimpered, gasping softly as I shifted my hips beneath him again, pushing him slightly with my body. My free hand moved from the couch and to his back, scraping down along his skin a little before down to his hip and pulling him more against me.

My eyes slipped closed as I groaned against his neck. My breathing was low and harsh. I could see his hair at his neck blowing with each breath, "You feel so," I licked his skin, savoring the salty taste, "Amazing Ry...always amazing..." I managed to get out, moving inside him. My hand found it's way behind his cast, keeping it up as I pushed harder into him.

As my other fingers crept to his face, I traced his cheekbone, then tucked his hair behind his ear. Not even being able to keep my eyes open, I gripped his chin, bringing his mouth to mine in an open kiss, meeting only when I was completely filling him. Our tongues were all that touched as I pulled back out, only to thrust back in.

My mind clouded as all I could concentrate on was his body moving below me. His moans. His sounds. Him. He was all I needed. He was all that I wanted. Well, besides at this moment to release myself inside him. By now, the couch was creaking below us as our skin slapped against each other. We both grunted as my thrust became even harder. Moaning, I gripped his cock, almost slipping out of my hand from the precome and residence of lube still collected. Maintaining a firm grasp, I jerked him off opposite of my lower half, hopefully bringing him as close as I was.

The rhythm was set. Short, hard and fast. Not like we had ever done before, but perfect for the moment. Perfect for a months worth of withdraw. Perfect for make up sex. Perfect for this couch. Perfect for us.